Monday 7/31/23 Oy Vey

 I slept like crap last night. I think I was awake more than I was asleep. And it shows. I'm super fucking cranky today and have no motivation for anything. I managed to work out and shower. Go me. I have my mammogram at 12:45 so of course I don't want to do anything until I have to leave. I have time to do stuff - I just don't want to. I have enough time to do a painting or draw or clean something . . . but instead I'm sitting here on the couch bitching. I hate feeling this way.

Last week I saw the functional medicine practitioner and had a metric fuck-ton of bloodwork drawn. Like, it was a LOT of blood drawn. When they get the results (which can take 5-10 days), he'll contact me to set up an appointment to go over it all. I'm really hoping my blood work corroborates what I'm feeling. That I get answers and solutions. For now it's a waiting game. Which, today, annoys me. 

What also annoys me, since today seems to be a bitch fest, is my bladder. Well, my whole body, really. My body doesn't seem to want to utilize the water I give it for cellular functioning. No. Instead I almost immediately pee out everything I put in. I've had a bottle and a half of water this morning and I've peed 7 times. Seven times in the last 2 hours, mind you. And I have to go again. WTF body?? You need that water!! You're telling me I'm horribly thirsty but when I drink anything, out it comes! Seriously. What the hell. And this happens all the time. Every day. To the point where I don't want to drink anything because I'm sick of how often I have to pee. Makes me worry that I'm developing diabetes or kidney disease. Because frequent urination is a symptom of both.

In other news, my mood has been sinking a little. The past 2 weeks I've been down more than not. And, yes, that annoys me. What I should do is have a ketamine infusion before I get worse. But I don't want to do that. Why? The cost. I just spent nearly $500 for my bloodwork, I don't want to spend another $300 on myself for the infusion. Which my therapist thinks is stupid. That I should schedule an infusion every 2 months or so to keep me in tip top shape. Which, yes, preventative measures make sense, but I feel selfish and like a failure if I do this. Plus the financial burden. Yes, we can afford it. But I don't want to have to have it. Maybe it's stubborn pride. I don't know. It's just that we've spent so much money on my mental health and I hate that. I feel guilty because of it. Which, in turn, makes me feel shittier. If this was for Jeremy or Ayden I'd spend the money in a heart beat. But when it comes to myself . . . I can't bring myself to do it. Like I don't deserve it. 

Anyway. I guess that's enough bitching. Here. Here's a little snow fox I painted:

I like how it turned out. And that's good, especially with how I feel today.

Monday 7/24/23 Well, it's a Monday

 It's Monday. How . . . wonderful. I've been super cranky today for no real reason. I woke up this way. Cranky with no motivation. I forced myself to workout, go me. I have 4 drawings that I'm working on that need to be painted . . . that didn't get done today. Nope. I worked out, went to the store, listened to a podcast, had lunch, took a nap. And now I'm here, writing a bunch of BS while drinking matcha. Oy. 

I have a "consultation" on Wednesday. Basically a doctor's visit. Because I have almost every hypothyroid symptom one can have but my actual doctor keeps brushing me off because my thyroid levels are in the "normal" range. So I'm seeing a functional medicine doc to go over my history and symptoms and get their opinion. I'm tired of being cold. I'm tired of losing so much hair. I'm tired of dry skin and not being to lose weight no matter how little or how much I eat. I'm tired of feeling like I need a nap to get through the day (or tons of caffeine). So yeah. I have a consult on Wednesday. We'll se how that goes. It's an hour long and I have a ton of paperwork to fill out. But maybe they'll have answers for me. 

In other news, my mood has been slightly better overall? Maybe? On my days off I'm okay. Friday at work I was surprisingly okay (which was good because I had a VERY difficult patient who required tons of attention and "love"). Yesterday I was less okay, but not bad. I work tomorrow and I'm not really looking forward to it. Makes me realize I'm truly burnt out. I don't really enjoy my job most days and that sucks. 

Wow. I don't really have more I want to write. Mainly because I'm in such a negative headspace right now. So instead I'll share some paintings from my Growth series. 

 First up is Red Fox. With an aspen tree -  2 of my favorite things.

Next we have Fawn.

And last, Mountain Bluebird. 

These are the first 3 paintings in the series. I have 2 more sketched out (that I should have painted today, but didn't). I'm not really sure where I'm going with this series but I have a tiny bit of inspiration so I'm running with it. 

Thursday 7/13/23 A Little Bit Off

 I'm a little bit off today. I woke up at 5:30am wide awake. But it was 5:30 and I didn't want to be up yet, so I went back to sleep. Kind of. Then I woke up at 6:30 and was terribly groggy. So groggy that I didn't get out of bed until 7:15. And I just can't today. I'm not feeling it. It's safe to say that I'm feeling down. More than just blah, which is how I have been feeling the past few days. I couldn't get myself to workout or do anything really. I had part of a protein shake, a little bit of coffee, and then I laid down again, stared at the ceiling. Forced myself to get up and shower.

There are several reasons for feeling this way, I think. Let's start with my weight. I've been trying to lose weight, for quite some time now. Been doing Noom for about 5 months. And I've been stuck. Not losing anything for the whole time. Until getting back from Japan. I started losing. I lost about 7 pounds. Go me! No, not so much. I've gained back 5 of those pounds. Without eating more. My weight just creeps up. I lose a pound, gain it back the next day. I can't seem to just steadily lose weight and it's fucking frustrating. I don't know what to do. I have body image issues - always have - and this is making it worse. Making me feel like a failure. A big, fat failure. I'm trying not to think like this, I know it doesn't help, but after gaining weight again for the 4th day in a row . . . well, it's hard not to. 

Next, let's talk about work. Ahhhhh, work. I don't want to go. At all. Like, desperately don't want to go. I don't exactly know why. I'm not enjoying my job anymore. I'm burnt out. And so much is changing there, not for the better. We have all new upper management and the only thing they're concerned with is making money. There have been cutbacks and layoffs - when we're already often short staffed. But what do they care? The CEOs and CNOs need to get their hefty paychecks and bonuses. Screw the floor staff. We have to do more with less and it's just getting stupid. And our manager quit. She was awesome. She fought for us. And now she's gone. The 3 people that applied for it . . . well, none of them are that good. I'm worried what this means for our unit. And I can't leave - I'm stuck until at least December because I signed a 2 year contract for a bonus. And even if I could leave, where would I go? Other units have it worse than us. And going to a new facility means I'd probably have to work night shift which I physically and mentally can't do. So I really AM stuck. I dread going in. What kind of a shit show is it going to be today? I'm having a hard time connecting with patients because I so desperately don't want to be there. Which makes me even more miserable. The whole situation just sucks.

Lastly, let's talk about faith. I've been struggling in my faith. When I was baptized (what was that, 3 years ago?) I was excited. I felt like I knew what this faith thing was all about. It was comforting to me. But as time has gone on, not so much. It's like I can't quite put a finger on what I actually believe. The Catholic faith seems so suffocating now, and I never even considered myself a true Catholic. I'm more a a cafeteria Catholic - take what I like and leave the rest. But now I'm struggling with even that. Going to mass is a chore - one I don't want to do. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it. My prayer life is sporadic at best. I pray - I do - but it feels so forced and false. I don't know how to pray. My prayers are images in my mind more than anything else. Which doesn't feel right. I don't know how to describe it. I haven't told anyone about this. Because I feel bad. I feel like a fake and a failure because my faith is wavering. I know Jeremy would tell me to try harder, read the bible more, pray more . . . the problem is I don't want to. And that makes me feel terrible. I know faith is important to Jeremy. Mass is important to him. Prayer is important to him. I feel like I'm letting him down. And that's a shitty feeling. 

All of this came to a head today and I'm not dealing with it all that well. I've felt like crying all day. The tears don't come but they're right there. I managed to draw a little today. I designed my next tattoo (or what I would really like to be my next tattoo). A kitsune. 

This is the only thing that has made me feel somewhat okay today. Drawing this. I want it on my left thigh. I just have to convince Jeremy to let me get it. We'll see. I love foxes and kitsune commemorate our trip to Japan. 

So yeah. All this crap. I have therapy today at 4. We're supposed to be focusing on my body image issues but I have this other stuff too. I don't know. I guess we'll see how it goes. 

Thursday 7/6/23 No, still no Japan pics

 It's been almost a month since my last post and I still haven't loaded any pics from Japan on my computer. I will at some point - I promise. 

Nothing much is going on. I think I'm coming out of my art block. I ordered myself some watercolor sketchbooks and I've been putting them to good use. Just sketching silly or cute things. Nothing "serious". Just having fun and it's helped. I'm feeling the creative itch again. I have ideas for paintings I want to do, so that's good. I even have 2 paintings sketched out. Go me!

Otherwise, there isn't much going on. Work is work. I was sick last week. My mood has been stable. That's about it. Maybe I'll have something more interesting soon. Like when I upload Japan pics. Or some of my sketches. Right now I'm boring. Sorry. I'm also cranky today, so there's that. 

Okay bye.