Well, today is day 18 of being "stable". That's right - you still notice the quotes? I'm still having difficulty with what I am. I'm having mood swings throughout the day, uncomfortable ones.
Yesterday, for example, hubby (J) and son (A) and I were sitting down to dinner. All of a sudden and out of the blue my mood plummeted, after being pretty okay all day. All through dinner I felt despair and as if life isn't worth living. After dinner, J laid down with me and tried to cheer me up. He tickled me, which made me laugh at first, but then I started sobbing for no real reason.
Today started okay, mood wasn't bad, took A to school and went out to the therapeutic riding center I volunteer at. I was only there a short period of time as classes were essentially cancelled (which was fine with me as I had a headache). I got my hair cut and colored and napped before picking A up from school. I felt very much like I was getting a cold. I skipped karate thanks to feeling sick, J and A still went. All this time my mood was mostly okay.
Until it wasn't.
They got home from karate and I felt like curling in a ball and not existing. I wanted to disappear. During dinner I felt the same way. I tried to chalk it up to having a cold, but I don't get these feelings when I have a cold - I get them when I'm depressed. It's too difficult to have to wake up every day and make it through the day, to find something worth living for. And I know I have things worth living for - I have my husband and my son for fuck's sake - but it's hard to hold onto that when you're not in control of your moods, when everything around you is so one dimensional and bleak.
Now luckily, luckily, these feelings aren't as strong as they were, not as strong as they were before I came upon this new found "stability". So I think I can manage, I think I can pull myself through.
At least that's what I tell myself.
It's just . . . all of this is so tiring.
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