Friday 7/31/20 Well it's Friday

Hello weirdos! It's Friday! And the last day of July! Which I'm having a hard time believing it's August tomorrow. This year has been the fastest, yet the slowest year EVER. 

So . . . what's been going on? How have you all been?

I'm surprisingly still doing well. My good, stable mood is holding steady. Which is amazing and awesome and nice! I'm loving feeling like myself again. I'm going to give it 6 months, and if I'm still doing well, I'm going to try and go back to working full time. Wouldn't that be amazing?! I haven't been full time for 6 years! I'd love to be able to contribute more to our income. So that is my goal. I'm also tossing around the idea of volunteering at the therapeutic riding center again. We'll see.

There isn't anything else much going on. I'm still working on my mental and emotional mastery program (I'm actually almost done!). When I finish it, I'm going to go back through the whole program again, really solidify all of the information. I'm really enjoying this program and it has been beyond helpful!

In my last post I discussed how I went down on my Lithium by myself without consulting my doc. Well, no ill effects so far. I still have my tremor but it is slightly less. I may just go down by another pill (from 3, down to 2, down to 1). We'll see. Going off of it completely would be nice. But again, we'll see. 

That's about it. Nothing else fun or exciting going on. Take care, my little weirdos!

Thursday 7/23/20 Therapy and stuff

Hello my little weirdos! How is everyone doing today? I hope you all are doing well :)

It's been about a week and a half since I last wrote and not too much has changed. I'm still feeling pretty dang good. More than good some days (like today). I feel like myself again! Which is AMAZING! I attribute this partly to being on Wellbutrin and mostly Ty Hicks' Mental and Emotional Mastery program that I've been working. This program has opened my eyes to my own toxic habits and is helping me change them permanently. It's the bomb diggity! So yeah, feeling better.

Anyway, I had therapy today and I had a good session. M and I talked about a myriad of topics including my continued good mood, how work is going (great), and, of course, my mom. Ugh. I hate talking about her, but considering I continue to have issues with my relationship with her, I need to continue to talk about her (my mom is an alcoholic, btw, has been since before I was born). I did drop a bomb on M too - I decreased my lithium dose without consulting my psychiatrist. 

Yep. 

I decreased my own medication without talking to my doc first. Might be a stupid move, we'll find out. I've been on my lower dose for 9 days and I don't feel a difference (yet). Why did I do this? Because my tremor (a side effect of lithium) has been getting progressively worse. I didn't want to decrease my dose at the same time I was starting Wellbutrin as two med changes at the same time can be dangerous. And I didn't decrease by much. I usually take 3 tablets a day, I decreased it to 2 (the tablets are 450mg each). We'll see how this plays out. I see Dr. M in September. I'm guessing he won't be pleased. Oh well. 

That's about it. Not much this week. I'm thinking about posting some of my artwork here . . . we'll see.  

Monday 7/13/20 It's Hot in Here

Hello my little weirdos! It's been bloody HOT here in Colorado as of late and I'm not enjoying it. Seventy-five with a breeze? Yes, please and thank you! But 95?? Hell no! Thank goodness for central air! Otherwise I'd be one cranky bitch!

Anyway, I'm happy to report that this past week has been a good one. My mood has been stable with no depression (I'm still getting irritable but I'm able to manage it). I spoke with my psychiatrist last Wednesday and he was very pleasantly surprised (I don't think he thought I'd be any better). But here I am, plugging away with a positive mindset and happy demeanor! It's quite nice honestly.

Now, that being said, there is something weighing heavy on my heart. A coworker of mine - a young coworker of mine - recently lost her husband to cancer. M has only been gone around 2 months and I feel for J every day. She posted pictures of her family on FB today, and I felt so deeply moved and saddened that it was visceral. I ached for her and the pain she must be experiencing and I cried. I wish I could lessen the load for her. It's awful. Such a beautiful young couple. 

Her situation got me thinking about what would happen if I lost my husband. It's something I can't even comprehend. I don't know what I'd do or how I'd cope. I'd like to think I'd be strong and I'd carry on for my son's sake, but the truth is, I don't know if I could go on without him. He's my everything. I love him with every fiber of my being and just thinking about this is making me cry again. How does someone move on from that? Seriously.

Jer and I discussed this a little bit the other day. If he were to die tomorrow what would I do? Would I stay single? Would I eventually move on and date again? I don't think I could - I'd be comparing everyone to him and no one would measure up. Ever. On the other hand, I don't know if I could be alone. I crave the close companionship that only a partner can provide. But my partner. MY husband. Jer. Now.  We've been together for 20 years, he's my soulmate. 

I wish I wasn't thinking about this. Fuck. Tears streaming down my face as I write this out. I just can't imagine being without him. Well, now that it's out maybe I can put it to rest. Not worry over it and let it fester, consume me (like I usually do with stuff that bothers me). And hopefully I can support J without getting so emotionally caught up in it.  

Monday 7/6/20 Stuff and Things

Hello all my little weirdos (like, 2 people who actually read this blog)! How are you all doing?

I have officially been in my Mental and Emotional Mastery program for two weeks! I've gone through a lot of modules and have learned a lot of stuff. I've actually almost gotten through half of the material - which is supposed to take 2-3 months. So yeah . . . maybe I'm spending a little too much time on it. I'm going to slow my pace down and re-watch some of the beginning videos to make sure I really grasp the concepts. I spoke with Ty on the phone today (the mental health coach who created this program) to touch base on how I'm doing. Which is good. I'm doing good. 

Now last week when I wrote I was hypomanic. Well, my euphoria switched gears into irritability for a couple days, which sucked. I was able to mostly manage it though. Thank goodness. Dysphoric hypomania is not fun. So I'm not hypomanic anymore. Darn. 

I am, actually, doing well though. I'm not really feeling that depressed. Down at times, withdrawn, sometimes irritable . . . but not depressed. I've been able to change my negative thought patterns into more positive ones and actually sustain them. Which I haven't been able to do before (at least for a lasting period of time). I think my change in mood is three-fold: my enthusiasm for the program, actually working the program, and being on Wellbutrin. I think these have all contributed to the positive changes I'm seeing. I certainly have a more positive outlook, which is great.

Otherwise, there's not much new going on. I'm reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren and am enjoying it. It's a spiritual 40 day overhaul. You read a chapter a day for 40 days and the book helps you find purpose or meaning in your life. Today is day 16 for me. 

So yeah. I guess that's it.