Day 24

Today has been an annoying day. The kind of day that has me questioning how well I really am, questioning if another episode is starting.

I woke up this morning, sun shining, birds chirping, and actually feeling rested. I looked at my watch to see that it was only 6:30. No. I wanted to sleep in this morning! I rolled over in bed, turning away from the window, but that didn't help. It was too bright and the chorus of birds was too loud. Fine, fine, I'll get up then.

I sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast, thinking about what I needed to accomplish today. Gym, laundry, take my son to therapy, finish a painting . . . Not too much, really. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had no motivation for any of it. Well, you don't have to go to the gym. You can workout at home. Do a 30 minute Insanity video - boom. Done. That sounded reasonable. But I still needed to psych myself up. I got on Ifunny, then Facebook. My mood was worsening though. Ok. You can go lay down for a little bit then. After all, it's only 7:30.

I crawled back into bed, pulling the covers over my head to block out the light and I set the alarm on my phone for 8, just in case. And I was just dozing off when the alarm went off. I hit the snooze. Then I hit the snooze again. And then I just turned it off. See, I couldn't pull myself out of bed. I just . . . couldn't. I didn't want to be awake. I didn't want to face the day and deal with how I was feeling. I finally got up at 9:15, only because I had to - I had to shower and go pick up my son from his grandma's so I could take him from therapy. Otherwise, I'm not sure I would have gotten out of bed.

Yes. So. I picked up my son, took him to therapy, and then we went home and had lunch. My plan was to finish a painting that I have sketched out of a blue jay. Instead, I sat at the table for an hour alternately doodling butterflies and staring off into space. So I went into the bedroom and laid down. What I wanted to do was curl into a ball and not exist. Or to be made unconscious at least until tomorrow. But no, I can't do that. So I napped instead. I didn't plan on napping long, only an hour. That hour turned into almost 2. Then I tried reading for a little bit but I couldn't concentrate.

So here I am, writing this. I feel like crap today. I feel depressed, down, empty, and like everything is pointless. I have no motivation and I can't muster up caring about, well, anything. Here's the shitty thing though - I don't feel as bad as I did a couple of months ago. Wait a minute! Shouldn't that be good? You feel better! That should be good! And yes, I guess, it should be good. But here's the thing - I'm stable but I still feel like crap. I'm okay, but I don't feel like I can participate in life. And that's the thing, too - I think this is how my life is going to be now. That even when I'm stable, even when I'm doing well, I'm going to have days where for no reason I plummet into a depression (conversely I guess, I could go into hypomania but that rarely happens).

This is frustrating!! A day I had things planned to do and all I accomplished was laying in bed. And then, then, I can't help but think about whether or not this is the start of an episode or a random day. I try not to think about it, I really do, but I can't seem to help it.

I should probably work to accept this new reality of mine. That would probably benefit me. It's just a difficult thing to do.

Ugh.

Day 23

Today hasn't been too bad I guess. I was on call for work and didn't get called in. That's always nice. So I got to sleep in and then hubby and I went to the flea market. I found a taxidermied wood duck that I of course had to own . . . I named him Badger. After the flea market was Costco and then grocery shopping. Good times, I know. I read for a bit while hubby played video games, we had a roll in the hay, and then dinner (Philly cheesesteak sandwiches). A pretty low key day, my mood was mostly even and okay, not too bad really.

And now I'm sitting here on the couch, hallucinating. Yes, you read that right - hallucinating. Someone keeps walking back and forth in the hallway. A non-real someone, obviously. That's okay though, I'm used to it. I know it's not real. Yesterday, in the movie theater (we went and saw Civil War), I was seeing orbs of light. My hallucinations tend to be random and don't seem to have a trigger. At least not one that I'm aware of. I've been getting them for about 2-2.5 years now. Something like that. Visual and auditory although the visual are much more frequent (auditory is pretty rare, actually).

I felt like I had more to say when I first logged on but now I'm thinking not. What a pointless post. Oh well.

Day 19

I was scheduled off today, but was on call for the first half of my shift, 7-1 (I'm an RN remember). I woke up when the alarm went off for my hubby at 5:15. 5:15!! Way too early when I don't have to work.

Except . . . I did have to work. As I was laying in bed my phone chimed a text message. Please be my friend L, please be my friend L. Nope. It was work. Informing me that they would need me to come in at 7. Dammit! *shakes fist* Oh well. Too bad I'm SICK though! (I mean, it's too bad I have to go to work when I'm sick, I didn't call in sick).

I got up, got in the shower and got ready for work. I still had sinus congestion, a whopping headache, and a little bit of a sore throat. No big deal though, right? Took some cold meds, took my son to school, and headed for work. When I got to work I tried to be as upbeat as possible, I tried chatting/joking with coworkers and being outgoing. I felt like I had to be as I felt very withdrawn. I could tell right off that I didn't want to interact with people today, so of course I forced myself to.

As I moved throughout the morning I became more aware of my mood: withdrawn, down, things don't matter, life is pointless, why bother trying . . . typical depressive symptoms. It got me thinking, am I feeling like this because I'm sick? Or am I having true depressive symptoms? Yesterday I missed karate and spent an awful lot of time either in bed or on the couch, all under the guise of not feeling good. Now, I truly didn't feel good, but I'm pretty damn sure I was playing up my cold so as to continue doing nothing. Why did I need to do nothing? Is it because I'm getting depressed again and the cold was a convenient scapegoat? Or was it really just the cold?

I wish I didn't have to think about this shit, but being bipolar makes that an impossibility. Shifts in mood or behavior have to be looked at as the possibility of a new mood episode starting. It's tiresome, quite honestly. My other thought was that being withdrawn is just part of who I am now. I guess only time will tell if that's true or not. I hope it's not.

But anyway, I actually had a pleasant day at work. I was able to stuff the depressive symptoms, I forced myself to interact, and I was only there until 12:30 (my patients were pretty awesome as well). I came home and I napped, picked my son up from school, and then have been lazy all evening. Which I think we all need sometimes. Oh, and I'm making BLTs for dinner, so that's a win right there.

That was probably a pretty boring post. Oh well, I don't really care.

Day 18

Well, today is day 18 of being "stable". That's right - you still notice the quotes? I'm still having difficulty with what I am. I'm having mood swings throughout the day, uncomfortable ones.

Yesterday, for example, hubby (J) and son (A) and I were sitting down to dinner. All of a sudden and out of the blue my mood plummeted, after being pretty okay all day. All through dinner I felt despair and as if life isn't worth living. After dinner, J laid down with me and tried to cheer me up. He tickled me, which made me laugh at first, but then I started sobbing for no real reason.

Today started okay, mood wasn't bad, took A to school and went out to the therapeutic riding center I volunteer at. I was only there a short period of time as classes were essentially cancelled (which was fine with me as I had a headache). I got my hair cut and colored and napped before picking A up from school. I felt very much like I was getting a cold. I skipped karate thanks to feeling sick, J and A still went. All this time my mood was mostly okay.

Until it wasn't.

They got home from karate and I felt like curling in a ball and not existing. I wanted to disappear. During dinner I felt the same way. I tried to chalk it up to having a cold, but I don't get these feelings when I have a cold - I get them when I'm depressed. It's too difficult to have to wake up every day and make it through the day, to find something worth living for. And I know I have things worth living for - I have my husband and my son for fuck's sake - but it's hard to hold onto that when you're not in control of your moods, when everything around you is so one dimensional and bleak.

Now luckily, luckily, these feelings aren't as strong as they were, not as strong as they were before I came upon this new found "stability". So I think I can manage, I think I can pull myself through.

At least that's what I tell myself.

It's just . . . all of this is so tiring.

Day 15

Today is day 15 of being "stable". Did you notice how I put the word stable in quotes? Yeah, that was on purpose. See, I was stable, up through day 11 or so. Now I'm not so sure.

I had 11 days or so of feeling pretty good. My moods were pretty even. I could even feel genuine happiness! My smiles weren't fake, I wasn't avoiding people at work, I interacted more with family. . . I felt okay. Hell, I felt amazing compared to where I was!

And then I started to feel off. I started to feel down. Anger crept in. I felt empty and withdrawn. Depressive symptoms. I immediately started to wonder if I was relapsing already. I can't be relapsing - it's only been 11-12 days! I try not to think about that - if I'm relapsing. It does me no good, only allows for negative thoughts. So I push those thoughts out of my head. They always creep back in, and I have to push them out again.

I think my brain/body is trying to tell me something. They're saying, Bitch, you have bipolar disorder and nothing is going to be easy. You're going to have to fight every day. Which is true, really. That's the nature of bipolar disorder. You can have symptoms crop up at any time for any reason. I had 11 days where I didn't really have to fight and now it seems that's changing.

I can tell you that I'm sick of this shit though. I mean seriously, what the fuck?? Why can't I just be stable?? Fuck you bipolar.

Day 12

Today is day 12 (in a row!) of being stable. And this, my friends, is actually pretty fucking huge. Why? Twelve days of being stable out of the last four and a half years. Yep. You read that right. Twelve days out of the last 1,642 days.

But finally, some stability.

Now, you wouldn't believe how happy my therapist was to hear this news on Monday. My psychiatrist too. (I'm treatment resistant). Let's just say they were through the roof.

It's nice to feel okay, even, stable. . . happy even. It's a big difference. My hubby and son have noticed the change in me (my son especially), and I'm sure it's a nice change for them, too.





But really, I want to talk about today. Because today has been a bit weird. Today has been a bit off. I've wanted to cut. All day I've wanted to cut. And now, now I feel down, empty, and questioning whether my life truly has meaning. In other words, depressive symptoms. They're mild, and I'm hoping they stay that way, because I don't need to relapse already. Not after only 12 fucking days. Stupid fucking brain.

Six Days

Well, today is day 6 for feeling stable. You read that correct: stable. What does feeling stable consist of? I don't want to kill myself, for starters. Or cut. I'm not full of despair and hopelessness, and I actually kind of feel like how I think a person should feel.

Score one for the team.

This is great! This is awesome! Right? Right?

And yet I struggle. With what, you ask? I still just feel empty, hollow. I have no motivation or drive. And I feel like any second this all is going to come crashing down around me. And I don't know what to do about these feelings. It's frustrating, honestly.

I don't even know what to write right now.