Why ugh?
Because I feel gross. I've been super bloated and gassy as of late and I'm slowly gaining weight. All things that are BAD. They are NOT GOOD. I haven't been terribly active, nor have I been eating well, so this is all my own doing, but damn. I need to accept the fact that sugary things make me bloat and feel gross and I need to stop eating them. But it's so freaking hard - they taste so good!
I'm back up to 211lb. What the actual fuck. This is ridiculous. At my heaviest I weighed 240 - I lost 40lb on my own and was down to 198 . . . but now I'm back at 211. And I can't stand it. I hate seeing myself in pictures - I look so bad. So fat. And I just feel gross and bad. I'm sick of this. I need to get in shape - we're going to be mainly walking everywhere when we go to Japan in May, if I stay this out of shape I'm going to have problems keeping up, getting around. I mean, I'm seeing the chiropractor today because my hips have been bothering me (probably my excess weight and lack of movement).
I need to make a big change. I'm at my tipping point, much like I was at when I was 240. I think I can do this. But I need to get my butt in gear. Which is hard when, even though my mood has been decent, I still have no motivation for anything. I seem to do better exercising in the afternoon, but I feel so lazy and tired and drained and have a hard time doing anything. It's like I hit this hard slump after lunch. If I'm not at work I typically take a nap (it doesn't help that I haven't been sleeping the greatest the past few weeks). And after the nap I feel too lazy to do anything. And that's really it - I'm too lazy. I need to be more active. I'm going to strive to be more active.
Now about my diet . . . it needs a complete overhaul. I need to be eating more plants. Less refined sugar. I have a hard time with cravings. Especially at work. If there's junk around (and there usually is), I eat it. And not just a little bit - oh no. It's like I'm compelled to eat, to stuff my face to discomfort. I hate that I do this but I can't seem to stop. I know that I'm an emotional eater. And that I eat when I'm bored or stressed. I really need to take steps to remedy this, I'm just not sure what those steps are. I've looked into a couple of eating coaches, but holy COW are they expensive! Thousands of dollars! I can't afford that right now. I was hoping that as my mood improved I would emotionally eat less - that's not the case. I'm eating just as much. And yes, it's affecting my mood. Because I beat myself up every time I overeat or stress or emotionally eat. My body feels gross, so so does my mind.
I ordered some berberine supplements to try and help control my appetite. And some chlorella and collagen to help with my hair loss (another thing that eats away at my self esteem). I can pull most of my hair in a pony tail now (I've been growing it out from a pixie cut), and I can see thinning patches when I do this. My hair is already fine to begin with, but with the hair loss . . . well, it's not good. Other supplements I've tried haven't helped, but they were all biotin based. I already take a biotin supplement with my multivitamin, so extra biotin probably isn't going to do much. So chlorella. And collagen. And maybe if I can get my diet better that will help too.
This post is so vain sounding. But I know that if I feel good physically it helps me feel good mentally. So I need to get my butt in gear. Get back into exercising. Eat healthier. Less refined sugar and carbs (which, self, make you bloat and feel gross anyway - why do you keep eating them??). So that's where I'm at.
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