Day 19

I was scheduled off today, but was on call for the first half of my shift, 7-1 (I'm an RN remember). I woke up when the alarm went off for my hubby at 5:15. 5:15!! Way too early when I don't have to work.

Except . . . I did have to work. As I was laying in bed my phone chimed a text message. Please be my friend L, please be my friend L. Nope. It was work. Informing me that they would need me to come in at 7. Dammit! *shakes fist* Oh well. Too bad I'm SICK though! (I mean, it's too bad I have to go to work when I'm sick, I didn't call in sick).

I got up, got in the shower and got ready for work. I still had sinus congestion, a whopping headache, and a little bit of a sore throat. No big deal though, right? Took some cold meds, took my son to school, and headed for work. When I got to work I tried to be as upbeat as possible, I tried chatting/joking with coworkers and being outgoing. I felt like I had to be as I felt very withdrawn. I could tell right off that I didn't want to interact with people today, so of course I forced myself to.

As I moved throughout the morning I became more aware of my mood: withdrawn, down, things don't matter, life is pointless, why bother trying . . . typical depressive symptoms. It got me thinking, am I feeling like this because I'm sick? Or am I having true depressive symptoms? Yesterday I missed karate and spent an awful lot of time either in bed or on the couch, all under the guise of not feeling good. Now, I truly didn't feel good, but I'm pretty damn sure I was playing up my cold so as to continue doing nothing. Why did I need to do nothing? Is it because I'm getting depressed again and the cold was a convenient scapegoat? Or was it really just the cold?

I wish I didn't have to think about this shit, but being bipolar makes that an impossibility. Shifts in mood or behavior have to be looked at as the possibility of a new mood episode starting. It's tiresome, quite honestly. My other thought was that being withdrawn is just part of who I am now. I guess only time will tell if that's true or not. I hope it's not.

But anyway, I actually had a pleasant day at work. I was able to stuff the depressive symptoms, I forced myself to interact, and I was only there until 12:30 (my patients were pretty awesome as well). I came home and I napped, picked my son up from school, and then have been lazy all evening. Which I think we all need sometimes. Oh, and I'm making BLTs for dinner, so that's a win right there.

That was probably a pretty boring post. Oh well, I don't really care.