Yeah, I know. I'm posting again. Twice in one week. Weird. Or maybe not so weird, since when I feel like crap I have the urge to write. Somehow it helps just the tiniest bit.
Today I'm depressed. I've been struggling with my mood hard this past week or so, feeling down and withdrawn, but today I'm downright depressed. I have no motivation for anything. I didn't even shower this morning as it was too much work. I managed to start laundry and work on a painting for about 30 minutes before giving up. I took out the trash and went to the post office. I sold a painting and was mailing it out. There was a new lady working there. I normally pay around $1.70 to mail out my paintings and she charged me $4.50. I don't know what the other ladies do differently so that I pay less, but this was not something I needed today. On my way out of the post office my manager called because I got a "parking ticket" at work the beginning of June. There was no parking in the employee parking garage so I parked up top, in the back, but still got a ticket. So she has to give me a verbal warning. I welled up with tears. These two small inconveniences were too much for me today.
I couldn't cry though. Even though I think maybe it would help me feel better, I couldn't cry. Sitting here, typing this, my eyes are full of tears. Tears that won't spill down my cheeks. I just. Can't. Cry. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so low. And I'm so tired of fighting this. I don't know what to do. Probably, I'll take a nap. At least that will pass the time and I'll be less aware of how shitty I feel.
Next Thursday we're going horseback riding in Estes Park. One of my favorite things to do, in my favorite place to be. I have something to look forward to. And it's not helping. It's only a week away, but it seems so far off.
That's where I'm at today. Depressed, feeling shitty, unable to release my emotion. And I work tomorrow. Great.
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