Day 24

Today has been an annoying day. The kind of day that has me questioning how well I really am, questioning if another episode is starting.

I woke up this morning, sun shining, birds chirping, and actually feeling rested. I looked at my watch to see that it was only 6:30. No. I wanted to sleep in this morning! I rolled over in bed, turning away from the window, but that didn't help. It was too bright and the chorus of birds was too loud. Fine, fine, I'll get up then.

I sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast, thinking about what I needed to accomplish today. Gym, laundry, take my son to therapy, finish a painting . . . Not too much, really. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had no motivation for any of it. Well, you don't have to go to the gym. You can workout at home. Do a 30 minute Insanity video - boom. Done. That sounded reasonable. But I still needed to psych myself up. I got on Ifunny, then Facebook. My mood was worsening though. Ok. You can go lay down for a little bit then. After all, it's only 7:30.

I crawled back into bed, pulling the covers over my head to block out the light and I set the alarm on my phone for 8, just in case. And I was just dozing off when the alarm went off. I hit the snooze. Then I hit the snooze again. And then I just turned it off. See, I couldn't pull myself out of bed. I just . . . couldn't. I didn't want to be awake. I didn't want to face the day and deal with how I was feeling. I finally got up at 9:15, only because I had to - I had to shower and go pick up my son from his grandma's so I could take him from therapy. Otherwise, I'm not sure I would have gotten out of bed.

Yes. So. I picked up my son, took him to therapy, and then we went home and had lunch. My plan was to finish a painting that I have sketched out of a blue jay. Instead, I sat at the table for an hour alternately doodling butterflies and staring off into space. So I went into the bedroom and laid down. What I wanted to do was curl into a ball and not exist. Or to be made unconscious at least until tomorrow. But no, I can't do that. So I napped instead. I didn't plan on napping long, only an hour. That hour turned into almost 2. Then I tried reading for a little bit but I couldn't concentrate.

So here I am, writing this. I feel like crap today. I feel depressed, down, empty, and like everything is pointless. I have no motivation and I can't muster up caring about, well, anything. Here's the shitty thing though - I don't feel as bad as I did a couple of months ago. Wait a minute! Shouldn't that be good? You feel better! That should be good! And yes, I guess, it should be good. But here's the thing - I'm stable but I still feel like crap. I'm okay, but I don't feel like I can participate in life. And that's the thing, too - I think this is how my life is going to be now. That even when I'm stable, even when I'm doing well, I'm going to have days where for no reason I plummet into a depression (conversely I guess, I could go into hypomania but that rarely happens).

This is frustrating!! A day I had things planned to do and all I accomplished was laying in bed. And then, then, I can't help but think about whether or not this is the start of an episode or a random day. I try not to think about it, I really do, but I can't seem to help it.

I should probably work to accept this new reality of mine. That would probably benefit me. It's just a difficult thing to do.

Ugh.