At least I'm not at work. That's a good thing. I worked the past 2 days and realized I'm not terribly happy at work. I try to be, I really do. I try to talk to people, I try to stay up beat, I try to be happy. But I'm not. Not really. There are so many things about my job that really irritate me. Really annoy me. I don't know if I feel this way because I don't like my job anymore or because I've been feeling down lately. Or both. Who knows? But I don't like going. I don't want to be there. I don't like feeling this way but I can't seem to help it. Part of me thinks I need to get a different job. And part of me thinks that if I get a different job I'll still be unhappy, just unhappy in a new environment. Which is less than helpful.
I started doing yoga and I'm trying to be mindful and focus on breathing and being thankful for what I have. I'm trying to be positive about everything. But it's so hard. I seem to have a naturally negative mindset. I've been trying to change this but it's daunting. I have a negative self image, negative self talk, negative outlook, and feel negatively towards most people. I need a complete overhaul. I'm hoping that practicing my breathing and mindfulness with yoga will help this. I ordered a book on yoga - it teaches the foundations of yoga, breathing, and basic poses. I started a 30 day yoga training today that's focused on listening and centering oneself. I also ordered another yoga program called Yoga Burn (which is more for toning up and getting in shape, but is still yoga). I need to get in shape. I think if I could get in shape and lose weight I'd overall feel better about things. Because my negative self image is forefront every day. I'm trying to accept where I am and work on bettering myself, but then I look in the mirror and just hate what I see. So out comes the negative self talk. I'm trying to actively counter this but again, it's hard. Because I seem to be hardwired for negativity. I must have some pretty shitty core beliefs. Maybe we can delve into this next week in therapy. I don't know.
I know my negativity affects me at work (yeah, we just circled back to work again). And maybe, just maybe, if I could be more positive I wouldn't hate my job so much. At least I'm hoping that's the case.
I work tomorrow and I'm going to try and get up early and do yoga before getting ready. I felt more peaceful and calm this morning after doing yoga and it would be great to feel that before work. Maybe I'd have a better day. We'll see if it happens. Because I have a hard time getting up earlier than needed.
In other news, the functional practitioner got my blood work back. I have an appointment on Monday with them. Was hoping for this week, but it just didn't work out that way. Jeremy is going with me, they requested that he be there. Probably because the treatment plans they offer are expensive and not covered by insurance. That's my guess anyways. So yeah. I'll get answers on Monday. And maybe I'll write about it Monday afternoon.
Anyway, I guess that's it for today. I'll leave you with a painting I did last week:
"Lift", 5X7, watercolor and ink. It, in a way, represents me trying to pull myself out of a darker space. I guess.
No comments:
Post a Comment