I have been getting more and more angry with every passing day. Everything makes me mad. Even stupid little things that have no meaning . . . pissed off. I shouldn't be driving because of my rage - it's bad. If no one's in the truck with me I scream and cuss and cry. If someone is in the truck with me I'm able to bottle it up but then I lose it when I get home. This is becoming unbearable. Seriously. Everything is so overwhelming right now. Even simple tasks are hard for me to do. Like filling out my passport application. Apparently that's too much for me. I had to set it aside and walk away because I couldn't handle it. Even typing this out - I misspell something and I can feel the rage surging in me. Over a fucking TYPO!!! I can't even with myself.
And this has been getting worse over the past week and a half. Every day worse. My depression is getting worse every day. I'm not really functioning. Everything is so hard. I don't know how I'm going to go to work on Saturday. I barely made it through Tuesday. I had to hide a lot. I feel so fucking bad. I cry at everything. I can't cope with anything. And I don't know what to do or how to handle this. The depression and anger is consuming me.
I see Dr. Marciniak next Tuesday and Mike again next Thursday. Something has to change. I can't keep doing this. I can't handle this. I can't. As far as med changes go . . . there's not really anything we can do. The Caplyta is my 24th different medication. There's nothing left. Nothing to fall back on. I'm just . . . stuck. I'm going to call today to set up a consultation with a ketamine infusion clinic. Because I can't do this anymore.
In other news, I still have no appetite. None. I don't care if I eat or not. I've lost 7 pounds in the past 2 weeks. Because I just. Don't. Care. I can eat something or I can starve. I don't care. Nothing sounds good. I've been living on toast. Literally. Because nothing sounds good and I truly don't care. I'm at the point where I want to throw in the towel. I want to give up. That would be easier. But I can't. I have to keep going for Jer and Ayden. Even though I don't want to, I keep pushing forward. And it sucks. I'm so tired. Probably going to go on intermittent FMLA. Because how the fuck am I supposed to work like this?
So. That's where I'm at. Hating life. Hating everything.
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