Monday 11/29/21 It's Almost December

 It's crazy but true - it's almost December. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving last week. Mine was . . . it was okay, I guess. We went up to hubby's aunt's house in Denver. There were lots of people and lots of good food. It's just that I was overwhelmed and depressed so . . . yeah. 

Feeling down seems to be the new norm for me. I'm hoping to change this, go back to feeling good, feeling like myself. I have a theory that I'm testing out: about a month and a half ago I started taking a new supplement called Female Factor. It's supposed to help with perimenopause and menopause symptoms. And I've been feeling down for about a month. I started wondering if maybe something in this supplement is causing it. I've had reactions to supplements before. So I've stopped taking it. Today is my third day without it. I haven't noticed anything so far. What a wonderful and simple fix it would be if the supplement were the problem! I'm giving it time, so we'll see.

I see my psychiatrist on Thursday this week. I'll have to give him the bad news of how I've been feeling. And I'm going to talk to him about going up on my Wellbutrin. Back up to 300mg. I don't want to have to, but if the supplement thing isn't the problem then I'll probably need to increase my dose, see if that helps. It's about the only thing we can do. There really isn't anything else out there for me to try. I've literally done it all. Well, I guess that's not true - I haven't tried ketamine. That's the only thing I haven't tried. And I really don't want to. 

Otherwise, I'm doing everything I can to overcome this. I've been going over my notes from the mental and emotional mastery course I did, I've been reading articles and watching videos from the Depression Project (which is a series of online "classes" designed to help you overcome depression). I'm doing a daily journal that is designed to help you think more positively. I'm doing everything in my power to beat this. To not let it get me down. Like this morning - instead of laying back down in bed (which is what I really wanted to do), I changed and got on the spin bike. I plan on going to the gym this afternoon. I'm doing everything I know how to do. Which is why feeling down right now is so frustrating. I'm fighting it tooth and nail and I'm still not feeling right. I'm at a loss. I don't know what else to do. 

In other news, we haven't put up our Christmas tree yet. I'll be honest - I don't really want to. We have to put it up downstairs as there's not enough room for it upstairs. So it's not like we'll enjoy it that much. I'd rather get a small tree (like 2-3 ft tall) and put it on the coffee table. But then, of course, it would block the TV probably. So that doesn't really work either. Maybe on the side table by the railing . . . we could move some stuff around and put it there. I just think that if we're going to put a tree up it should be in a location where we can enjoy it. 

Anyway, I'll stop rambling on for now. 

Monday 11/22/21 Loss

 So my grandpa died this past Saturday and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. That's a weird statement, isn't it? I don't know how I feel about it? But it's true. I'm kind of just numb. And, if I'm honest, I've been trying not to think about it. I've been ignoring it. Which may also be weird. I don't know. 

My grandpa was a cantankerous old fart and a bit of a jerk at times. Like, a big jerk. He was controlling over my grandma and mom, the first to point out flaws (whether they were real or imagined), and often put people down on the regular. He was, however, a generous man, loved me and his great grandson (my son), was always proud of me and pushed me to do my best. Even though he could seem cold on the exterior, he loved deeply. 

I haven't cried. I don't know if I will. Which, in my current mental and emotional state, is a bit strange. Part of me is relieved at his passing - he was very ill and had no quality of life. Part of me is sad, as I know I will miss him. And part of me is almost indifferent (maybe this is the part of me that saw how he often treated people, I don't know). Or maybe I'm indifferent because it doesn't seem real yet. Like if I call he's still going to answer the phone. 

There probably won't be a funeral - he donated his body to science. I don't know if my grandma wants to have a service of any kind. So as of now there's no real closure. He's just . . . gone. My grandma really needs to go into assisted living, but she doesn't want to. She says she loves her house and wants to die there. She's 94 and in pretty good health so she may have several years left. But she doesn't know how to do things herself - my grandpa took care of everything. Assisted living would be the safest, most practical approach. We'll see I guess. Ultimately it's her choice. 

I was supposed to be on call today, but I called work last night and had them take me off. I don't quite feel up to being around people and functioning. I was supposed to go to a birthday party Saturday night, but I didn't go for the same reason I'm no longer on call today. I work Wednesday, Friday and Saturday this week, and I'll be there, hopefully in better spirits. I just couldn't risk being there today. 

So anyway, that's my news today. Thursday is Thanksgiving which is just crazy. Time is going by so quickly. We'll be going to hubby's aunt's house in Denver to celebrate. I hope you all have a good holiday.

Wednesday 11/17/21 Yep, again

 Yeah, I'm writing again. A second day this week. All because I'm struggling. Still. It's annoying and it sucks and it's stupid. I'm over it. 

I worked yesterday on the floor (post-partum). My morning was pretty steady, my evening was crazy busy. And in between? Chill. Which was a problem. Why? Because I had time to be with my thoughts. Which are ugly. I was definitely down yesterday. And I had no one to really talk to. Surface conversations sure, but not anything meaningful. Not anything helpful. I was flat and withdrawn and stayed to myself most of the day. I tried to open up and talk, I really did, but it was so hard. It was easier to pull away. Easier to lie.  Because opening up about not feeling like myself means admitting that I'm not doing good. It makes me vulnerable. It makes me feel weak. If I were going through a loss or some great turmoil then how I feel would make sense to people, right? But just feeling depressed? For no reason? Yeah. I hate trying to explain that. So I stayed quiet. Silently suffering. 

And today. Today I feel like I need to cry. I just can't seem to let the tears flow. I'm tearing up writing this but I can't cry. It's not coming. I keep thinking I would feel relief if I could let it out, but nothing is coming. And my anger today. I'm so irritable. At everything. It's not a good feeling. I have no motivation. It took everything I had just to shower and shave my legs. But shower and shave my legs I did. But barely any makeup. Enough so that it doesn't look like I didn't try. And my hair. Well, I blow dried it but didn't use any product. At all. I couldn't be bothered. I don't care. I don't fucking care. I want to sleep the day away. Escape my mind. 

I'm not going to though. 

No, I'm going to read. I downloaded a new book on overcoming depression. I'm going to start reading it today. Maybe it'll have some new tidbits in it. Maybe it'll help reinforce what I already know. I'm hoping for both. 

I've lost my train of thought though - while writing the above small paragraph I had to go pick up my son from school as he's sick. So I'm going to end here.

Monday 11/15/21 Look, it's Monday

 Well it's Monday. A new week. A new start. A new day. 

I'm off today, having worked the last 3 days (and of course I work tomorrow). I haven't done anything today except start laundry. I plan on doing the dishes as well, but I don't know if much else will get accomplished. I've been doing a lot of sitting and staring off into space. I have no motivation. Surprise! That's the story of my life right now. No motivation. Feeling down. Accomplishing nothing. 

I'm over it.

But I don't know what to do about it. I really don't. I'm trying, I really am. And I'm failing. Everything that I did in my mental and emotional mastery program . . . it's not helping. Thinking positively . . . not helping. Trying to change habits . . . not helping. Forcing myself to do things . . . not helping. Praying . . . not helping. I'm at my wits end. 

I'm supposed to see my psychiatrist in December. Maybe I should see him sooner. Maybe I should go back up on my Wellbutrin (I'm on 150mg - I used to be on 300mg). Maybe I should see my therapist. Maybe I should do all of this. And continue doing everything else. Throw everything I can at this. I'm tenacious. I'm not giving up. And I'm not going back to being depressed. I'm not. It's not an option. 

The past 4 days I've been a lifeline for a friend who's going through a rough patch. A really rough patch. She reached out to me and I've been trying to help her. Giving her words of encouragement, pulling her back from the ledge. She asked me about my sparrows and I sketched one for her which she got tattooed on her yesterday. She had a ketamine infusion today and is starting to feel a little bit better. Her trials remind me of what I've gone through in the past. And what I could potentially go through again. It scares me. I'm so glad I can be there for her though. It helps to have someone who understands. 

Today I'm down and flat. I just want to sleep. Take a nap until hubby gets home and we go to the gym. Because yeah, I'm forcing myself to go to the gym. I have to. I'll feel worse if I don't go. I'm trying to eat healthy again and count my macros. I'm trying to make working out a habit. I'm trying. 

Anyway, here's my friend's little sparrow:

Sparrows are a symbol of hope for me. I have a few tattooed on me, too. Hopefully this little sparrow can help guide my friend out of the dark. 

Thursday 11/11/21 Ugh

 I'm really getting sick of my lack of motivation. Today is my 4th day off in a row (lucky me, right?) and I haven't accomplished anything! I made a sock rat yesterday and did laundry. Woohoo. Go me. Otherwise I've done nothing. It's frustrating. I need to suck it up and force myself to do stuff but it seems I just can't. I go downstairs to my office and sit and stare and do nothing. I have no inspiration for artwork and I can't bring myself to sew. I have a sink full of dirty dishes that sits there, mocking me. I need to dust and clean the bathrooms. But I don't. I have a drawing of a fox I need to paint. But I don't. I have the pattern pieces cut out for a soul sucker, I just need to sew it. But I don't. I can't stand this. 

I'm feeling more depressed again today. I don't want to use that word. Depressed. But it is what it is. I could say I'm feeling down, but that doesn't quite cover the apathy and the fatigue and the brain fog. I think I'm heading into another episode. I don't want to jump the gun saying this. I don't want to catastrophize or overthink this. But I can't deny that overall I'm feeling more melancholy. My thoughts are straying more and more towards the dark. I'm not finding the joy in little things. I'm not feeling happy or content. I'm feeling lost. I feel like I'm starting to struggle to keep my head above water. For a while - a long while - I was on the pier, my toes just brushing the water. But I've fallen in and I'm struggling to stay afloat. I'm not just gently treading water - oh no. And while I may not be violently thrashing about, quickly losing my air, I am struggling. I'm working hard. I'm looking for a life vest. I need something to hold on to. 

Work, I know, is a big contributor to how I'm feeling right now. Because I'm burnt out and overwhelmed. Because if we're not crazy busy we're floating to other units. And because the higher ups don't seem to care. Nobody does. I got a text last night asking for nurses to come to work today. So we're either really busy or there were several sick calls - or both. I work the next 3 days so I declined. Working four 12 hour shifts in a row is not good for my mental health. And I felt so freaking guilty for not going in today. The guilt eats away at me. But I know I would be worse off if I had gone in. It's a catch 22. Work and be miserable, don't work and be miserable. I have to opt for what will make me the least miserable. And today it was not working. 

And there's something else bothering me. Something that's so remote and so, honestly, stupid that I don't even want to write about it. But I'm going to. Because I need to. Here goes. We're planning a trip to Japan in a couple of years. My son desperately wants to go. He adores Japanese culture and is hooked on anime and manga. So hubby and I decided we would take him there hopefully for his 16th birthday. And, quite honestly, I'm terrified of this trip. I'm terrified of everything about it. The ridiculously long flight, the jet lag, the culture shock, the language barrier, the food . . . everything. It seems so daunting and scary and hard. I keep reminding myself that I can do hard things . . . but this seems like it's too much for me to handle. It's the trip of a lifetime and I'd almost rather not go. Because not going would be easier. Because not going is less scary. I hate this. I try my best to not even think about the trip, but the seed is there, in the back of my mind, festering. I'm sure this is contributing to my overwhelm. As stupid as it seems. 

I also feel like I'm in a major rut with life in general. I don't really do anything. We used to have friends over for games and dinners all the time. We'd go out with friends and do things. And now . . . we don't. The friends we used to hang with abandoned us when I was at my worst. The friends I have now, my two good friends, well, we don't really do anything. Get coffee every once in awhile, but that's it. We see each other at work and text each other . . . but that's all we do. And it kinda sucks. Hubby has some friends from church, but not ones we do anything with. It just feels like I should be doing more. And I'm not. 

And on top of all this - the icing on the cake - is that recently I haven't been enjoying my art or sewing. It feels stagnant. It feels not good enough. It feels forced. Imposter syndrome maybe. They say all artists have it to some extent. Well, count me in. Which is probably one of the reasons I have no motivation to create. I don't feel that my stuff is good enough. So why bother? 

Oh, and while I'm at this long drawn out dump of everything bothering me, I might as well talk about my weight. Overall I've lost 22 pounds. Something to be proud of, right? Well, I'm not. Because I fell off the wagon. I've all but given up. I have no motivation to workout. I'm finding it difficult to count and follow my macros. And I hate myself for this. I've dusted myself off. I'm trying again. But my overall apathy makes it hard to get anything done. I need to lose more weight. For my health. For my sanity. I weigh 218 pounds and I want to at least get down to 180. That's a LOT more weight to lose. And it seems daunting and impossible to do. And I beat myself up every chance I get. If I have a treat or a snack. If I don't workout. If I eat something unhealthy. You think it would motivate me. But no, it stagnates me. I feel worse, so I eat worse. I feel worse, so I don't work out because I don't think I deserve it. 

This post sucks. I need to change my mindset for the better. I need to flood myself with positivity. I need to eat healthy and workout. I need to take time off from work. I need to do something. I'll get there. Eventually. I always do. One foot in front of the other. Right? Right. 

Tuesday 11/9/21 Work and Overwhelm

 Well, here we are again, you and I. A little over a week has gone by and I'm very tired and burnt out. I'm also feeling a little bit used. More on that in a minute. 

How are you, faithful reader? There's only one of you (or maybe there's more who stumble upon my blog and the count doesn't show it - who knows). I'm doing . . . okay. I've been battling a cold the past week and my congestion and cough are horrible. It's been keeping me up at night - most notably last night. Though I feel fine - not sick at all, really - just tired and congested. I hate colds like this, that linger. It's very annoying. I still worked, even though I was "under the weather". I don't like calling in sick and I felt well enough to work, so why not? We're all wearing masks anyway, so I'm probably not spreading too many germs. 

Last week I worked 4 days - two 12 hour shifts and two 6 hour shifts. The 6 hour shifts were brutally slow. Why two 6 hour shifts and not one 12 hour? Well, that's because I split 2 shifts with a coworker (who is also a good friend). So instead of one full shift, I ended up with two half shifts. The first was Sunday, Halloween. My friend worked the morning and I worked the back half so she could take her son trick or treating. It was a slow afternoon that dragged on and on. Then I worked Wednesday and Friday full shifts. Both days were steady. Then this past Saturday was my other half shift. Again, I worked the second half so my friend could get family photos done. And this is why I feel a bit used. See, I'm pretty flexible with my work schedule. And everyone seems to know this. So everyone comes to me with trades. I usually say yes, because if I don't have anything planned, then why not? Right? I'm a good egg, helping my coworkers out. Which has been leaving me feeling taken advantage of. Why? Because there have been a couple times when I really needed a trade and no one was there to help me. But it's just expected of me to trade with others, move my shifts around to accommodate everyone else. I've been getting more and more frustrated with this. And this last swap with my friend was kind of the last straw. Mainly because she just expected me to do the trade, no questions asked. It just rubbed me the wrong way. Especially since I've been so burnt out at work. I didn't feel appreciated. Just . . . used. 

And I am still burnt out. Really burnt out. I worked all last weekend - Friday, Saturday, and Sunday - and I'm working all this weekend too. I want to go to church and watch football but nooooo, my dumbass had to trade a shift. I'm trying to see the bright side. Like, it gives me 4 days off in a row. Time to recharge! Except I'm not recharging - I'm just annoyed and tired. I accomplished nothing yesterday and I've accomplished nothing today either. I'm so tired and I have no motivation. I get up, take the boy to school, have breakfast and coffee, and then go back to bed for an hour or so before I shower. Then I do nothing and end up taking a nap. This is what I do on my days off. And it is NOT recharging my battery. I feel worthless and pointless and unmotivated and lazy and fed up with myself. I hate that I'm doing this but I can't seem to stop or get out of this rut I'm in. It's like all I do is work and sleep my life away. Sounds like depression, doesn't it? I think there's a little bit there, hiding out in the shadows, not  really perceptible, but there none the less. And I think it's sapping my energy. My motivation. My joy. I think it's contributing to my burn out and overwhelm. And then my burn out and overwhelm make the depression that much stronger. It's a cycle. One I intend to break. I just don't know how. 

Tomorrow I'll start breaking it. Tomorrow I'm going to try something different. I'm going to get up early and shower before I take the boy to school. I'm not going to let myself lay back down. I'm not going to nap. I'm going to sew. I'm going to be productive. Tomorrow and Thursday (because starting Friday I'm back at work for 3 in a row). We'll see how I do. Fingers crossed.   

 

Monday 11/1/21 November . . .

 It's November. How the heck did that happen? Time seems to be flying by, but at the same time almost standing still. I don't know if that makes any sense. 

I'm feeling out of sorts today. Down, no motivation, no drive, no nothing. I feel like I'm running on empty. I didn't shower this morning until 10:30 - I laid in bed until then. I've managed to do laundry and the dishes, but that's it. I don't want to do anything else. Everything seems so hard. And pointless. And I know this feeling will pass - I felt this way a week and a half ago and it did, indeed, pass. But here I am again, feeling blah. I don't know what I need or what I'm, I guess, waiting for? I don't know. I just feel stuck. In a rut. And I can't seem to pull myself out of it. 

I had a good morning yesterday, went to mass, had coffee, hung out . . . and then I went in to work at 1 (I split the shift with another nurse). I got to work and I felt drained of all happiness. Drained of all my energy. Which made me realize just how burnt out I am at work. How much I don't want to be there, even though I do love my job. Something has to change, I just don't know what that something is. I don't want to change positions - I genuinely love what I do. I would be even more miserable on another unit (which, of course, we're all floating to other units to help out because the entire hospital is short staffed). And let's be honest - floating SUCKS. But I don't want to get into that right now. I want to reiterate how shocked I was at how unhappy I was at work yesterday. Maybe it's because I was bored. But, I found things to do. Maybe it's because of some of the people. But, I avoided them. I think I'm just horribly burnt out and I don't know what to do. And I know it's not just me - which is the sad thing. Most every nurse I know is burnt out right now. 

And then, last night I found out something terrible - my mom, who was supposed to fly to Arizona yesterday to help out my grandparents, was pushed by some asshole down an escalator. She spent the night in the hospital and fractured her arm and eye socket, and has 18 stitches in her face. She looks awful. I already hate people and this definitely does not instill hope in me for humanity. This hurts my heart and makes me incredibly angry. And I know it's probably contributing to my bad mood today. 

But what can I do? Everything is out of my control. The world is going to shit and there's nothing I can do. My mood is going to shit and there's nothing I can do. All of the positivity and mantras and napping, etc isn't doing anything. I'm still feeling crappy. All of this makes me wonder . . . maybe I don't love my job. Maybe I need something else. But what? I don't want to work on another unit. I really don't. When I think long and hard about it, I don't. Other units suck even more. Caring for new babies is rewarding. Helping new parents with their babies is rewarding. I need a break. I need a purpose. I need a why. I've lost my way it seems and I need some guidance. I need God's help in this. I guess I just put it in His hands and ask for help. Surrender. Have faith that He'll guide me straight. I don't know what else to do.