Tuesday 10/22/19

The past 4 days have been pretty, um, annoying. My mood is not where it should be. I'll elaborate on that . . .

Last Friday I had a horrible day beating myself up because of my weight. So much so that I was in tears. I happened to glance in the mirror and really get a good look at how big I've gotten (I weigh in at 235 pounds, people), and I lost it. Every negative thought I've ever had came flooding back, making me feel worthless and useless. I did everything I could to counter these thoughts but in the end they won out.

Saturday I worked, primary nursery, meaning I would be doing all the deliveries myself. And it was busy (I did 6 deliveries - one a set of twins). I was bitter and angry and overwhelmed and tired and in pain and my mood was sinking fast. I tried desperately to keep my head above water, to tread faster and harder than I ever have. But the fact that I had to work so hard only made me more bitter and angry. I came home from work exhausted and utterly defeated (though I tried not to show it).

Sunday I worked, primary nursery again. And again it was busy and I did 5 deliveries by myself. I didn't feel like myself. I wasn't as bad as I was on Saturday, but I definitely wasn't myself. I was not quick to smile or laugh. I tended to shy away from conversation. I still felt angry and overwhelmed. When I got home, hubs said that on Monday I should do nothing. Just relax.

And that's what I did.

On Monday I didn't get out of bed until 12:30pm. And I only got up because I had therapy at 2. It felt good to do nothing. It felt restorative. But I also felt guilty. Guilty because I had accomplished nothing. I took those feelings and went to therapy and vomited up everything that I had gone through and felt over the last 3 days. My therapist, M, said that I did good to stay in bed and that I might need another day of doing nothing. Which helped to relieve my feelings of guilt. He also reassured me that what I was feeling was normal and not a bipolar backslide (I had been worrying that all of this was going to lead to a depressive episode).

Today I'm feeling a bit better. I slept in a little, did the dishes, went to the post office, and did some reading. I'm more calm, less bitter, less angry.

I still need to lose some fucking weight though. 

Thursday 10/10/19

I'm curled up on my couch in a hoodie with a big fluffy blanket wrapped around me. The heat is turned on but I'm still cold. That's not surprising though - it went from 75 degrees and sunny yesterday to 20 degrees and snowing today. That's not uncommon here in Colorado. My body isn't used to the cold.

Everything has been super uneventful. Seriously. Nothing exciting is happening at all. I'm working my two 12's a week, trying to stay productive on my days off (doesn't always happen), and get to the gym despite the pain I'm having.  It's all rather boring. But that's a good thing I think. Usually when there's excitement with me it's the wrong kind.

I've been reading more, which is nice. Of course, I've been reading more because I don't have any inspiration for artwork. I want to draw and paint, I just don't know what I should draw and paint. I thought about joining an art challenge for the moth of October - called Inktober - but I couldn't come up with anything to draw after looking at the prompts. I felt overwhelmed. So I'm not doing it.

Mood wise I've been doing pretty darn good. Which is really amazing. I feel pretty great, actually. It's so weird not having my black cloud around. I don't want to sound too ambitious, but I'm hoping I get at least a year of this before my depression comes back. Wouldn't that be something? The most I usually get is a couple of months. But this time it feels different. I'm actually feeling - I'm not just flat or numb. So hopefully it will last.

Pain wise I'm about the same. Yesterday was a bad pain day where I was stiff and aching all over. Hubs and I went to the gym and tried to do legs. Well, he did legs, I tried. My knees hurt too bad to do much of anything. Stupid fibromyalgia.

Well, I don't really have much to write about right now. Probably I'll take a short nap and read. I'm going to try and write at least once a week, even if it's just boring mediocre stuff. So until next time . . .   

Tuesday 10/1/19

So it's been a month since I last wrote (well, close enough), and I'm happy to say that my black cloud has dissipated. It's still there sometimes, when I'm by myself - or even in a group - lurking, waiting to take over. But, for the most part, it seems to be gone. And for this I'm grateful.

I went to my primary doc last week because I've been having joint pain. Let me be a little more specific: every joint except for my fingers and elbows have been hurting for the past 8 months and getting progressively worse over the last 2 months. And when I say hurting I mean H U R T I N G. Especially my hips and my wrists and thumbs. They ache. When I move I get sharp stabbing pain. I've also had random muscle soreness not congruent with working out. And we can't forget my headaches or fatigue (I actually went to my doc about 6 months ago because of the fatigue and he thought it was just my depression).

Well, now I have a diagnosis: Fibromyalgia.

Ugh. Yeah. Fibromyalgia. Joy. When he told me that my stomach dropped. Fibromyalgia is a chronic, lifelong illness that isn't very well understood or treated. Not necessarily the thing I want to hear. And it's weird, I immediately thought that I would have to reinvent myself. You know, as someone with both bipolar disorder and fibro.

But I don't really have to do that. I can still be me, just another version of me. One who's in pain from time to time. I don't know. I don't think that I've accepted that I have fibro. Maybe because I'm not as bad off as some other people are with it. I've been researching it like crazy and my symptoms certainly match those of fibro. If I'm in a flare right now - which my doc thinks I am - then it's tolerable. Will it always stay tolerable? Only time will tell. As of right now I've opted to go med free as I don't want to deal with more side effects (I deal with enough from my bipolar meds). I'm going to continue to research it and look for blogs to read. What I have started doing is taking more supplements. Glucosamine, collagen powder, turmeric, magnesium, and cinnamon. All have been touted to help fibromyalgia. We'll see.

So yeah. That's where I'm at. A new diagnosis that I don't want and haven't accepted. But I'll get there. Eventually.