Today is day 15 of being "stable". Did you notice how I put the word stable in quotes? Yeah, that was on purpose. See, I was stable, up through day 11 or so. Now I'm not so sure.
I had 11 days or so of feeling pretty good. My moods were pretty even. I could even feel genuine happiness! My smiles weren't fake, I wasn't avoiding people at work, I interacted more with family. . . I felt okay. Hell, I felt amazing compared to where I was!
And then I started to feel off. I started to feel down. Anger crept in. I felt empty and withdrawn. Depressive symptoms. I immediately started to wonder if I was relapsing already. I can't be relapsing - it's only been 11-12 days! I try not to think about that - if I'm relapsing. It does me no good, only allows for negative thoughts. So I push those thoughts out of my head. They always creep back in, and I have to push them out again.
I think my brain/body is trying to tell me something. They're saying, Bitch, you have bipolar disorder and nothing is going to be easy. You're going to have to fight every day. Which is true, really. That's the nature of bipolar disorder. You can have symptoms crop up at any time for any reason. I had 11 days where I didn't really have to fight and now it seems that's changing.
I can tell you that I'm sick of this shit though. I mean seriously, what the fuck?? Why can't I just be stable?? Fuck you bipolar.
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