It's my first post of the new year! Isn't that exciting?? No, not really.
I don't know what I want to start with. How about therapy I guess. I had therapy last Thursday, and everything was going fine until M started talking about my complacency. My dislike and avoidance of conflict. My people pleasing. My "putting my needs on the back burner to appease others and be liked". How I sacrifice myself at the cost of myself. All these things, that I apparently didn't want to talk about because I tried to deflect M's probing and discuss something else. He wouldn't let me. So we discussed. And of course these personality traits can be linked back to me growing up with an alcoholic parent. I give in. I'm a pushover. I try to keep the peace at all costs. When M pointed this out it was like I had been gut punched. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Because all of it is true. I don't know how to set - and then keep - boundaries. So we went over some strategies for me to work on. Like simply saying "no". It's something I have to practice. Something I have to work on. And work on I will.
M also wanted me to paint more colorful artwork. No dark and dreary stuff. But when I'm depressed, dark and dreary is what I do. He doesn't want me to get stuck in a rut and perpetuate the depression. And I understand and can appreciate that. So I did a painting today - my first of the new year. It's titled "Follow Me", 5in X 7in, watercolor and ink.
So yeah. It's not very colorful. And one may argue that it's dark and dreary. But it's not! I swear! It's a hopeful piece! The dove represents the Holy Spirit, beckoning me to follow. And it has sparrows - a symbol of hope for me. So it's actually not dark and dreary, even though it's not colorful. I'll, of course, show it to M (along with any other artwork I do) the next time I see him.
Work has been stupidly busy still. I don't know where all these pregnant ladies are coming from. It's ridiculous though. I'm still struggling at work with my mood. Mostly I'm withdrawn and flat. Yesterday I was super cranky though. Woke up cranky, got to work and was even more cranky (because it was a shit show when I got there), stayed cranky throughout the day. On top of being withdrawn and flat. It wasn't that fun.
I've still been consistent with working out. I'm on my spin bike every day I'm off and have been getting to the gym to lift as well. I'm trying to get my butt up early enough to get on the spin bike before work, but as of yet I have not. My bed is just too comfy and warm. Hopefully I'll get there though.
I'm still not eating much. Mostly protein shakes and then dinner. I still have no appetite, nothing really sounds good to eat, and I don't feel like eating. I get physically hungry - don't get me wrong - but I just don't feel like eating. And then after a while the hunger pangs go away. So I forget about it. This isn't the best thing to be doing, but right now I can't help it.
That's all I have for today. I think I'm going to take a nice nap. Naps are good.
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