No really - it is. Peeing has become a chore for me. Why? Let me explain.
About 2 weeks ago now, my psychiatrist upped my dosage of Wellbutrin from 300mg to 450mg. I apparently like to get the rare and obscure side effects from medications. With Wellbutrin that looks like urinary hesitancy. I've been on Wellbutrin for a while and the urinary hesitancy started slowly and got worse with time - so much so that I saw a urologist to figure out what was going on. The hesitancy means that it takes me a bit of time to start my flow of urine (yes, probably TMI, I'm aware). Sometimes even a full minute or more before I can pee. Which is annoying. But now, with being on 450mg, I'm also having trouble emptying my bladder. So I can end up sitting on the toilet for 4 or 5 minutes just trying to pee like a normal person. This is beyond annoying and might be a deal breaker for the increased dose. And I haven't noticed a change in my mood yet from being on the increased dose. I'm giving it the full 4 weeks that my psychiatrist wants, but I'm probably going to have to go back down to 300mg and hope the new bladder issues go away. It's very frustrating.
And my mood? It hasn't been great. I've been feeling down more often, instead of just blah. I have more instances of feeling like I'm going to cry, especially at work. I'm trying so hard to be social. I'm forcing myself to interact with people, even though all I want to do is withdraw. And it's making me so tired. Keeping up a façade that everything is okay is exhausting.
On Friday, Jer and I went to one of his friend's houses for a game night. It was just 4 of us - 2 couples - but it was difficult for me. I was able to join in and have an okay time, but I still struggled. I tried to appear upbeat and outgoing, which is the complete opposite of how I was feeling (I've become much more of an introvert than I ever was in the past). Saturday was work, running on about 3 hours of sleep. Sunday we went to the going away party for Father Baron, meaning I had to interact with a LOT of people. And yesterday, work. So much interacting over the past few days, I'm running on empty. And then I work Wednesday, volunteer all day Thursday, and work Friday. Today is my only day of rest and I volunteer tonight (so it's not a whole day to myself). My saving grace is that today I'm getting a massage - a little gift from Jer as he knows how much I struggle.
When I feel like this, I get by by having things to look forward to. But after my massage today, I have nothing to look forward to. It's work and volunteering for the foreseeable future. I don't even have a therapy appointment to look forward to (and which I truly need), because Mike is out on medical leave (it'll probably be another 4-6 weeks before I see him). I need little things to look forward to. And I really have nothing. It makes everything seem bleak.
So anyway, that's where I'm at this week. Struggling and tired. Having issues peeing. But at least getting a massage.
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