Welp, here we are, it's Monday. It's 11:21am and I haven't showered or even changed out of my pajamas yet. I just don't care. It seems like too much work. I know I'd feel better if I did . . . but it seems so hard. I'm pretty down today and I don't want to do anything.
I worked yesterday and it was a rough day - mood wise. I was on the floor and my assignment was a nice one - my patients were all nice and self sufficient, and hardly needed anything from me. An easy day. Except it wasn't. I felt so down and empty and lost. I tried to read but couldn't focus. I wanted to hide from everyone. If I had been at home I would have taken a nap (or several). But I was at work and couldn't nap, so I hid and didn't really talk to anyone. Even to two friends who were working yesterday as well. Nope. Just hid in the corner and tried not to feel like crap.
And something that sucks, something that I'm "dealing with", is that I won't have therapy again for 7 weeks because Mike is having major back surgery. I'm not trying to be selfish or anything, it just sucks that I have to wait that long (or possibly even longer). Therapy last Wednesday was basically me venting about being depressed and angry at that depression and Mike trying to point out all the good in me. Trying to make me see that I'm more than just my depression. Which I know, intellectually, but it's hard to feel that when I've been feeling so low. I'm struggling right now. I'm trying so hard not to let it show, but I'm struggling.
Today it's windy and cold and cloudy. Tomorrow I have to go into work to be fitted again for an N95 mask (I don't want to go). Wednesday I'm on call and praying that I don't get called in. And Thursday, when I should be volunteering, I'll be at work. I'm set up for a crappy week. I work Saturday as well. It's a week I'm not looking forward to. Especially when I feel the way I do.
I'm being very negative, I know. I'm trying not to be, but I can't help it it seems. It's hard to be positive when feeling like crap all the time. Anyway, I guess I don't have anything else to write right now. I need to eat lunch, and I need to shower.
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