It's morning and as I'm lying in bed I notice something: I don't want to get out of bed. I can't be awake right now, it's too much.
Why? Why is it too much? Are you just tired and feeling a little lazy? Or is it something else? Something . . . more . . . ?
I procrastinate, hit the snooze, think of excuses to stay in bed longer. But the truth is I need to get up. I have to get ready for work. So I do, slowly, feeling the weight of this oppressive cloud hanging over me. Surly it will lift . . .
I'm brewing coffee before I leave and manage to spill the creamer. Anger wells up inside of me and I feel like throwing the bottle of creamer across the kitchen and screaming.
This can't be normal anger can it? Is this anger proportional to what just happened or am I overreacting? Why the fuck am I so mad?
I'm at work and I'm charting, that oppressive cloud is still there and I'm feeling overwhelmed. Almost like I'm going to cry. Like things aren't worth it.
Stop it! You've been busy, had difficult patients, and are a little behind. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. Yes, but like I'm going to cry? Like things, life, isn't worth it? Is that normal?
I question my feelings and thoughts countless times a day. Hundreds of times probably. I question whether something I'm feeling or experiencing is "normal" or a result of my bipolar disorder. It is, quite frankly, exhausting. I've been told by my therapist, psychiatrist, husband, and friends not to do this. That it's a waste of my time and energy. However, I think this is one thing that helps keep me safe. Because, see, I can go into a mood episode at any moment for no reason at all. That's right. I don't need a real trigger or precipitating event. No, I can start feeling shitty out of the blue.
Now, having a trigger is more common - don't get me wrong - but my triggers can be pretty small. Like, not enough sleep. Or having my plans change. Seeing a random picture or image (an image of self harm, or a bunny in a certain pose, or a flower, or, or, or . . .), thinking someone is mad at me, getting angry over something (whether real or imagined), or countless other things. My triggers for mania tend to make less sense and sometimes involve a crowd (giving me a chance to grand stand).
The only thing I have going for me right now is that my mood episodes are relatively short lived. See, I'm kind of considered stable right now (crazy, I know). My mood episodes are lasting anywhere from 1 to 6 days (or so it seems), and are mostly depression (hypomania is lasting only for a few hours when it - rarely - shows up).
But that's the thing. The thing that actually really fucking frustrates me. The fact that I'm fucking stable and still having to struggle so much. Because the last 2 weeks? Mostly depressive mood episodes with a day here or there of feeling okay. And that really. Fucking. Sucks. To be doing okay one day and then wake up the next day feeling suicidal. And I have no control over it. It just fucking happens.
I'm having a much harder time with the depression right now. A much harder time warding off the negative thoughts, distorted thinking. I start to believe the lies my brain is telling me, despite my hubby and friend's best efforts of telling me otherwise. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel - only darkness.
Whatever. This is my own personal hell of bipolar disorder. My own unique manifestation of the illness. I guess all I can hope for is that it doesn't get worse again.
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