Thursday 11/17/22 Ugh

 Why ugh?

Because I feel gross. I've been super bloated and gassy as of late and I'm slowly gaining weight. All things that are BAD. They are NOT GOOD. I haven't been terribly active, nor have I been eating well, so this is all my own doing, but damn. I need to accept the fact that sugary things make me bloat and feel gross and I need to stop eating them. But it's so freaking hard - they taste so good! 

I'm back up to 211lb. What the actual fuck. This is ridiculous. At my heaviest I weighed 240 - I lost 40lb on my own and was down to 198 . . . but now I'm back at 211. And I can't stand it. I hate seeing myself in pictures - I look so bad. So fat. And I just feel gross and bad. I'm sick of this. I need to get in shape - we're going to be mainly walking everywhere when we go to Japan in May, if I stay this out of shape I'm going to have problems keeping up, getting around. I mean, I'm seeing the chiropractor today because my hips have been bothering me (probably my excess weight and lack of movement). 

I need to make a big change. I'm at my tipping point, much like I was at when I was 240. I think I can do this. But I need to get  my butt in gear. Which is hard when, even though my mood has been decent, I still have no motivation for anything. I seem to do better exercising in the afternoon, but I feel so lazy and tired and drained and have a hard time doing anything. It's like I hit this hard slump after lunch. If I'm not at work I typically take a nap (it doesn't help that I haven't been sleeping the greatest the past few weeks). And after the nap I feel too lazy to do anything. And that's really it - I'm too lazy. I need to be more active. I'm going to strive to be more active. 

Now about my diet . . . it needs a complete overhaul. I need to be eating more plants. Less refined sugar. I have a hard time with cravings. Especially at work. If there's junk around (and there usually is), I eat it. And not just a little bit - oh no. It's like I'm compelled to eat, to stuff my face to discomfort. I hate that I do this but I can't seem to stop. I know that I'm an emotional eater. And that I eat when I'm bored or stressed. I really need to take steps to remedy this, I'm just not sure what those steps are. I've looked into a couple of eating coaches, but holy COW are they expensive! Thousands of dollars! I can't afford that right now. I was hoping that as my mood improved I would emotionally eat less - that's not the case. I'm eating just as much. And yes, it's affecting my mood. Because I beat myself up every time I overeat or stress or emotionally eat. My body feels gross, so so does my mind. 

I ordered some berberine supplements to try and help control my appetite. And some chlorella and collagen to help with my hair loss (another thing that eats away at my self esteem). I can pull most of my hair in a pony tail now (I've been growing it out from a pixie cut), and I can see thinning patches when I do this. My hair is already fine to begin with, but with the hair loss . . . well, it's not good. Other supplements I've tried haven't helped, but they were all biotin based. I already take a biotin supplement with my multivitamin, so extra biotin probably isn't going to do much. So chlorella. And collagen. And maybe if I can get my diet better that will help too. 

This post is so vain sounding. But I know that if I feel good physically it helps me feel good mentally. So I need to get my butt in gear. Get back into exercising. Eat healthier. Less refined sugar and carbs (which, self, make you bloat and feel gross anyway - why do you keep eating them??). So that's where I'm at.

Monday 11/29/21 It's Almost December

 It's crazy but true - it's almost December. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving last week. Mine was . . . it was okay, I guess. We went up to hubby's aunt's house in Denver. There were lots of people and lots of good food. It's just that I was overwhelmed and depressed so . . . yeah. 

Feeling down seems to be the new norm for me. I'm hoping to change this, go back to feeling good, feeling like myself. I have a theory that I'm testing out: about a month and a half ago I started taking a new supplement called Female Factor. It's supposed to help with perimenopause and menopause symptoms. And I've been feeling down for about a month. I started wondering if maybe something in this supplement is causing it. I've had reactions to supplements before. So I've stopped taking it. Today is my third day without it. I haven't noticed anything so far. What a wonderful and simple fix it would be if the supplement were the problem! I'm giving it time, so we'll see.

I see my psychiatrist on Thursday this week. I'll have to give him the bad news of how I've been feeling. And I'm going to talk to him about going up on my Wellbutrin. Back up to 300mg. I don't want to have to, but if the supplement thing isn't the problem then I'll probably need to increase my dose, see if that helps. It's about the only thing we can do. There really isn't anything else out there for me to try. I've literally done it all. Well, I guess that's not true - I haven't tried ketamine. That's the only thing I haven't tried. And I really don't want to. 

Otherwise, I'm doing everything I can to overcome this. I've been going over my notes from the mental and emotional mastery course I did, I've been reading articles and watching videos from the Depression Project (which is a series of online "classes" designed to help you overcome depression). I'm doing a daily journal that is designed to help you think more positively. I'm doing everything in my power to beat this. To not let it get me down. Like this morning - instead of laying back down in bed (which is what I really wanted to do), I changed and got on the spin bike. I plan on going to the gym this afternoon. I'm doing everything I know how to do. Which is why feeling down right now is so frustrating. I'm fighting it tooth and nail and I'm still not feeling right. I'm at a loss. I don't know what else to do. 

In other news, we haven't put up our Christmas tree yet. I'll be honest - I don't really want to. We have to put it up downstairs as there's not enough room for it upstairs. So it's not like we'll enjoy it that much. I'd rather get a small tree (like 2-3 ft tall) and put it on the coffee table. But then, of course, it would block the TV probably. So that doesn't really work either. Maybe on the side table by the railing . . . we could move some stuff around and put it there. I just think that if we're going to put a tree up it should be in a location where we can enjoy it. 

Anyway, I'll stop rambling on for now. 

Tuesday 10/1/19

So it's been a month since I last wrote (well, close enough), and I'm happy to say that my black cloud has dissipated. It's still there sometimes, when I'm by myself - or even in a group - lurking, waiting to take over. But, for the most part, it seems to be gone. And for this I'm grateful.

I went to my primary doc last week because I've been having joint pain. Let me be a little more specific: every joint except for my fingers and elbows have been hurting for the past 8 months and getting progressively worse over the last 2 months. And when I say hurting I mean H U R T I N G. Especially my hips and my wrists and thumbs. They ache. When I move I get sharp stabbing pain. I've also had random muscle soreness not congruent with working out. And we can't forget my headaches or fatigue (I actually went to my doc about 6 months ago because of the fatigue and he thought it was just my depression).

Well, now I have a diagnosis: Fibromyalgia.

Ugh. Yeah. Fibromyalgia. Joy. When he told me that my stomach dropped. Fibromyalgia is a chronic, lifelong illness that isn't very well understood or treated. Not necessarily the thing I want to hear. And it's weird, I immediately thought that I would have to reinvent myself. You know, as someone with both bipolar disorder and fibro.

But I don't really have to do that. I can still be me, just another version of me. One who's in pain from time to time. I don't know. I don't think that I've accepted that I have fibro. Maybe because I'm not as bad off as some other people are with it. I've been researching it like crazy and my symptoms certainly match those of fibro. If I'm in a flare right now - which my doc thinks I am - then it's tolerable. Will it always stay tolerable? Only time will tell. As of right now I've opted to go med free as I don't want to deal with more side effects (I deal with enough from my bipolar meds). I'm going to continue to research it and look for blogs to read. What I have started doing is taking more supplements. Glucosamine, collagen powder, turmeric, magnesium, and cinnamon. All have been touted to help fibromyalgia. We'll see.

So yeah. That's where I'm at. A new diagnosis that I don't want and haven't accepted. But I'll get there. Eventually.

3/17/19

Man. It's been awhile since I've written anything again. I'm not sure what's up with that. But let's get right into it, shall we?

I'm having a little bit of a rough day today. It's not a bad day, not by any means, but it's definitely a little rough. I'm feeling a bit down and my mind is racing and I can't seem to focus on anything. Even sitting down to write this is proving difficult.

When I have days like this it's hard for me to remember that it's just a day. I immediately think that it must be the start of a new episode. That I'm going to get worse. That life as I know it - stability - is going to come crashing down around me. I try to remind myself that that's simply not the case and that it's just one day. But that doesn't seem to help. My mind races with doomsday scenarios and it tends to make my mood worse.

And you may remember from my last post that there's a part of me that wants this to happen (a very, very small part, but a part none the less). And this part rejoices and throws negative commentary at me, trying to instill a sense of hopelessness. Today that little ear worm is gaining strength.

And that pisses me off.

And not only that, I've been more flat lately. People at work have noticed as I've been more quiet. I'm just not . . . feeling. Not Like I had been. Not like I want to. That in and of itself is a downer. I need to be able to feel. What good is stability if I'm flat? If I'm anhedonic? I don't know, what do I know?

To counter this I've started taking a couple of supplements. L-tryptophan and D,L-phenylalanine. They're amino acids that convert to serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. They're supposed to help with depression. Now, technically I'm not depressed. I'm stable. I'm hoping, on the one hand, they help keep me stable. On the other hand, if they raise serotonin and dopamine, I'm hoping for maybe some hypomania. I know, I know. I shouldn't be playing around with crap like this. It's not necessarily safe. Or wise. But I just really want a wider range of emotion. I feel so muted. And I'm tired of it.

Last night and this morning were my first doses of the supplements. And so of course I feel down. I seem to have a bad track record with supplements. I plan on giving them at least a few days to see how I feel. Hopefully my next blog post will be more positive and uplifting.