Well, I did it. I submitted my application and all my goodies (driver's license, transcripts, resume) to the nurse practitioner program at Post University. Just finished, actually. I feel accomplished but scared. Excited but really terrified. I mean, wow. It's real. I did it. I applied. And I really have mixed feelings about it. Mainly because I am scared. This is a big deal. A HUGE deal. Going back to school is no joke. It's going to be tough. Part of me is unsure that this is the right decision. This part of me is scared of new and different, wants everything to stay the same. It's questioning everything I'm doing and it's quite draining. I'm doing my best to listen to this part but ultimately am ignoring it. I should probably try to understand where it's coming from, comfort it, and help it see the good that could come from this decision. I'm sure that's what my therapist would want me to do. But it's hard to do that. I want to ignore it because this part is putting doubts in my mind, and those doubts are taking hold. Which is not good.
See, I'm my own worst enemy. I have limiting core beliefs, poor self esteem, lack of confidence. And so these little doubts are trying to sabotage what I'm doing. Telling me that I can't do it. That I'm going to fail, so why even try? I hate this. I'm actively trying to change my beliefs, raise my self esteem and confidence levels, and stop self sabotaging. I know school is going to be hard and scary and new and different and above all . . . difficult. But maybe, just maybe, I need the challenge. Maybe I need something different. Maybe I can actually succeed and do some good with my education. The only way I'm going to know is if I try. Maybe I'll find out that school really isn't for me. And if that's the case, then I'll know. But I need to try. This is what Jeremy keeps telling me. That the only way I'll truly fail is by not even trying. I am scared though. I'm worried that because of my memory issues from having done three years of ECT I'll struggle, that I won't be able to retain information. But again, I won't know if I don't try. So try I will.
To get me ready for school we retired my old art desk. I've had it for over 10 years (Jeremy built it for me using cabinets and a countertop). It served its purpose well but it was time for an upgrade. My new desk is pretty nice. And we got it for a steal (it was originally $1799 but we only ended up paying $681 for it!). I had to clear out my old desk and I got rid of a TON of stuff. It was a nice purge of the old. I also cleaned up my office a bit. I'm getting rid of all my sewing stuff as I don't enjoy sewing any more. It was fun back in the day (6-10 years ago), but it doesn't bring me joy any more. So, out with all of that stuff. Which cleared up some space in my office so it's not as cluttered.
Here's my new desk, all set up:
Quite lovely, yes? I love it. I still need to get a new chair, as my current one isn't the most comfortable. But it's coming along nicely. My own little workspace. The right side of the desk (where the printer is) will be for school, the left side for art (like I'll have time for art while in school, pfft).
So anyway, I'm excited and terrified. I'm trying to squelch the negative side of me. I'm trying to see all the positives, boost my confidence levels, and move forward. My tentative start date will be November 20th. Just over a month away. Wish me luck.
No comments:
Post a Comment