Monday 7/13/20 It's Hot in Here

Hello my little weirdos! It's been bloody HOT here in Colorado as of late and I'm not enjoying it. Seventy-five with a breeze? Yes, please and thank you! But 95?? Hell no! Thank goodness for central air! Otherwise I'd be one cranky bitch!

Anyway, I'm happy to report that this past week has been a good one. My mood has been stable with no depression (I'm still getting irritable but I'm able to manage it). I spoke with my psychiatrist last Wednesday and he was very pleasantly surprised (I don't think he thought I'd be any better). But here I am, plugging away with a positive mindset and happy demeanor! It's quite nice honestly.

Now, that being said, there is something weighing heavy on my heart. A coworker of mine - a young coworker of mine - recently lost her husband to cancer. M has only been gone around 2 months and I feel for J every day. She posted pictures of her family on FB today, and I felt so deeply moved and saddened that it was visceral. I ached for her and the pain she must be experiencing and I cried. I wish I could lessen the load for her. It's awful. Such a beautiful young couple. 

Her situation got me thinking about what would happen if I lost my husband. It's something I can't even comprehend. I don't know what I'd do or how I'd cope. I'd like to think I'd be strong and I'd carry on for my son's sake, but the truth is, I don't know if I could go on without him. He's my everything. I love him with every fiber of my being and just thinking about this is making me cry again. How does someone move on from that? Seriously.

Jer and I discussed this a little bit the other day. If he were to die tomorrow what would I do? Would I stay single? Would I eventually move on and date again? I don't think I could - I'd be comparing everyone to him and no one would measure up. Ever. On the other hand, I don't know if I could be alone. I crave the close companionship that only a partner can provide. But my partner. MY husband. Jer. Now.  We've been together for 20 years, he's my soulmate. 

I wish I wasn't thinking about this. Fuck. Tears streaming down my face as I write this out. I just can't imagine being without him. Well, now that it's out maybe I can put it to rest. Not worry over it and let it fester, consume me (like I usually do with stuff that bothers me). And hopefully I can support J without getting so emotionally caught up in it.