Sunday 1/30/22 Back to Work

 I was back to work this past week, after being off for 11 days (thanks to covid and a well-placed vacation day). Yep. Back to the grind. My days back weren't bad days . . . just . . . days. They weren't insanely busy (thank God), and I worked with good people. But - to be honest - I just wasn't feeling it. I would have much rather been at home. Mood wise I was down, withdrawn, quiet, maybe even a little stand-offish. I tried not to let my depression get the best of me, but, truth is, it kinda did. I tried so hard to interact and joke and laugh but everything fell flat. I felt so empty and numb. A shell of who I'm supposed to be. And it sucked. I'm not sure people notice that I'm struggling. Which, I guess, is the goal of my pretending. But I wish someone would notice and be like, "hey, are you really okay?"

In other news, I've created a lot of art recently. All in all I think I'll have 18 paintings to show my therapist on Thursday. Eighteen. That's a lot of painting. Most are melancholy, a few aren't. He had suggested that I paint with color - most of them are monochromatic grey. What can I do though? It's how I'm feeling. Grey. Monochromatic. No color, no life. 

Here's a few of my latest paintings:

I included a couple of "color" paintings, and a couple of "not color" paintings. The monochromatic grey definitely outweigh the color ones though. It'll give us something to talk about in therapy, right? Right. 

I guess I'll leave it at that. Hopefully we all have a good week. 

Monday 1/24/22 Well, it's Monday

 Would you look at that! It's Monday already. And it's not too shabby of a day, either. Mainly because I'm home and not at work today. Speaking of work, I go back this Thursday after having 11 days off. Thanks Covid! In all reality, I had taken a day of vacation this week so I would have 5 days off in a row, but then had to miss all 3 shifts last week due to having covid. So 11 days off in a row. It's been nice (for the most part - when I wasn't sick as sick can be). But Thursday . . . back to the grind. 

I'm honestly not looking forward to going back. Being off has made me realize just how burnt out I am. I mean, my cuticles are healed! (I pick at my cuticles when I'm stressed/anxious/depressed). My mood has been a bit better during this time off - even when I was actively sick. I haven't been as down or depressed or anxious or overwhelmed. It's actually amazing. But now I'm going back and I'm wondering how that's going to make me feel. If everything will come crashing down again. I know. A very pessimistic view. I can't help it. 

It also makes me wonder if I need a change of pace at work. I've been doing bedside nursing for almost 16 years. Maybe I need a change? Except, what would a change look like? Working at an office? Yuck! I'm so used to doing three 12 hour shifts I'm not sure how I'd handle five 8's. Quite honestly I don't want to. So maybe a different area? But where? I KNOW I don't want to do anything med/surg related. My only other area of interest is psych. Which everyone thinks would be too triggering for me. Including my psychiatrist and therapist. 

So what do I do to get out of this work related rut I'm in? Ahhhh, that's the question, isn't it? And I have no idea. I'm thinking I'm going to have to schedule myself vacation days here and there so I have extra time off. That's the only thing I can really think of. I don't know what else to do. An actual vacation might be nice, but I don't see one happening anytime in the near future (since we're saving up for Japan). So what do I do . . . . ?

I spent some time drawing today, which was nice. Now I have 6 drawings I need to paint. I'll have a lot of artwork to bring to my next therapy appointment! Which, sadly, is not until a week from Thursday (Feb. 3rd). That will be 5 weeks between appointments (I had to cancel last week since I had covid). Oh well. What can you do?

I guess I don't have much of anything else going on. Is that a good or a bad thing?  

Wednesday 1/19/22 Ugh

 So yesterday I had a rapid covid test and I was still covid positive. Which means no work for me today. I could potentially go back Friday. But I may call off. We'll see. Otherwise it's 5 days off, work Friday, 5 days off. I may just want that extra day off. . . Overall though, covid isn't too bad. Like a bad cold. You know: congestion, cough, headache, chills, body aches . . . But the fatigue. Oh man the fatigue!! I have no energy. Lethargic. Just completely wiped out. That's the worst part about it. 

And yesterday I actually had a decent day mood wise. Like, I was able to laugh a bit, joke around, and be myself. It was nice. I even started thinking hey! Maybe my depression is lifting!

And then today happened.

I woke up feeling pretty darn down. I've stayed pretty darn down. And it makes me angry. And annoyed. And upset. And there's nothing I can do about it. I managed to shower, but I didn't wash my hair. And I didn't put on any makeup. I couldn't be bothered with it. That's the depression side of me taking over (not the covid tired side). Because yesterday I showered, did my hair and put on make up, even though I was covid tired. But today . . . no. And that sucks. 

And, I might as well get it out there, my mom keeps calling me. Every day. Drunk. Acting as though ME having covid is one  of the worst things  to ever happen to her. Yeah. She's acting as though I'm critically ill and is throwing herself a pity party about how horrific it is and about how I have to get better and oh by-the-way maybe she has covid too because she had a sinus infection a week ago and the antibiotics are making her nauseous. Seriously. I'm FUCKING OVER IT. She's making MY being sick all about HER. I'm tired of listening to her, I'm tired of dealing with her, and I'm not answering the phone anymore. I don't need to listen to her whine about what my symptoms are anymore. I'm done. I'm fucking done. 

In other news, I'm washing all the bedding today. Because clean bedding is awesome. 

That is all.

Sunday 1/16/22 Covid

 It was just a matter of time before covid hit my household. With me being a nurse and my son going to public school . . . yeah. Just a matter of time. 

Ayden started with a stomach ache last Tuesday. He missed school Tuesday and Wednesday because of it. We were thinking food poisoning from tainted fish because he had no other symptoms. He went to school Thursday only to come home early with headache, nausea, chills, and feeling dizzy. Jer (hubby), took him for a covid test which came back positive this morning.

Yesterday I went to work with chest congestion, a slight cough and mild headache. Didn't really think anything of it. I texted Jer around 10 asking how he was doing and he said he was sick with chills, headache, etc. 

Uh oh.

I still decided it was nothing, but I was getting progressively worse as the day went on. So I called in sick for today just to be safe and of course Ayden's test came back positive. Jer and I got tested today and I'm sure we'll both be positive too. Turns out I have to be tested again by my work on Tuesday. Joy. Those nasal swabs tickle!

Overall I'm not feeling too bad. My headache this morning was awful, but some cold medicine and coffee helped that. I'm congested and coughing and the fatigue is no joke. But overall I'd say not too bad. Thank God. 

And, thankfully, my mood hasn't been too bad. I'm a little withdrawn, flat, meh, but not overly depressed (at least the last 3 days). So that's a win too. Because the last thing I need is to be depressed while I'm sick. That would be the worst. 

Tuesday 1/11/22 Creativity

 Even though my depression is kicking my butt, I've managed to be somewhat creative. I've done, I think, 10 paintings in the past week or so. My therapist, M, wanted me to use color instead of greys. And, well, I failed at that part of my assignment. A couple paintings have a pop of color in them . . . but most are black and grey. It's just what I'm feeling right now and it's hard for me to paint something different than that. But I'll have many paintings to show M next week at our next appointment. Go me.

And yes, my depression is kicking my butt. Especially in the mornings and later in the evenings. Mid day I seem to be somewhat okay. Kind of. But I wake up in the morning feeling so dark and down I don't know how I'll cope. I do - I always do - but it's so hard. I didn't get on the spin bike this morning (I went back to bed after breakfast) and I feel so horrible and guilty about that. Which is stupid. I've done the spin bike the past 5 days in a row - what's so bad about missing a day? But I'm sure I'll get on this afternoon to try and make myself feel better. Because right now I feel as though I'm failing. And failing is not a good feeling. 

I'm off today, and I've had the past 5 days off. Six in a row! It's been nice not having to worry about work. But I go back tomorrow. And I'm not looking forward to that. I don't want to feel like crap at work. Because I have to work so hard to pretend I'm okay, that everything is fine and dandy, that I can handle myself. And that takes a lot of energy. A lot of energy. And my schedule sucks this next week or so. I'll be working a lot. So not looking forward to this. But, it is what it is. I'll get through. 

I'm at the point where I have to have something to look forward to in order to get by. The past couple of weeks it was this 6 day span off. Now it's looking forward to therapy. After that I have 5 days off in a row. After that . . . well, I don't know. I'll have to find something. I hate having to plug along like this. But you do what you gotta do. And having things to look forward to is what's keeping me afloat right now. 

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I'll shut up for a bit. 

Tuesday 1/4/22 Stuff and Things

 It's my first post of the new year! Isn't that exciting?? No, not really. 

I don't know what I want to start with. How about therapy I guess. I had therapy last Thursday, and everything was going fine until M started talking about my complacency. My dislike and avoidance of conflict. My people pleasing. My "putting my needs on the back burner to appease others and be liked". How I sacrifice myself at the cost of myself. All these things, that I apparently didn't want to talk about because I tried to deflect M's probing and discuss something else. He wouldn't let me. So we discussed. And of course these personality traits can be linked back to me growing up with an alcoholic parent. I give in. I'm a pushover. I try to keep the peace at all costs. When M pointed this out it was like I had been gut punched. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Because all of it is true. I don't know how to set - and then keep - boundaries. So we went over some strategies for me to work on. Like simply saying "no". It's something I have to practice. Something I have to work on. And work on I will. 

M also wanted me to paint more colorful artwork. No dark and dreary stuff. But when I'm depressed, dark and dreary is what I do. He doesn't want me to get stuck in a rut and perpetuate the depression. And I understand and can appreciate that. So I did a painting today - my first of the new year. It's titled "Follow Me", 5in X 7in, watercolor and ink.

So yeah. It's not very colorful. And one may argue that it's dark and dreary. But it's not! I swear! It's a hopeful piece! The dove represents the Holy Spirit, beckoning me to follow. And it has sparrows - a symbol of hope for me. So it's actually not dark and dreary, even though it's not colorful. I'll, of course, show it to M (along with any other artwork I do) the next time I see him. 

Work has been stupidly busy still. I don't know where all these pregnant ladies are coming from. It's ridiculous though. I'm still struggling at work with my mood. Mostly I'm withdrawn and flat. Yesterday I was super cranky though. Woke up cranky, got to work and was even more cranky (because it was a shit show when I got there), stayed cranky throughout the day. On top of being withdrawn and flat. It wasn't that fun. 

I've still been consistent with working out. I'm on my spin bike every day I'm off and have been getting to the gym to lift as well. I'm trying to get my butt up early enough to get on the spin bike before work, but as of yet I have not. My bed is just too comfy and warm. Hopefully I'll get there though. 

I'm still not eating much. Mostly protein shakes and then dinner. I still have no appetite, nothing really sounds good to eat, and I don't feel like eating. I get physically hungry - don't get me wrong - but I just don't feel like eating. And then after a while the hunger pangs go away. So I forget about it. This isn't the best thing to be doing, but right now I can't help it. 

That's all I have for today. I think I'm going to take a nice nap. Naps are good.