Well, it's almost Christmas. Isn't that great. I'm not big into Christmas, never have been, so I don't really care all that much. Though it would have been nice to have time off from school for it. But no, we don't get holidays off. We get to plug right on through. Joy.
I had my midterm last week, which I got a 90% on. The only reason I got a 90% was because it was open book. Had it not been open book I would have failed it. I only knew the answer to one question out of 50. Not good. It was hyper-specific and insanely difficult. I mean, open book and I still missed 5 questions. This doesn't make me optimistic for other tests. I don't know if in my next class tests will be open book or not. If not, then I do believe I'm screwed. And my 3P exam (the test I take after my first 3 classes) is closed book and proctored. So yeah. I'm really screwed.
And, if I'm being completely honest, I'm not sure I want to continue in the program. I keep thinking, do I really want to be the person to diagnose and treat people? That's a LOT of responsibility. And I don't know if I want that kind of responsibility. It scares me, quite honestly. I'm not sure I can do it. I'm not sure I want to do it. And I feel like I can't tell people that. Because everyone is so proud of me going back to school. And I'm doing it and getting good grades and people are proud. Like Jeremy. I don't want to let him down by quitting but I don't know if I really want to continue. Because obviously, I can do it. I've proven that. But it's so hard and time consuming and overwhelming and I feel like I'm drowning and there's no end in sight. It's going to be like this (or worse) for the next 3 years. I don't think I can handle that. I'd like to have time for things other than work and school. That's all I have time for right now. Work and school. School and work. I'd like to workout and relax and paint and maybe try sculpting. I'd like to read for fun. For myself. Not because I have to for class (and, let's be honest, textbooks are boring as hell).
I don't want to let people down. But I'm not happy right now. I try to be. I pretend that I am. But I'm tired and irritable and stressed and down. And again, there's no end in sight. If I had time off between classes, then maybe? But my next class starts literally the day after this class ends. I don't even get ONE day off. And then I think, what if I make it through the program. What if I make it, and pass state boards, what then? I have to work under a doctor for 3 years before I can independently prescribe. Where will I be working? Is it going to be somewhere I don't want to? Like the state hospital because no one will hire me? That worries me. Most nurse practitioners start off in a crap job for several years.
I wish I had clear answers. I wish I could see the future. I wish I knew what I wanted. And I wish I didn't feel horrible for thinking this way.
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