Saturday 12/30/23 Decision Time

 Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. And, of course, with the new year comes new year's resolutions and whatnot. And, with the new year coming, I've made a major decision: I'm not going to do school anymore. That's right. I'm dropping out. I will finish my course that I'm currently in, but after that . . . I'm done. I don't see myself as being a nurse practitioner, I don't see myself surviving 3 years of school. I don't even see myself making it through one more class. Originally I thought I would try one more. Just to see how it goes. But I can't. It's too overwhelming. I'm so stressed already from my first class. I'm in survival mode. I can't do another 8 weeks of this. Hell, I still have 2 weeks to go in my current class and I'm wondering how I'm going to make it. 

So, no. I'm quitting. And I'm at peace with my decision. I feel as though a weight has been lifted. I'm still worried about disappointing people, but it will be okay. I told Jeremy last night, around 11pm, because I couldn't sleep. I didn't fall asleep until after 2am, and then I only slept fitfully. Which is how most nights have been since starting school. He said he wasn't disappointed in me and told me that he thought I was doing better than I give myself credit for. But he doesn't know what goes on inside my head. Or how anxious and tired I am. Or how overwhelmed I am. I'm just done.

So. No more school. I feel guilty about spending the money on it. On a new desk, laptop, monitor, keyboard and mouse, printer/scanner, tuition . . . But hey. At least now I know, I guess. It was an expensive learning experience. Oy vey.

As for new year's resolutions, I just want to be healthy and happy. Mentally and physically healthy and happy. That's it.

Thursday 12/21/23 Almost Christmas

 Well, it's almost Christmas. Isn't that great. I'm not big into Christmas, never have been, so I don't really care all that much. Though it would have been nice to have time off from school for it. But no, we don't get holidays off. We get to plug right on through. Joy.

I had my midterm last week, which I got a 90% on. The only reason I got a 90% was because it was open book. Had it not been open book I would have failed it. I only knew the answer to one question out of 50. Not good. It was hyper-specific and insanely difficult. I mean, open book and I still missed 5 questions. This doesn't make me optimistic for other tests. I don't know if in my next class tests will be open book or not. If not, then I do believe I'm screwed. And my 3P exam (the test I take after my first 3 classes) is closed book and proctored. So yeah. I'm really screwed. 

And, if I'm being completely honest, I'm not sure I want to continue in the program. I keep thinking, do I really want to be the person to diagnose and treat people? That's a LOT of responsibility. And I don't know if I want that kind of responsibility. It scares me, quite honestly. I'm not sure I can do it. I'm not sure I want to do it. And I feel like I can't tell people that. Because everyone is so proud of me going back to school. And I'm doing it and getting good grades and people are proud. Like Jeremy. I don't want to let him down by quitting but I don't know if I really want to continue. Because obviously, I can do it. I've proven that. But it's so hard and time consuming and overwhelming and I feel like I'm drowning and there's no end in sight. It's going to be like this (or worse) for the next 3 years. I don't think I can handle that. I'd like to have time for things other than work and school. That's all I have time for right now. Work and school. School and work. I'd like to workout and relax and paint and maybe try sculpting. I'd like to read for fun. For myself. Not because I have to for class (and, let's be honest, textbooks are boring as hell). 

I don't want to let people down. But I'm not happy right now. I try to be. I pretend that I am. But I'm tired and irritable and stressed and down. And again, there's no end in sight. If I had time off between classes, then maybe? But my next class starts literally the day after this class ends. I don't even get ONE day off. And then I think, what if I make it through the program. What if I make it, and pass state boards, what then? I have to work under a doctor for 3 years before I can independently prescribe. Where will I be working? Is it going to be somewhere I don't want to? Like the state hospital because no one will hire me? That worries me. Most nurse practitioners start off in a crap job for several years. 

I wish I had clear answers. I wish I could see the future. I wish I knew what I wanted. And I wish I didn't feel horrible for thinking this way.   

Tuesday 12/12/23 It Continues

It continues . . . schoolwork that is. I got 100% on my COPD pamphlet, so that's cool. I honestly figured that I wasn't going to get a good grade on it as I didn't feel it was that creative and creativity was a big portion of the grade. So I was surprised to see that yesterday. Go me. Taking my midterm on Friday so I can maybe have a little time to study (I've been doing this week's discussions today, along with a mandatory work class I had to do), but I work the next 2 days, so . . . when exactly am I going to study? I have no idea. 

In other news, I had therapy yesterday. It was a good session. At least my therapist said it was :) No, it was. My mood has been slipping though. I've been feeling more down this past week, more stressed, more close to tears, and more overwhelmed. I'm also questioning if school is what I really want to be doing. You know - do I really want to be a nurse practitioner and be the one responsible for diagnosing and treating patients? Is that what I truly want or is it only what I think I want? I have no idea, honestly. But I have these doubts in my head and it's making me anxious. Everyone seems to think that I would make a good psychiatric nurse practitioner except for me. But is this because it's not what I really want to do, or is it imposter syndrome? Am I just doubting my abilities so much that I don't want to do this? I have no idea and it's frustrating. I don't know what to do. Hopefully with time I'll figure it out. I had sure better figure it out. 

On that note, I registered for my next class. Advanced physical assessment. Don't know what to expect with that one, just like I didn't know what to expect with this one. And that, of course, makes me anxious. I'm showing that I can do it so far. Lowest grade a 95%? I'm killing it so far (we'll see how my midterm goes on Friday). It's just, I feel like ALL of my free time is school. Because it is. I really don't have time for anything else. I'd love to do some drawing or painting but I simply don't have time. I feel guilty taking the 10 minutes it's taken me to write this. I just don't know if this is the right direction for me. I already feel burnt out. I get no breaks. No breaks for holidays, no breaks between classes. No breaks at all. It's just go, go, go. All the time. There's always school work to be done. 

Time will tell I guess. I just hope it tells me soon.

Tuesday 12/5/23 School and More School

 Well guys, I'm part way through week 3 of my first class. And it is intense. I've done SO MUCH reading from my giant-ass textbook (that literally weighs 10 pounds), have posted 4 discussions and 8 replies, written a paper, and made an educational pamphlet on COPD. So. Much. Work. Next week I have 2 discussions and 4 replies to post and a test. My midterm. Yep. Midterm on week 4 because the class is only 8 weeks long. It's crazy, but I'm doing it. The lowest grade I've gotten so far is a 95% on my paper (I got docked on APA formatting). Haven't turned in my pamphlet yet, so not sure how that's going to be graded. We'll see. All my discussions I've gotten 100%. Go me.

I'm worried about my midterm though. It's soooooo much freaking information and I have trouble recalling information. My memory loss is at play for real. Stupid bipolar and stupid ECT have wrecked my memory. But, we'll see. Who knows - maybe I'll surprise myself. It's 50 questions and we have 150 minutes to take it (3 minutes per question). It's open book, but since it's timed I don't really have the luxury of spending too much time looking up info. So it's more like a closed book test, honestly. 

I haven't had much time for anything other than work and school. School and work. No time for artwork. I feel like I have no time to workout. I can't really read my giant textbook while on the spin bike or doing yoga, ya know? I also haven't been sleeping well the past week or so. Hard time falling asleep, hard time staying asleep, waking up early but being too groggy to really function. It's been great. And I don't have time to nap. I have too much reading to do (reading for next week is over 300 pages). Mood wise I've been mostly okay. Have been feeling a little more down lately, close to tears often, but mostly okay. Kind of. I'm sure the lack of sleep isn't helping. 

That's about it. I'm pretty boring right now. School and work, and work and school. Ugh.