It's already December and I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I had therapy today. I thought it was going to be my last session with Mike and I was trying to prepare myself for such. Turns out he hasn't sold his house yet and is continuing to do therapy until he does so. So I see him again the beginning of January. To which I am grateful. I'm going to miss him so much when he retires and moves (to Pennsylvania).
Anyway, it was a banger session. Talk centered around my mom and my childhood and my innate introvertedness. See, I'm shy. I'm an introvert. We were discussing if this is more "genetic" or environmental (most likely mostly environmental related to growing up in an alcoholic household). I don't necessarily want to be introverted. It would be nice to be able to talk with people freely, smoothly, without having to force it. I'm envious of people who can do that. So we talked at length about it and now I have homework (I don't like homework). Mike wants me to have a conversation with a coworker I don't know very well. So I can practice. Push me out of my comfort zone. I agreed to work on it. Working on it is the best I can do.
I've been a mixed bag of emotions today. Mostly I've felt down and emotionally fragile. Volunteering was good and I felt better whilst doing it, even having a good conversation with one of the other volunteers (see, Mike? I can do it!). But I woke up feeling uneasy, anxious even. I know this is because I thought today was my last session with Mike. I even had a dream about it where Mike introduced me to my new therapist that would be replacing him. I didn't like it. Mike sensed my anxiety when I sat down. It got better throughout the session, and I'm not anxious now, but I still feel fragile - like I could cry at any moment, for any reason. Maybe I need to cry. I kind of feel as though I do. But I'm restraining myself. I don't know why. Maybe part of me is worried that if I do cry it'll lead to instability of mood. I have no idea really. I'm grasping at straws here.
We were supposed to go out to dinner with my mom tonight. She called me around 11:30, drunk and sobbing because she had a headache and canceled dinner. I'm not going to lie - I was both relieved and angry about this. See, she has been hounding me via call, text, and email for several weeks wanting to go out for dinner. Finally settled on a day and time and restaurant and she cancels. Drunkinly cancels. I'll be honest - I didn't want to see her tonight. I don't want to see her ANY time, really. But bugging me constantly about going out and then canceling last minute just doesn't sit right with me. And, truth be told, if she had called me when she was sober to cancel, I wouldn't be angry. But she wasn't sober. She was drunk. She's always fucking drunk. It's another letdown in my life of being let down by her. It's frustrating. And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm trying not to let it mar my day. Talked about it in therapy, writing about it now, and then I'm going to forget it and move on. Look on the bright side - now I don't have to deal with her drunk self in person.
I feel like I should leave you with a picture of a fox I painted. Why not?
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