I've had another hiccup, another bump in the road. I've had a depressive downswing that's lasted more than a day or two. Which is really fucking frustrating.
I had ECT last Monday (a week ago) and Tuesday I started feeling pretty down. Quick to anger. Overwhelmed. I didn't think much of it until Wednesday when at work I wanted to cut and kept having suicidal thoughts. The urge to cut (I never did cut) and suicidal thoughts continued throughout Friday. And they were strong y'all. What a horrible feeling. If you've never had to deal with suicidal thoughts, you're lucky. They suck. Literally. They suck the life out of you. Leave you feeling empty and hollow and drained, devoid of meaning and hope.
Wednesday and Friday my friend L (who I happened to be working with) talked me out of cutting (which was nice so that I wouldn't have to bother my hubby and make him worry - not that he'd mind, but I always feel a little guilty about that). I don't even remember Thursday without looking back through my mood journal (thanks, ECT). Saturday was a little better in that I had no suicidal thoughts, and Sunday better still (no suicidal thoughts and I had sex both Saturday and Sunday - and I can orgasm! That would help anyone's mood!).
I really struggled with this downswing and I've been trying to figure out why. Because here's the thing, here's the damned truth: this is how my bipolar is. Even when I'm stable I'm going to have these downswings for no reason. I get to struggle for absolutely no. Fucking. Reason. I've been trying to find a reason, find a cause to this and you know what?
There is none.
Nope. No reason. No pattern, no trigger. It just happened. It just is. And I need to just deal with it. And you know what? I can cope with that when I'm feeling a little better. I can cope with that when my head isn't filled with demons. But last week? When I felt like shit? I didn't know how I was possibly going to make it through.
But I did. I made it though. And I need to remember that I'm a bad ass motherfucker. And I can do this.
Seriously, fuck bipolar disorder.
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