I'm sitting in the dark in my bedroom, trying to calm myself, trying to slow my heart, trying to slow my mind. My heart is pounding and I feel adrenaline coursing through my veins. My mind is racing, a hundred different thoughts a minute. It doesn't stop, it can't stop, why won't it stop?? Words and images over and over and over and my heart is in my throat and my hands they shake and I can't sit still but I can't move either. I try breathing slowly, deeply, like everyone tells you to but it doesn't help. Don't people know that doesn't work? But I try it anyway, anything to stop this feeling.
Breathe . . .
Breathe . . .
In . . . out . . . slowly.
Breathe . . .
It's not helping. This anxiety, it's not passing. Its grip is firm, it holds me fast. Heart pounding, mind racing, hands shaking, breath quickening. . .
So I write. I sit and write in the dark in my bedroom. Maybe it will help. Get it out. Put it in words.
I feel trapped. Trapped in my own body. Trapped in my own mind. How do I even handle this?
Breathe . . .
The computer screen is so bright in this darkness, like a beacon of hope . . . it's keeping me tethered in reality . . . barely.
Breathe . . .
My heart is starting to slow. My mind is starting to slow. The room is no longer closing in on me. I can breathe. Little by little I begin to return to normal. This is not a quick process mind you. Oh no. I've been at the computer for 30 minutes, typing and breathing and struggling and fighting my mind. But I'm doing it. I'm beating this mild anxiety attack. I'm lucky it was only mild.
Breathe.
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