I've been doing quite poorly the past week. Feeling down and depressed, irritable and annoyed. There was an event that triggered this. A rather horrible event that happened last Friday.
I was at work, in transition nursery, attending deliveries like I always do, when the unthinkable happened. Room 16 went for a crash c-section because we lost baby's heart tones. I called NICU to let them know and the team was assembled - high risk trans nurse, myself, respiratory therapist, nurse practitioner, and the neonatologist. We were prepared. We had our equipment ready. Decision to incision was about 4 minutes. The baby was born grey and lifeless. CPR was started immediately. The baby was intubated, umbilical lines placed, epinephrine given. At first I thought the baby would turn around, start breathing, start crying.
That did not happen.
Five doses of epinephrine were given. Sodium bicarb, and 40ml bolus of saline. Compressions for 20 minutes before time of death was called. We worked so hard to save this little life but God had other plans. The neonatologist approached the dad outside of the OR to tell him the bad news. He was brought in to see his son, Cade. He lost it, as any parent would. We all cried with him, what else could we do? He and his son were taken to a private room with our social worker and a nurse while mom was taken to recovery to wake up (she had been put under general anesthesia).
It was awful. The whole situation just terribly awful. In my nearly 14 years of doing nursery this is only the second life I've lost. Both instances were traumatic. The first one, 8 years ago, sent me into psychosis. I had delusions and hallucinations for months. This time I'm much more stable but my brain has decided depression is the way to go. I feel so horrible for this family. I've been praying for them daily. I don't know what else to do. I'm hoping as I get more remote from the delivery, as I talk about it with Mike in a couple of weeks, the depression will dissipate and I won't need a round of ketamine. But for now I grieve. There's no way to make sense of it.
So I've been down, depressed, irritable, and annoyed. I'm trying not to dwell. I'm trying to be upbeat and positive. I'm trying to let go. I'm doing all the things to make myself okay. And yet, I'm not. Not really. But I'm hopeful I'll get there, one way or another.
And then, to add insult to injury, I found out something horrifying yesterday. My son has his first girlfriend. He's 15. And my hubby and I found out yesterday that she gave him oral sex. He's FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD. That is NOT okay. I felt literally sick to my stomach when hubby texted me. I felt like curling up in a ball and crying. What the actual fuck is going on here?? My sweet little boy isn't so sweet and innocent anymore. I feel like I've lost something. I feel angry and confused and sick and concerned and horrified and sad. I didn't need this right now - I'm already emotionally fragile. Hubby had a long talk with him yesterday. I haven't seen him yet as he went to his grandma's house last night before I got home from work. So I'll see him today and have a chat with him. What do I even say?
I need a break from adulting.
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