It's warm today, like 75 degrees, but windy as all get out. I have the back door open so my dog Moya can go in and out as she pleases and the wind keeps blowing the screen door shut. Moya is not pleased by this. It's been windy every day for a couple of weeks now and I'm over it. So freaking tired of the wind. At least it's not cold as well.
Yesterday I spent the day out at Norris Penrose. All day in the sun and wind. It was warm yesterday too - warm enough I didn't need my hoodie or anything. The people in the morning session (9 of them) weren't as engaged as they were last week. This week we were focusing on mindfulness and several people couldn't stand being quiet with their thoughts. I can appreciate this as when I'm in a dark place I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, either. And the horses were all being butt heads. We went on a walk through the trails to a horse obstacle course and the horses didn't really want anything to do with it. It's a good exercise for the participants in being mindful and present - if you're not present your horse isn't going to listen to you. The afternoon group was more engaged, the horses were more cooperative, and I think it was a great learning experience for all.
In between the two groups I got to "long rein" a horse, Thumper (who is sweet as can be). Imagine a carriage being pulled by a horse, but I'm the "carriage" walking behind the horse, directing him with a pair of long reins. It's pretty darn cool and fun! Thumper was a good boy for me. The other horse was a bit of a butt and wanted to eat poop instead of walk nicely. It was so fun though!
As of late I've just been really blah. Just kind of empty. The only time I really feel okay is when I'm working with the horses. Then I feel okay. Yesterday morning I woke up feeling down and all I wanted to do was go back to bed. Sleep. All day. But I went and worked with the horses and felt so much better. It was the same this past Tuesday when I went out to Latigo for my volunteering. Blah and a little down all day, better after being with the horses. They really are therapeutic for me. And knowing that I'm helping other people out by being there. That helps too. Otherwise, yeah. Just blah.
I'm so tired of feeling this way. I'm so tired of trying so hard to be okay. I'm so tired of pretending, putting on a show that everything is better. I feel better during and after working with the horses, but before - whether it's days of hours before - I'm a husk. Going through the motions. After being with the horses I think, hey, maybe I'm coming out of this depression. But then the next morning I wake up blah and empty and unmotivated. I'm not sure what more to do. And in May there are a couple of Thursdays that I'll miss because I'm working and no one will switch days with me. May 5th and the 19th. I'm not looking forward to missing these days. It makes me anxious. Stupid, I know. But I can't help it.
Anyway, I did an ink drawing that I really like:
It's called "Bliss". And bliss is truly what I feel when I'm with the horses. It's my escape from myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment