I'm sitting in the dark in my bedroom, trying to calm myself, trying to slow my heart, trying to slow my mind. My heart is pounding and I feel adrenaline coursing through my veins. My mind is racing, a hundred different thoughts a minute. It doesn't stop, it can't stop, why won't it stop?? Words and images over and over and over and my heart is in my throat and my hands they shake and I can't sit still but I can't move either. I try breathing slowly, deeply, like everyone tells you to but it doesn't help. Don't people know that doesn't work? But I try it anyway, anything to stop this feeling.
Breathe . . .
Breathe . . .
In . . . out . . . slowly.
Breathe . . .
It's not helping. This anxiety, it's not passing. Its grip is firm, it holds me fast. Heart pounding, mind racing, hands shaking, breath quickening. . .
So I write. I sit and write in the dark in my bedroom. Maybe it will help. Get it out. Put it in words.
I feel trapped. Trapped in my own body. Trapped in my own mind. How do I even handle this?
Breathe . . .
The computer screen is so bright in this darkness, like a beacon of hope . . . it's keeping me tethered in reality . . . barely.
Breathe . . .
My heart is starting to slow. My mind is starting to slow. The room is no longer closing in on me. I can breathe. Little by little I begin to return to normal. This is not a quick process mind you. Oh no. I've been at the computer for 30 minutes, typing and breathing and struggling and fighting my mind. But I'm doing it. I'm beating this mild anxiety attack. I'm lucky it was only mild.
Breathe.
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
11/15/17
It's been awhile and there's been a pretty big change. Last week, on Monday the 6th I had ECT and therapy. Then on Tuesday the 7th I had an appointment with Dr. M and he changed up my meds. I'm weaning off of my Latuda (tonight will be my last night of it) and he started me on a new medication called Vraylar. And let me tell you, there's been a change in how I'm feeling. I mostly feel normal, good, fine. I've had some hypomania and some anger and anxiety, but for the most part I'm normal. No depression.
Now that I've gotten that out, I want to talk about what's also been going on. Namely, a ridiculous increase in hallucinations and a resurgence of delusions. So much fun. And wanting to smoke and cut. There's that too. (and I have cut)
Hallucinations! I see shadow figures almost everywhere, in my bedroom, in my bathroom, out and about. These include humanoid shadows and also animal shadows (mostly canid or bear). I've seen Cliff (old man), though not frequently. I saw a hovering car, bugs crawling all over the mirror and computer screen, and a large mouse which poof! Vanished. I know these are hallucinations and for the most part they aren't bothersome.
Delusions! The delusions are another story. And still, I know they're delusions but they often scare me. I'm convinced that there is going to be a man standing outside my truck door when I get home at night and he is going to grab me. I'm so anxious to leave my truck at night. I am convinced that something is going to grab me as I'm getting into bed the first time at night. I literally jump into bed to avoid being grabbed. And if I get up to pee? I'm fine. Nothing will grab me. It's only that first time getting into bed. When I shower in the morning and I wash my face I close my eyes to rinse off so soap and water doesn't get in them. Now I have to rinse as fast as I can and I actually scream and flail my arms around as I'm convinced there's someone there and they're going to grab me. I know that there's no one there, but my brain has convinced me otherwise. This is very much not fun.
And then wanting to cut and wanting to smoke . . . good God, seriously? I want to carve up my arm. I want to cut my wrist and see how much I bleed. This is not normal. And I want to smoke. I smoked 20 years ago but I'm craving it again. Even if it's just an E-cigarette. Weird.
I'm guessing I just need to give this med change more time, see how things go. I have ECT again Dec. 4th and see Dr. M in office again on Dec. 11th.
Now that I've gotten that out, I want to talk about what's also been going on. Namely, a ridiculous increase in hallucinations and a resurgence of delusions. So much fun. And wanting to smoke and cut. There's that too. (and I have cut)
Hallucinations! I see shadow figures almost everywhere, in my bedroom, in my bathroom, out and about. These include humanoid shadows and also animal shadows (mostly canid or bear). I've seen Cliff (old man), though not frequently. I saw a hovering car, bugs crawling all over the mirror and computer screen, and a large mouse which poof! Vanished. I know these are hallucinations and for the most part they aren't bothersome.
Delusions! The delusions are another story. And still, I know they're delusions but they often scare me. I'm convinced that there is going to be a man standing outside my truck door when I get home at night and he is going to grab me. I'm so anxious to leave my truck at night. I am convinced that something is going to grab me as I'm getting into bed the first time at night. I literally jump into bed to avoid being grabbed. And if I get up to pee? I'm fine. Nothing will grab me. It's only that first time getting into bed. When I shower in the morning and I wash my face I close my eyes to rinse off so soap and water doesn't get in them. Now I have to rinse as fast as I can and I actually scream and flail my arms around as I'm convinced there's someone there and they're going to grab me. I know that there's no one there, but my brain has convinced me otherwise. This is very much not fun.
And then wanting to cut and wanting to smoke . . . good God, seriously? I want to carve up my arm. I want to cut my wrist and see how much I bleed. This is not normal. And I want to smoke. I smoked 20 years ago but I'm craving it again. Even if it's just an E-cigarette. Weird.
I'm guessing I just need to give this med change more time, see how things go. I have ECT again Dec. 4th and see Dr. M in office again on Dec. 11th.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)