It's morning. I'm drinking my coffee and wondering what the heck I should write about. How I'm doing - of course - that's a given. But what else? There's nothing exciting going on in my life. Rather, I'm just floating along, trying desperately to keep my head above the turbulent waters.
The days that I work are becoming more and more difficult. I'm having a really hard time interacting and keeping up the façade that everything is okay. It's been stupidly busy and I manage to work all my shifts and not get called off (I'd like to get called off here and there). I thought about calling in sick this upcoming Friday but it's New Year's Eve and I would feel like an asshole doing that. If it was a regular Friday I would. I hate being at work and feeling so awful. I want to be alone, I don't want to interact. But then people start asking questions as to why I'm so quiet. Not everyone needs to know I'm depressed.
I'm feeling more and more empty. More and more flat and withdrawn and down and distant. More and more like a hollow shell of who I'm supposed to be. I hate it. I don't want to be back to this but here we are. The only upside to this is that I still don't have an appetite so I'm losing weight. And I've been able to work out consistently. But I'd much rather feel like myself and not be depressed.
Early Monday morning, like, 0400, I had a hallucination. The first hallucination I've had in years. I was wide awake in bed and rolled over as I was going to get up to use the bathroom. There was a dark figure standing next to me with its arm outstretched over me. It startled me, to say the least. It dissipated, which is when I realized that I was hallucinating. Hubby thought that maybe I was dreaming, but no, I was quite awake when it happened. And it wasn't a shadow - it was solid. So yeah. A hallucination after several years of being free from them. I haven't had one since, for which I am grateful. Hopefully I won't have any more.
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