Tuesday 8/29/23 Work Sucks

 Man oh man does work suck. I don't mean in general (although work in general does suck) - I mean my job. Right now. Fucking sucks. I am soooooo not happy at my job right now. And I'm not the only one. Lots of people are unhappy. There's lots of shit going on right now that's not good. Let's start from the top and trickle our way down, shall we?

My hospital organization, Centura, has been bought out by another entity called Common Spirit. Common Spirit seems to only be concerned with money. The bottom line. Not employees. Not patients. Money. There have been tons of cuts made - with food service, with housekeeping, with CNAs, with nurses. They want us running on a skeleton crew. Because they're trying to save money. Come January our benefits will probably be changing (I'm guessing not for the better). We were told no raises this year - not even cost of living. My direct manager quit. Our head of women's services (who was my manager's manager) quit. Our administrative assistant, who does about a million things for our unit, quit. My best friend is quitting. Managers on other units are quitting. Everyone is jumping ship. I loved my manager. She was amazing. I loved our head of women's services. She was amazing. I loved our administrative assistant. She was amazing. My best friend? Also amazing. It sucks so hard to see them go. And it makes one wonder - what did they know that I don't know?

We hired a new manager, one of our charge nurses who was also a clinical coordinator (basically assistant manager). Now, while I like her as a person, she is very much a "yes sir" type of person. She'll go along with and enforce whatever the higher ups are telling her. I don't see her standing up for our unit. Don't get me wrong - she's a damn hard worker - I just don't see her backing us up. This is worrisome to me. 

Back to running on a skeleton crew. Our new "grid" (basically the guidelines on how to staff our unit) is tight. And the higher ups keep tightening it. We are no longer allowed to have CNAs. Now, our CNAs do a shit ton of work. And now, without them, this work is left to the nurses to do. So now we have our jobs to do, along with the jobs of the CNAs. Oh! And did I mention we have to do all our own lab draws now too? Because apparently its too much money to have phlebotomists on hand. We're also taking more patients than we were in the past. So now we have a heavier load while doing the jobs of three people. But here's the kicker - probably 3/4 of our nurses are NOT doing the CNA's jobs. Nope. They're relying on people like me (who works nursery) to do their portion of the CNA jobs. They're too lazy or "too good" to do these jobs (paperwork, cleaning cribs, stocking rooms, making coffee, cleaning up, doing baby baths). So they flat out don't do it. They figure that nursery or nursery backup should do it. Mind you, we have patients of our own to take care of while also attending deliveries (EVERY. SINGLE. DELIVERY.) and taking care of those babies (which is time consuming). Yesterday we did 10 deliveries on day shift - I barely had time to sit down, let alone worry about doing everyone else's jobs for them. I mean, what the actual fuck?? Most of these nurses don't realize what we do in nursery, how busy it is, and how much work it is. They just expect us to do everything. This is beyond frustrating. We need to work as a team and help each other out - NOT push off our work onto other people. 

So now we have added work, we're not working as a team, and we're getting burnt out. What does this lead to? Sick calls. People are calling in sick because they're burnt out and tired. Which makes us even more short staffed. Yesterday we were down two nurses on mom/baby and we did 10 deliveries - we didn't have nurses to take those patients but we still had to. So everyone ends up with even more patients to take care of. We are stretched to the max. And it's like this Every. Single. Day. I'm so sick of it. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. And I'm so over it. Everyone is. Morale on the unit is at an all time low. It's a very negative space to be in. I'm so bitter and angry when I'm at work and I don't know how to fix it. I almost cried numerous times yesterday because I was so frustrated and overwhelmed. And again - this is every single day at work. We don't get a break. I hate it. I've been in the birth center for 15 years and I'm starting to hate it. A job I once loved. And I don't know how to fix it. 

So. What do I do? I've thought about leaving, quitting. But I can't do that at least until December. Why? Because I had signed a two year contract for a monetary bonus. That contract isn't up until December. If I quit before then I have to pay back the money I received. And I can't afford to do that. So I'm stuck until at least December. And then I think, well, where would I go? What would I do? Our other major hospital system here, UC Health, isn't any better. It would probably be the same shit, different facility. The only other area I'm interested in working in is psych. But my psychiatrist and therapist and pretty much everyone I'm close to thinks inpatient psych would be a bad choice for me. Which, I can see that. I'd be seeing people at their absolute worst, giving them a bandaid, and sending them on their way. It would be stressful and possibly triggering. My therapist was suggesting working in an outpatient psych setting but I don't know what that would look like. My other problem is that I have to work day shift - I physically and mentally can't do night shift. I'll either become manic or suicidal. Those are not options I'm willing to face. So what the fuck do I do? I mean, for now I have to ride it out until December. But then what? I have no idea.

That's another thing that's going to suck - December. Because we're going to have nurses leave - which will leave us even more short staffed. I just don't even know what to do anymore. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

Monday 8/21/23 Therapy

 I had therapy last Thursday and we covered a variety of topics: work, my physical health, art, and my best friend Lesley most likely moving out of state. My friend moving is what I want to focus on today.

See, I don't have many friends. People whom I consider good friends. Aside from my hubby, I have two. Yep. Only two. Beth and Lesley. And Lesley is my best friend. I've known her for 15 years. She's always been there for me, no matter what I've needed. And now . . . well, now she's probably moving out of state, back to Ohio. And I haven't really acknowledged this fact. In fact, I've been ignoring it and it's implications. Which came up with full force in therapy.

Becky asked me about my friends and other relationships. Most of my other "friends" are just people I'm friendly with at work - they're not people whom I consider friends. I casually mentioned that Lesley was going to most likely be moving and Becky asked me to elaborate on that. And so I did. And I got emotional. It took everything I had not to start crying which caught me off guard. See, mostly I've been frustrated with Lesley as of late. I haven't really thought of her actually moving. And apparently, this is going to be rough for me. 

Some back story on Lesley: she's an introvert. Very much so. She'd rather be at home more than anywhere else. Each year for my, Beth's, and her birthdays we would go out and get coffee. Give gifts. Have a good time. The past two years it's been like pulling teeth to get her to leave her house - even for this. We don't ask much of her - we know she's an introvert. But now it's getting worse. She's had a rough year - she lost two of her three dogs (her dogs are like her kids to her) and had back surgery, from which she's still recovering. I get that it's been a rough year for her, I do. But she's becoming even more reclusive because of it, if that's even possible. She's turning inward and giving in to her misery and isn't doing anything to help herself. She won't let anyone - including Beth and I - to do anything for her. I just see her getting worse and worse. If she didn't have her dog, Kevin, I think she'd throw in the towel. Which worries me, greatly. 

Since she's been on FMLA (which has been about 10 weeks, I think), it seems as though she's given up on life completely. She's giving up on everything she has. She's had a realtor come to her house, she's packing, she's making sure she has her nursing license squared away in Ohio . . . she's set on selling her house, moving back home to Ohio, and getting a nursing job where she doesn't have to leave her house. And she's being rather secretive about all of this. She's giving hints but isn't coming outright and saying it. I have to pry it out of her. I feel as though she's pulling away from us to try and make it easier on herself. 

All of this frustrates me and makes me angry. But, what I didn't realize, is how sad it's making me. Talking with Becky brought the sadness out. And I don't know what to do with it or how to handle it. Lesley leaving is going to be a loss I have to go through. We'll still text and send each other memes and face time, but it's not going to be the same. I won't see her at work. I can't just go over to her house or out to coffee with her. I'm going to miss her. And I didn't realize the impact of this until talking to Becky about it. The whole situation sucks. I want Lesley to be happy, but I don't want her to go. Which feels awfully selfish of me. 

Becky said I should write a letter to Lesley, telling her gently how I feel. And I thought I would. But I got home from therapy last Thursday feeling drained and I didn't. And then I swept my feelings under the rug and forgot about them. Or at least tried to. Until now. So here I am, writing everything out. I don't know what I would say to Lesley. I don't know how to put it gently. I don't want to make her feel bad. I don't want to make this harder for her. But my feelings matter too, I guess. So, here goes.

Lesley. You are my best friend and I love you. I wish you knew how much people cared about you. I wish you knew how much I care about you. I wish things were different and you hadn't have had such a rough year. But it feels like you're running away and giving up. It feels like you're pushing me away and not letting me in any more. It feels shitty. I want nothing more than for you to be happy but I feel like you're going about it the wrong way. And yes - I feel shitty and selfish for saying that. I don't want you to get to Ohio and still be unhappy, but now you have no support and no one that you know to help you. I'm going to miss you. Even though you drive me crazy sometimes, I'm going to miss you. Texting and face timing are not the same as seeing you in person and I'm worried that our friendship will suffer because of it. I feel it already has. I feel like you're not treating this as the big deal that it is. This is a huge life change and it's going to affect all of us, for better or worse. Most likely for worse. I don't want you to change your mind because of me. I want you to be happy. I just don't want to lose you as a friend and have you push me away because you think it'll be easier that way. It won't be. I'm angry and frustrated and sad. And I don't know how to tell you any of this without hurting your feelings or making you feel bad. I'm sorry for this. I just need you to know that you are loved and you are going to be missed. 

I don't know what else to say. I feel what I've written is not very good. In all honesty, I don't think I would show it to her. Unless I showed her this whole blog post for context. I hate the situation. I wish she could be happy here. I wish she wasn't leaving. I wish it didn't feel like I was losing my best friend. 

And yes, I'm crying. 

 

Tuesday 8/15/23 Results

 Well hello there. I saw the functional medicine practitioner yesterday and got the results of my bloodwork: my thyroid is fine. Which is, I guess, good news, right? But then why am I having symptoms? Well, I have other stuff wrong with me. Mainly gut issues. Absorption issues. My body is not utilizing what I'm giving it. Not even water - my labs showed me to be pretty dehydrated (even though I drink tons of water, my body just isn't using it at a cellular level - I just pee it all out). I'm really low in key nutrients: magnesium, zinc, calcium, protein. All of which can give me hypothyroid like symptoms and depression. My iron is double what it should be - meaning my body isn't utilizing it as it should and this is what's likely causing my heart palpitations (excess iron is often deposited around the heart). My kidney functioning is down, my fasting blood sugar was elevated (they said probably due to reactive hypoglycemia), and my cholesterol wasn't stellar. It was lots of information. After this information dump they went over the gist of the plan they laid out for me. Detox, remove major food groups then slowly reintroduce them to see what's causing me gut inflammation, exercise, supplements, more blood work, meeting with them every other week for 6 months . . . all for the low, low price of $7600. Oh. My. God. I knew their program was going to be expensive, but $7600??? I was thinking around 2-3 grand. So that really just made it unavailable to me. So yeah. No working with them right now. So I did some research and found a new multivitamin without iron (which they suggested), a good magnesium supplement, and digestive enzymes to help my body use nutrients. I don't know how I'm going to get over being dehydrated - I drink around 70-80oz of water a day. I don't think I can drink more than that - especially with how much it makes me pee (I mean, I got up 4 times last night to pee!). I'm going to try and eat more whole foods and cut out refined sugar where I can. I'm taking a good probiotic. I'm trying to exercise consistently. 

Speaking of exercising, I've been doing yoga. Every day for 7 days straight so far. And I'm loving it. I look forward to it. I'm even getting up early before work to do it (3 days so far). I ordered a Pilates bar with bands so I can start doing some Pilates (something else I'm looking forward to and excited about). Yesterday I did chest and arms; today I did shoulders and back (lifting). Thursday I'll do legs. Like, I'm trying. I haven't felt excited about working out for a loooooong time. Years. But with yoga and Pilates I'm getting excited about it. About getting stronger and transforming my body. I really want to do this and that's something I haven't felt for years. And maybe getting this bloodwork back is the kick in the pants I need to really start taking care of myself. Now if only I could change my mindset . . .

Mindset. That's something else I need to work on. I'm okay when I'm not at work. Maybe a little blah here and there, but mostly okay. But at work, man. I'm just not happy. I'm not enjoying myself. I'm struggling. I find it hard to engage with people, to connect with patients. I don't want to do anything. I haven't been going out of my way to help people - instead I retreat and hide away. Which is not how I want to be. But I don't know how to change it. I'm burnt out. I'm tired. And I don't know if it's just depression making me feel this way or if I really need to change jobs. I'm just so worried that if I change jobs I'll be unhappy there, too. At least where I'm at I know my job and the people I work with. Starting over is so scary. Everything just feels so . . . stagnant. And I've been feeling this for awhile. For the better part of a year. It's getting more and more pronounced as time moves on. To the point where I dread going to work. And, what makes it hard too is that I don't have many friends. I have people I'm friendly with, but not many actual friends. My best friend Lesley is out on FMLA and most likely not coming back. In fact, she's probably moving to Ohio. My other good friend, Beth, only works weekends so I rarely see her. And my friend Tracy, I hardly ever see her. Like, I don't think I've seen her once in the past month. Everyone else are coworkers who I can mostly be friendly with, but don't really open up to. And that makes for a long day when you aren't really talking and don't want to be there in the first place. Ugh. I wish I knew what to do. 

So anyway, I guess I'll leave you with some artwork:

This is "Mushroom", part of my Growth series. I like how he turned out. It's 5X7, ballpoint pen.

Wednesday 8/9/23 At least I'm not at work

 At least I'm not at work. That's a good thing. I worked the past 2 days and realized I'm not terribly happy at work. I try to be, I really do. I try to talk to people, I try to stay up beat, I try to be happy. But I'm not. Not really. There are so many things about my job that really irritate me. Really annoy me. I don't know if I feel this way because I don't like my job anymore or because I've been feeling down lately. Or both. Who knows? But I don't like going. I don't want to be there. I don't like feeling this way but I can't seem to help it. Part of me thinks I need to get a different job. And part of me thinks that if I get a different job I'll still be unhappy, just unhappy in a new environment. Which is less than helpful. 

I started doing yoga and I'm trying to be mindful and focus on breathing and being thankful for what I have. I'm trying to be positive about everything. But it's so hard. I seem to have a naturally negative mindset. I've been trying to change this but it's daunting. I have a negative self image, negative self talk, negative outlook, and feel negatively towards most people. I need a complete overhaul. I'm hoping that practicing my breathing and mindfulness with yoga will help this. I ordered a book on yoga - it teaches the foundations of yoga, breathing, and basic poses. I started a 30 day yoga training today that's focused on listening and centering oneself. I also ordered another yoga program called Yoga Burn (which is more for toning up and getting in shape, but is still yoga). I need to get in shape. I think if I could get in shape and lose weight I'd overall feel better about things. Because my negative self image is forefront every day. I'm trying to accept where I am and work on bettering myself, but then I look in the mirror and just hate what I see. So out comes the negative self talk. I'm trying to actively counter this but again, it's hard. Because I seem to be hardwired for negativity. I must have some pretty shitty core beliefs. Maybe we can delve into this next week in therapy. I don't know. 

I know my negativity affects me at work (yeah, we just circled back to work again). And maybe, just maybe, if I could be more positive I wouldn't hate my job so much. At least I'm hoping that's the case. 

I work tomorrow and I'm going to try and get up early and do yoga before getting ready. I felt more peaceful and calm this morning after doing yoga and it would be great to feel that before work. Maybe I'd have a better day. We'll see if it happens. Because I have a hard time getting up earlier than needed. 

In other news, the functional practitioner got my blood work back. I have an appointment on Monday with them. Was hoping for this week, but it just didn't work out that way. Jeremy is going with me, they requested that he be there. Probably because the treatment plans they offer are expensive and not covered by insurance. That's my guess anyways. So yeah. I'll get answers on Monday. And maybe I'll write about it Monday afternoon. 

Anyway, I guess that's it for today. I'll leave you with a painting I did last week:

"Lift", 5X7, watercolor and ink. It, in a way, represents me trying to pull myself out of a darker space. I guess.