Thursday 2/22/24

It's been a bit since I last wrote. At least it feels that way. 

Anyway, I'm happy to say that I've been working out consistently for the past 2-3 weeks. Go me! It feels so good! And I'm back to doing yoga which I really, truly LOVE. I'm not the best at it, not terribly graceful, but that's okay. I'll get there in time with practice. It just feels so good to move my body. I do yoga with Adriene (she's on youtube) and am also using the Asana Rebel app. The Asana Rebel app kicks my ass, in the best way possible. I know it's making me stronger. 

I'm also really itching to get a new tattoo. I have ideas for 2 tats I want, that can probably be done in the same session (they are smol). I just need to convince hubby that I need them. Wish me luck there :D

I "applied" to be a charge nurse at work again. I did it many years ago and then stepped down because of my mental health. I've been doing so much better for a while now so I think it's time to do it again. We'll see. I have to actually interview for it and I haven't done an interview since I started working at the birth center 16 years ago. So that's nerve wracking. Everyone is telling me I'll do fine. I'm not so sure. I should find out next week when the interview is. Wish me luck on that as well. 

Wednesday 11/23/22 Tomorrow is Thanksgiving

 Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and that's pretty crazy. November has gone by so quickly. Soon it will be Christmas and not too long after that - Japan (well, 5 months after, still that's not too long). 

We're not doing much for Thanksgiving, going to my mother-in-law's house. Brother-in-law will be there too (of course he will be - they live together). We're bringing green beans and dessert - a pumpkin cheesecake (don't go thinking I'm all fancy baking and whatnot - we got it at Costco). A very low key evening. 

What am I not doing this Thanksgiving? Seeing my mom. For which I am grateful. I don't want to. I don't feel like being angry and annoyed and embarrassed all day. Who would? Sadly, we're apparently seeing her the week after (bummer). She wants to get together and go out for dinner with my brother and his wife. As of yet we haven't decided on a day. Maybe she'll forget about it and we won't have to see her (fingers crossed). I know. I know that's a horrible thing to think. I'm well aware of that and it fills me with guilt. But every time we get together she's drunk (doesn't matter what time of day it is) and I feel like the little girl I used to be - angry, ashamed, abandoned, embarrassed. I hate it. I hate it. Which is why I don't even want to talk to my mom, let alone see her. 

But I digress. 

I weighed myself this morning and I lost almost 2 pounds this week. I've worked out every day so far and I'm having tea at night instead of dessert. Go me! I started doing yoga on Monday. I downloaded an app that customized a beginner's yoga program for me. I'm enjoying it so far. Each session is around 15-20 minutes long. I'm going to try my best to get up early on the days I work and do it too. We'll see how that works out (because I like my sleep). 

I've seen the chiropractor twice in the past week for some lower back pain. The pain has been going on for about 5 weeks - right over my right kidney. At first I truly thought that maybe I had kidney stones, except I don't have burning or blood tinged urine. So I've been stretching, icing, chiropractor . . . it still hurts. Finally decided to call the doctor and the earliest I can get in is December 14th. Which, let's be honest, is dumb. They told me if I get any other symptoms to go to an urgent care. Hopefully I won't need to do that. 

Not this weekend, but next weekend is my first craft fair. I'm excited/nervous about it. Kind of dreading it almost. What if I don't sell anything? That'll be a hit to my ego. And it will be a loooooong weekend. I work Friday and Monday, craft fair Saturday and Sunday. No down time (the fair is from 9-4). I'll have to go get everything set up after work on Friday night. Ugh. Not looking forward to that. Oh well, it'll be an experience. 

That's about it, I guess. Everything that's going on. So much fun.

Tuesday 1/4/22 Stuff and Things

 It's my first post of the new year! Isn't that exciting?? No, not really. 

I don't know what I want to start with. How about therapy I guess. I had therapy last Thursday, and everything was going fine until M started talking about my complacency. My dislike and avoidance of conflict. My people pleasing. My "putting my needs on the back burner to appease others and be liked". How I sacrifice myself at the cost of myself. All these things, that I apparently didn't want to talk about because I tried to deflect M's probing and discuss something else. He wouldn't let me. So we discussed. And of course these personality traits can be linked back to me growing up with an alcoholic parent. I give in. I'm a pushover. I try to keep the peace at all costs. When M pointed this out it was like I had been gut punched. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Because all of it is true. I don't know how to set - and then keep - boundaries. So we went over some strategies for me to work on. Like simply saying "no". It's something I have to practice. Something I have to work on. And work on I will. 

M also wanted me to paint more colorful artwork. No dark and dreary stuff. But when I'm depressed, dark and dreary is what I do. He doesn't want me to get stuck in a rut and perpetuate the depression. And I understand and can appreciate that. So I did a painting today - my first of the new year. It's titled "Follow Me", 5in X 7in, watercolor and ink.

So yeah. It's not very colorful. And one may argue that it's dark and dreary. But it's not! I swear! It's a hopeful piece! The dove represents the Holy Spirit, beckoning me to follow. And it has sparrows - a symbol of hope for me. So it's actually not dark and dreary, even though it's not colorful. I'll, of course, show it to M (along with any other artwork I do) the next time I see him. 

Work has been stupidly busy still. I don't know where all these pregnant ladies are coming from. It's ridiculous though. I'm still struggling at work with my mood. Mostly I'm withdrawn and flat. Yesterday I was super cranky though. Woke up cranky, got to work and was even more cranky (because it was a shit show when I got there), stayed cranky throughout the day. On top of being withdrawn and flat. It wasn't that fun. 

I've still been consistent with working out. I'm on my spin bike every day I'm off and have been getting to the gym to lift as well. I'm trying to get my butt up early enough to get on the spin bike before work, but as of yet I have not. My bed is just too comfy and warm. Hopefully I'll get there though. 

I'm still not eating much. Mostly protein shakes and then dinner. I still have no appetite, nothing really sounds good to eat, and I don't feel like eating. I get physically hungry - don't get me wrong - but I just don't feel like eating. And then after a while the hunger pangs go away. So I forget about it. This isn't the best thing to be doing, but right now I can't help it. 

That's all I have for today. I think I'm going to take a nice nap. Naps are good.   

Monday 11/29/21 It's Almost December

 It's crazy but true - it's almost December. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving last week. Mine was . . . it was okay, I guess. We went up to hubby's aunt's house in Denver. There were lots of people and lots of good food. It's just that I was overwhelmed and depressed so . . . yeah. 

Feeling down seems to be the new norm for me. I'm hoping to change this, go back to feeling good, feeling like myself. I have a theory that I'm testing out: about a month and a half ago I started taking a new supplement called Female Factor. It's supposed to help with perimenopause and menopause symptoms. And I've been feeling down for about a month. I started wondering if maybe something in this supplement is causing it. I've had reactions to supplements before. So I've stopped taking it. Today is my third day without it. I haven't noticed anything so far. What a wonderful and simple fix it would be if the supplement were the problem! I'm giving it time, so we'll see.

I see my psychiatrist on Thursday this week. I'll have to give him the bad news of how I've been feeling. And I'm going to talk to him about going up on my Wellbutrin. Back up to 300mg. I don't want to have to, but if the supplement thing isn't the problem then I'll probably need to increase my dose, see if that helps. It's about the only thing we can do. There really isn't anything else out there for me to try. I've literally done it all. Well, I guess that's not true - I haven't tried ketamine. That's the only thing I haven't tried. And I really don't want to. 

Otherwise, I'm doing everything I can to overcome this. I've been going over my notes from the mental and emotional mastery course I did, I've been reading articles and watching videos from the Depression Project (which is a series of online "classes" designed to help you overcome depression). I'm doing a daily journal that is designed to help you think more positively. I'm doing everything in my power to beat this. To not let it get me down. Like this morning - instead of laying back down in bed (which is what I really wanted to do), I changed and got on the spin bike. I plan on going to the gym this afternoon. I'm doing everything I know how to do. Which is why feeling down right now is so frustrating. I'm fighting it tooth and nail and I'm still not feeling right. I'm at a loss. I don't know what else to do. 

In other news, we haven't put up our Christmas tree yet. I'll be honest - I don't really want to. We have to put it up downstairs as there's not enough room for it upstairs. So it's not like we'll enjoy it that much. I'd rather get a small tree (like 2-3 ft tall) and put it on the coffee table. But then, of course, it would block the TV probably. So that doesn't really work either. Maybe on the side table by the railing . . . we could move some stuff around and put it there. I just think that if we're going to put a tree up it should be in a location where we can enjoy it. 

Anyway, I'll stop rambling on for now. 

Tuesday 7/20/21 Been a Minute

 It's been a couple weeks since I last wrote. No real reason really, just nothing much to say I guess. 

I'm so burnt out at work. It's been so busy and I've been working my call shifts in addition to my regular shifts. I need a break. A real break. I'm taking ten days off the end of August (for getting my tooth pulled) and it can't come fast enough. I'm at the point where I practically dread going into work. I work the next two days and I wish I didn't. I'm so tired of work. I'm so burnt out. And I don't know what to do about it. I know everybody gets this way about their job from time to time . . . it's just that I've felt this way for the past several months with no end in sight. I'm crankier. I don't connect as much with my patients. And I'm losing patience. I'm just so tired. It's hard to find the joy in what I do right now. Maybe if it wasn't so damn busy all the time. Maybe if we weren't short staffed every single day. Maybe if I could just take a break. I don't know. But I'm sick of feeling this way. 

In my last post I believe I talked about joining Warrior Babe Blueprint - a nutrition and fitness program. I've watched quite a few of the modules now and I'm counting my macros. I'm working out consistently. And I lost four pounds this past week. It's pretty awesome. I'm on my way to a new, healthier, sustainable lifestyle. And I'm thankful for that. I've learned a lot through the modules and I'm now applying it to my life. I'm going to crush my weight loss goals!

This Friday I'm getting my next tattoo - a chickadee on a pine tree branch. It's weird, but I haven't gotten really excited about it. I think because I'm thinking that something is going to happen so that I can't get it. Which would suck. Because I really want this tattoo. I'm sure Friday morning I'll be excited. 

Also, the past couple of weeks I've been having more twangs of anxiety. They don't last long, but they're there. And it's annoying. I'm feeling anxious right now in fact. Which is super dumb because I'm just sitting on the couch typing this. Nothing else is going on. I mean, WTF brain?? What's up with this??

This post wouldn't be complete without me writing something about my grandpa. See, my grandpa has been deteriorating rapidly the past week or so. He has congestive heart failure and 3rd stage kidney failure. And, I guess, dementia. He has been acting erratically and was even sent to a psych hospital for suicidal and homicidal ideation. He punched a nurse there. They sent him back to the medical hospital because of his declining health. He remains there. My mom and her hubby are driving out to see him and help my grandma move into an assisted living facility. I don't know what's going to come of all of this. My grandpa is in bad shape and it would probably be best for him to pass. I hate to say that, but it's true. I know this has added stress to my life, even though I'm not particularly close to him. He's still family and this is rough. 

So I'm burnt out, with added family stress and anxiety resurfacing. No wonder I'm feeling like crap. I'm trying to prioritize self care, with naps and working out high up there on the list. 

I guess that's it for today.