My bipolar disorder has been being an asshole lately. A big one. After 80 or so days of stability my depression is creeping in, both subtly and not so subtly.
The past week and a half I've had no motivation to workout. Seems trivial, right? But with how gung ho I've been in the gym and on the spin bike the previous 3 weeks before that . . . well, it's noticeable.
Then there's the matter of sleep. I've been going to bed early every night because I just don't want to be awake anymore. And when I wake up, I don't want to get up. It takes everything in me to get out of bed. And when I do, all I want to do is go back to bed. I'm having a hard time falling and staying asleep as my mind is just racing. And the past week and a half there hasn't been a day I haven't wanted a nap (and as long as I wasn't at work I've been taking them).
And then how about actually feeling depressed. This past Friday (3 days ago) and yesterday I actually felt depressed. Yesterday it took everything I had not to completely lose my shit and break down (I partially lost my shit and cried a little but roped it in). Today I'm feeling down and I have no motivation for anything. I just want to curl up in a ball and not exist.
I don't want to feel this way. Why do I have to feel this way?
I'm trying my best to take things one day at a time and not catastrophize it. But that's hard to do . I'll keep trying though, because what else can I do?
Monday, January 29, 2018
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
1/23/18
Things have been weird lately. All around strange and I don't really know what to make of it. See, I've been stable now for 78 days. Can you believe that?? Seventy eight days with no depression or mania. My mood has been even. Normal. I've been normal.
And I don't know what to do with myself.
No really. I don't really know how to be normal anymore. I've been depressed or rapid cycling for so long that normalcy is foreign to me. Yes, even though it's almost been 3 full months.
I feel lost. I feel awkward. I feel like I'm learning how to interact with people all over again. And this is difficult because I'm still withdrawn. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to put myself out there, chat with coworkers, ask questions, actively listen . . . but I still find myself being withdrawn, stumbling over my words, and feeling like a buffoon.
Large gatherings of people (more than, say, 4-5) make me uncomfortable and make me withdraw more. I feel like curling up in a ball and disappearing. It's hard for me to open up and interact in situations like this.
New situations confuse, frighten, and overwhelm me. I have the opportunity to go to a conference for free - I just have to volunteer some of my time. The thought of volunteering terrifies me. So much so that I'm not going.
I feel that through the course of my illness I've fundamentally changed. I'm not who I used to be. And I hate that.
And even though I'm stable there are still some, I don't know what to call them, bad things happening? I still hallucinate every day. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, but always every day. I'm still having suicidal thoughts most days that I have to fight and counter. I still want to cut and I have.
But who knows. Maybe this is just how I am now when I'm stable. A withdrawn, frightened, overwhelmed girl who hallucinates, cuts, and contemplates her own death.
I'll be honest, I'm not sure this is who I want to be. But I'm not really sure how to change. it.
And I don't know what to do with myself.
No really. I don't really know how to be normal anymore. I've been depressed or rapid cycling for so long that normalcy is foreign to me. Yes, even though it's almost been 3 full months.
I feel lost. I feel awkward. I feel like I'm learning how to interact with people all over again. And this is difficult because I'm still withdrawn. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to put myself out there, chat with coworkers, ask questions, actively listen . . . but I still find myself being withdrawn, stumbling over my words, and feeling like a buffoon.
Large gatherings of people (more than, say, 4-5) make me uncomfortable and make me withdraw more. I feel like curling up in a ball and disappearing. It's hard for me to open up and interact in situations like this.
New situations confuse, frighten, and overwhelm me. I have the opportunity to go to a conference for free - I just have to volunteer some of my time. The thought of volunteering terrifies me. So much so that I'm not going.
I feel that through the course of my illness I've fundamentally changed. I'm not who I used to be. And I hate that.
And even though I'm stable there are still some, I don't know what to call them, bad things happening? I still hallucinate every day. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, but always every day. I'm still having suicidal thoughts most days that I have to fight and counter. I still want to cut and I have.
But who knows. Maybe this is just how I am now when I'm stable. A withdrawn, frightened, overwhelmed girl who hallucinates, cuts, and contemplates her own death.
I'll be honest, I'm not sure this is who I want to be. But I'm not really sure how to change. it.
Friday, January 19, 2018
1/19/18
I'm feeling really weird. Off, not myself. I'm not sure I can even describe it. . . I feel distant, disconnected, like I'm not really here. Does that even make sense? I can be in a room of coworkers and I feel as though I'm in the background, being ignored. Like everything I'm doing is fake, like everything is a facade. I'm not the real me. I don't feel depressed, that's not it. I don't know what this is. But I certainly don't like it.
I'm forgetting things. Little things that I should be doing. At work. Like calling the pediatrician for a HIR bili. Or charting that I emptied a catheter. Maybe just because I had ECT this week. Maybe it will get better again. I don't like this. At. All.
I'm forgetting things. Little things that I should be doing. At work. Like calling the pediatrician for a HIR bili. Or charting that I emptied a catheter. Maybe just because I had ECT this week. Maybe it will get better again. I don't like this. At. All.
Wednesday, January 10, 2018
1/10/18
Well, I just talked to my mom on the phone and it's like the whole Christmas fiasco never happened. Not that I'm surprised by this. My whole life it's always been cover it up, ignore it, nothing to see here . . .
It was 11:30am and it sounds like she had been drinking. Repeating herself over and over . . . yeah. She had been drinking. And for her wanting to know how I'm doing she sure as hell couldn't shut up about herself. On and on about herself, the same thing over and over. It's frustrating. I have shit I could talk about. Like the coloring book Jeremy and I made that we published ourselves. Like interesting stories about work. Like how I'm really doing. Like how Ayden and Jeremy are doing.
But no. She'd rather talk about herself.
I'm never going to change this. I shouldn't let it bother me but it has completely ruined my focus for the day. I'm trying to get it back.
Deep breaths, in and out.
.
.
.
.
So annoying.
It was 11:30am and it sounds like she had been drinking. Repeating herself over and over . . . yeah. She had been drinking. And for her wanting to know how I'm doing she sure as hell couldn't shut up about herself. On and on about herself, the same thing over and over. It's frustrating. I have shit I could talk about. Like the coloring book Jeremy and I made that we published ourselves. Like interesting stories about work. Like how I'm really doing. Like how Ayden and Jeremy are doing.
But no. She'd rather talk about herself.
I'm never going to change this. I shouldn't let it bother me but it has completely ruined my focus for the day. I'm trying to get it back.
Deep breaths, in and out.
.
.
.
.
So annoying.
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