Yeah, I'm writing again. A second day this week. All because I'm struggling. Still. It's annoying and it sucks and it's stupid. I'm over it.
I worked yesterday on the floor (post-partum). My morning was pretty steady, my evening was crazy busy. And in between? Chill. Which was a problem. Why? Because I had time to be with my thoughts. Which are ugly. I was definitely down yesterday. And I had no one to really talk to. Surface conversations sure, but not anything meaningful. Not anything helpful. I was flat and withdrawn and stayed to myself most of the day. I tried to open up and talk, I really did, but it was so hard. It was easier to pull away. Easier to lie. Because opening up about not feeling like myself means admitting that I'm not doing good. It makes me vulnerable. It makes me feel weak. If I were going through a loss or some great turmoil then how I feel would make sense to people, right? But just feeling depressed? For no reason? Yeah. I hate trying to explain that. So I stayed quiet. Silently suffering.
And today. Today I feel like I need to cry. I just can't seem to let the tears flow. I'm tearing up writing this but I can't cry. It's not coming. I keep thinking I would feel relief if I could let it out, but nothing is coming. And my anger today. I'm so irritable. At everything. It's not a good feeling. I have no motivation. It took everything I had just to shower and shave my legs. But shower and shave my legs I did. But barely any makeup. Enough so that it doesn't look like I didn't try. And my hair. Well, I blow dried it but didn't use any product. At all. I couldn't be bothered. I don't care. I don't fucking care. I want to sleep the day away. Escape my mind.
I'm not going to though.
No, I'm going to read. I downloaded a new book on overcoming depression. I'm going to start reading it today. Maybe it'll have some new tidbits in it. Maybe it'll help reinforce what I already know. I'm hoping for both.
I've lost my train of thought though - while writing the above small paragraph I had to go pick up my son from school as he's sick. So I'm going to end here.
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