Thursday 11/23/23 Thanksgiving

 This will probably be a short post as we are leaving soon for Denver for thanksgiving festivities. But it's been a while since I last wrote. And, well, school has started and it's been rough. School officially started this past Monday, the 20th. So yeah. I'm 4 days into school and I am freaking out. This is HARD y'all. Like, really hard. It's been over 17 years since I've been in school and I have no idea what I'm doing. I've never done online schooling before. This is all new to me. 

This first week I had 9 chapters to read in my Advanced Pathophysiology book (which is HUGE and weighs literally 10 pounds). Nine chapters. Each chapter has taken me 2 hours to read. I also had to make a discussion post (took me 3 hours to write a paragraph because my brain won't brain properly), respond to 2 other people's posts, and write a paper. All in week one. WTF. I am anxious, overwhelmed, and not happy. I've been close to tears every day this week. I'm frustrated with my stupid brain for not comprehending things and not responding how it used to. 

When I was in nursing school I could jam out papers in no time and had no issues remembering the material. But now . . . now I can't do that. If i were to take a test on those first 9 chapters I would fail it. My brain isn't processing or retaining the information. I can write my blog no problem - but writing a paper is proving nearly impossible. Everything is getting jumbled in my head and I can't seem to write anything that makes sense and is academic and professional. I know this is in large part due to 1. having bipolar disorder, and 2. having done 3 years of ECT. The ECT trashed my memory, both long and short term. I struggle with how to get around my city (that I've lived in since preschool) without GPS. It's pathetic. I used to have no trouble with that before ECT. That's just one example of my brain not braining. And it's becoming more evident now that I'm in school. Which frustrates and saddens me. 

I'm trying to stay positive and not get down on myself. I'm trying not to let my self limiting beliefs get in my way. I'm trying. But it's hard, so hard. A large part of me wants to throw in the towel right now, in week one. Part of me - a small part - wants to keep trying. I guess to make sure I'm truly giving it my all before I quit. It's just that I'm not sure I can handle 3 years of this. Of struggling, of feeling anxious and overwhelmed, of feeling unhappy. It's a lot. But I'm trying. 

I looked ahead to next week. I don't have a paper to write, per se, but I have two discussion questions that will each likely be 2-3 pages long. And the topics? Well, they're over my head. I don't have any idea how to answer them. I also have 6 chapters to read. It's nonstop. ALL of my free time is dedicated to school now and that kind of sucks. Royally sucks. 

Anyway, happy thanksgiving. I'll try to figure out school as best I can. We'll see what my first grades are (I'm nervous).  

Wednesday 11/23/22 Tomorrow is Thanksgiving

 Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and that's pretty crazy. November has gone by so quickly. Soon it will be Christmas and not too long after that - Japan (well, 5 months after, still that's not too long). 

We're not doing much for Thanksgiving, going to my mother-in-law's house. Brother-in-law will be there too (of course he will be - they live together). We're bringing green beans and dessert - a pumpkin cheesecake (don't go thinking I'm all fancy baking and whatnot - we got it at Costco). A very low key evening. 

What am I not doing this Thanksgiving? Seeing my mom. For which I am grateful. I don't want to. I don't feel like being angry and annoyed and embarrassed all day. Who would? Sadly, we're apparently seeing her the week after (bummer). She wants to get together and go out for dinner with my brother and his wife. As of yet we haven't decided on a day. Maybe she'll forget about it and we won't have to see her (fingers crossed). I know. I know that's a horrible thing to think. I'm well aware of that and it fills me with guilt. But every time we get together she's drunk (doesn't matter what time of day it is) and I feel like the little girl I used to be - angry, ashamed, abandoned, embarrassed. I hate it. I hate it. Which is why I don't even want to talk to my mom, let alone see her. 

But I digress. 

I weighed myself this morning and I lost almost 2 pounds this week. I've worked out every day so far and I'm having tea at night instead of dessert. Go me! I started doing yoga on Monday. I downloaded an app that customized a beginner's yoga program for me. I'm enjoying it so far. Each session is around 15-20 minutes long. I'm going to try my best to get up early on the days I work and do it too. We'll see how that works out (because I like my sleep). 

I've seen the chiropractor twice in the past week for some lower back pain. The pain has been going on for about 5 weeks - right over my right kidney. At first I truly thought that maybe I had kidney stones, except I don't have burning or blood tinged urine. So I've been stretching, icing, chiropractor . . . it still hurts. Finally decided to call the doctor and the earliest I can get in is December 14th. Which, let's be honest, is dumb. They told me if I get any other symptoms to go to an urgent care. Hopefully I won't need to do that. 

Not this weekend, but next weekend is my first craft fair. I'm excited/nervous about it. Kind of dreading it almost. What if I don't sell anything? That'll be a hit to my ego. And it will be a loooooong weekend. I work Friday and Monday, craft fair Saturday and Sunday. No down time (the fair is from 9-4). I'll have to go get everything set up after work on Friday night. Ugh. Not looking forward to that. Oh well, it'll be an experience. 

That's about it, I guess. Everything that's going on. So much fun.

Monday 11/29/21 It's Almost December

 It's crazy but true - it's almost December. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving last week. Mine was . . . it was okay, I guess. We went up to hubby's aunt's house in Denver. There were lots of people and lots of good food. It's just that I was overwhelmed and depressed so . . . yeah. 

Feeling down seems to be the new norm for me. I'm hoping to change this, go back to feeling good, feeling like myself. I have a theory that I'm testing out: about a month and a half ago I started taking a new supplement called Female Factor. It's supposed to help with perimenopause and menopause symptoms. And I've been feeling down for about a month. I started wondering if maybe something in this supplement is causing it. I've had reactions to supplements before. So I've stopped taking it. Today is my third day without it. I haven't noticed anything so far. What a wonderful and simple fix it would be if the supplement were the problem! I'm giving it time, so we'll see.

I see my psychiatrist on Thursday this week. I'll have to give him the bad news of how I've been feeling. And I'm going to talk to him about going up on my Wellbutrin. Back up to 300mg. I don't want to have to, but if the supplement thing isn't the problem then I'll probably need to increase my dose, see if that helps. It's about the only thing we can do. There really isn't anything else out there for me to try. I've literally done it all. Well, I guess that's not true - I haven't tried ketamine. That's the only thing I haven't tried. And I really don't want to. 

Otherwise, I'm doing everything I can to overcome this. I've been going over my notes from the mental and emotional mastery course I did, I've been reading articles and watching videos from the Depression Project (which is a series of online "classes" designed to help you overcome depression). I'm doing a daily journal that is designed to help you think more positively. I'm doing everything in my power to beat this. To not let it get me down. Like this morning - instead of laying back down in bed (which is what I really wanted to do), I changed and got on the spin bike. I plan on going to the gym this afternoon. I'm doing everything I know how to do. Which is why feeling down right now is so frustrating. I'm fighting it tooth and nail and I'm still not feeling right. I'm at a loss. I don't know what else to do. 

In other news, we haven't put up our Christmas tree yet. I'll be honest - I don't really want to. We have to put it up downstairs as there's not enough room for it upstairs. So it's not like we'll enjoy it that much. I'd rather get a small tree (like 2-3 ft tall) and put it on the coffee table. But then, of course, it would block the TV probably. So that doesn't really work either. Maybe on the side table by the railing . . . we could move some stuff around and put it there. I just think that if we're going to put a tree up it should be in a location where we can enjoy it. 

Anyway, I'll stop rambling on for now. 

Monday 11/22/21 Loss

 So my grandpa died this past Saturday and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. That's a weird statement, isn't it? I don't know how I feel about it? But it's true. I'm kind of just numb. And, if I'm honest, I've been trying not to think about it. I've been ignoring it. Which may also be weird. I don't know. 

My grandpa was a cantankerous old fart and a bit of a jerk at times. Like, a big jerk. He was controlling over my grandma and mom, the first to point out flaws (whether they were real or imagined), and often put people down on the regular. He was, however, a generous man, loved me and his great grandson (my son), was always proud of me and pushed me to do my best. Even though he could seem cold on the exterior, he loved deeply. 

I haven't cried. I don't know if I will. Which, in my current mental and emotional state, is a bit strange. Part of me is relieved at his passing - he was very ill and had no quality of life. Part of me is sad, as I know I will miss him. And part of me is almost indifferent (maybe this is the part of me that saw how he often treated people, I don't know). Or maybe I'm indifferent because it doesn't seem real yet. Like if I call he's still going to answer the phone. 

There probably won't be a funeral - he donated his body to science. I don't know if my grandma wants to have a service of any kind. So as of now there's no real closure. He's just . . . gone. My grandma really needs to go into assisted living, but she doesn't want to. She says she loves her house and wants to die there. She's 94 and in pretty good health so she may have several years left. But she doesn't know how to do things herself - my grandpa took care of everything. Assisted living would be the safest, most practical approach. We'll see I guess. Ultimately it's her choice. 

I was supposed to be on call today, but I called work last night and had them take me off. I don't quite feel up to being around people and functioning. I was supposed to go to a birthday party Saturday night, but I didn't go for the same reason I'm no longer on call today. I work Wednesday, Friday and Saturday this week, and I'll be there, hopefully in better spirits. I just couldn't risk being there today. 

So anyway, that's my news today. Thursday is Thanksgiving which is just crazy. Time is going by so quickly. We'll be going to hubby's aunt's house in Denver to celebrate. I hope you all have a good holiday.

Saturday 11/28/20

 Sooooo . . . here we are again. Meeting on my blog. That I think only my hubby reads. Which is okay. I'm writing for myself - not for the masses. 

This past week has been, in all honesty, pretty boring. I've worked, I've painted. That's about it. It was Thanksgiving this past Thursday. A weird thanksgiving, amidst a pandemic. I worked, of course. But it was a slow day (only delivered one baby), and I was there with my bestie Lesley. A food truck came to the hospital, serving up thanksgiving staples for the employees for free. So that was nice. I talked with my grandparents and my mom (who surprisingly hadn't been drinking yet), hung out with Lesley a bit, and did a whole lotta nothing. All in all it was a good day.

My mood, amazingly, has been holding steady. I've been good. I'm laughing, I'm talking more, interacting with coworkers more, and just feeling really good. I feel stable. I feel normal. I feel human. It's so wonderful and awesome and I'm so blessed that I finally feel this way, for a prolonged period of time (5 months now). I did have some dipity doos a couple of months ago, but overall I have felt fantastic. 

I am officially working full time again now. Three 12 hour shifts a week. I'm excited about it. How strange is that? To be excited about working more. But I am. I think because it solidifies the truth that I'm doing better. Really, genuinely, doing better. And, of course, the extra money will be nice. I need to save up for my tattoo you know!

And, I'm not sure I've written about this yet (I don't remember and I'm too lazy right now to go back and look), but I've been doing the RCIA classes at my hubby's church. What's RCIA you ask? Well, it's classes to become Catholic. Yep. I'm doing that. Something that I never thought I'd be doing. If everything goes according to plan, I'll be baptized the Saturday evening mass before Easter Sunday (I was never baptized by my parents). It's kind of surreal to think about. And scary. And exciting. I'm having a sort of spiritual awakening, something I never thought would happen. I've been praying more - I don't have a routine down though. I don't even think I'm praying "correctly" (whatever that is). But I'm praying. And it feels good. It feels right. I can't believe I'm even typing this out - it's so foreign to me. But, that's where I am. 

So anyway, that's about it for now. I hope you all are doing well (points at hubby).