I have therapy today, in two hours. This is the only reason I'm not still in bed and have showered. Because I'm going to therapy. Otherwise, today would be spent much like yesterday was - in bed. My mental health has taken a turn for the worse. I'm so empty that I don't care to do anything. Just sleep. It's easier that way. When I sleep I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling. Which is bad.
Yesterday I went to a work meeting first thing in the morning. When I got home I got back in bed and stayed there until I had lunch. Then - you guessed it - back to bed. I got up to pick my son up from school and did stay up after that, mainly because hubby got home and I didn't want him to see how bad I was feeling. I went to Latigo to volunteer last night and got to do more with the horses, which was nice. I pretended that everything was A-okay. It wasn't. I still was feeling so numb.
I hoped that playing with horses last night would help me feel better this morning but no, I feel like crap. Took Ayden to school, had breakfast and coffee, and then back to bed. I did, however, force myself to get up and put away laundry and shower. I even put on makeup in an attempt to not feel so crappy about myself. I still feel crappy about myself. I'm exhausted (for no real reason), empty, numb, and down. And I feel fat and gross and ugly. And, on top of it all, I have a headache. So much fun.
So yeah. Therapy today. I don't know what we'll go over. I know Mike had said last time (which was 6-7 weeks ago) that we needed to start revisiting my traumas. And we started that last time. But I certainly don't feel up to that today. I feel like curling up in a ball and not existing. Or going to sleep and not waking up until I feel better. I think revisiting trauma will make me feel even worse - not something that I need today.
On top of me feeling like crap I'm trying to be present and helpful and supportive of two friends who are going through a rough time. So I'm pretending even more like everything is okay. How can I be supportive and empathetic if I don't have my shit together??
And then my mom. My fucking mom who thinks we have some close relationship that grants her the ability to call me 3 or more times a day for support and venting, etc ( we do NOT have a relationship, hardly at all, but certainly not the one she thinks we have). She's expecting me to support her emotionally because she has no friends to turn to and for some reason doesn't want to talk to her husband. No, she calls me drunk and crying, looking for support that I can't - and won't - give. It's not my responsibility to be my mother's parent and friend. I don't want that roll. Ever. Because again, we do not have any sort of healthy relationship. She's a major trigger for me - just getting a text from her sends my anxiety spiraling.
All this fucking shit to deal with. And work. Of course work. It's been busy and annoying and all consuming. I work tomorrow and two Thursdays in May; days which I could be volunteering but can't. I can't find anyone to switch days with me so that I could maybe have one of those Thursdays off. But no. No one wants to switch because God forbid someone return the favor of helping me out.
Anyway, that's enough venting I guess. We'll see how therapy goes today. And how my evening goes. And how my life goes.
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