Even though my depression is kicking my butt, I've managed to be somewhat creative. I've done, I think, 10 paintings in the past week or so. My therapist, M, wanted me to use color instead of greys. And, well, I failed at that part of my assignment. A couple paintings have a pop of color in them . . . but most are black and grey. It's just what I'm feeling right now and it's hard for me to paint something different than that. But I'll have many paintings to show M next week at our next appointment. Go me.
And yes, my depression is kicking my butt. Especially in the mornings and later in the evenings. Mid day I seem to be somewhat okay. Kind of. But I wake up in the morning feeling so dark and down I don't know how I'll cope. I do - I always do - but it's so hard. I didn't get on the spin bike this morning (I went back to bed after breakfast) and I feel so horrible and guilty about that. Which is stupid. I've done the spin bike the past 5 days in a row - what's so bad about missing a day? But I'm sure I'll get on this afternoon to try and make myself feel better. Because right now I feel as though I'm failing. And failing is not a good feeling.
I'm off today, and I've had the past 5 days off. Six in a row! It's been nice not having to worry about work. But I go back tomorrow. And I'm not looking forward to that. I don't want to feel like crap at work. Because I have to work so hard to pretend I'm okay, that everything is fine and dandy, that I can handle myself. And that takes a lot of energy. A lot of energy. And my schedule sucks this next week or so. I'll be working a lot. So not looking forward to this. But, it is what it is. I'll get through.
I'm at the point where I have to have something to look forward to in order to get by. The past couple of weeks it was this 6 day span off. Now it's looking forward to therapy. After that I have 5 days off in a row. After that . . . well, I don't know. I'll have to find something. I hate having to plug along like this. But you do what you gotta do. And having things to look forward to is what's keeping me afloat right now.
Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I'll shut up for a bit.
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