Monday 5/16/22 Finally some art

 Yep. I finally did some art today. First time painting all month. Last month and the month before I was all about painting horses, horses, horses. Then I ran out of steam. I have no motivation or inspiration. I don't want to continue just painting horse after horse, but I'm not sure what to paint. Art block, I guess. All artists get it. I've had it numerous times. Maybe being able to paint today (not horses) signifies the lifting of my art block. Who knows. Guess I'll find out . . . time will tell.

Today I also finished my course on kicking my sugar addiction. It was a very insightful course and I think I can really do it - stop eating sugar. Again, time will tell. I'll see how I do over the coming weeks. There's a "master class" I can sign up for if I need extra help (it, of course, costs extra, and is pretty pricey). But if I'm struggling I just may sign up. Because I'm determined to become a person who doesn't eat sugar. I know I'll be healthier and feel better by not eating sugar. 

Mood wise I've been all over the place. Well, maybe not quite "all over", but I'm having ups and downs. Today is a down day. Yesterday, at work, I was pretty okay. Maybe just a little blah. But okay. Just when I start to feel like I'm doing a bit better, that maybe, just maybe my depression is lifting, I have a day like today. Which reminds me that I'm most definitely not out of the woods yet. It's not that today is bad - I mean, I've accomplished a lot today. It's just that I'm not feeling it. I feel like I've done nothing. Even though I was up early, showered, shaved, did laundry, finished my sugar course, did 2 paintings, and am going to work out, I feel none of it. I'm empty and hollow and feel nothing. Except down and blah. It's frustrating, to say the least. And I really don't know what to do except keep pushing through. It just seems so daunting and overwhelming. To have to keep feeling this way. To have to keep pushing through. I'm so tired of it. I want things to be easy and they're not. Ugh. 

I still have 4 weeks before my next therapy session. It feels so far off (it's already been 3 since my last session). Maybe that will be a good thing - it's not like I have much new to talk about. I go to work, I eat and sleep and complain, and go to bed. Nothing new. 

Tomorrow is my anniversary. Nineteen years of marriage, 22 years together. Pretty awesome. I don't think we're doing anything, which doesn't bother me. I don't have anything planned - not even a card. Maybe I should at least get him a card. I just don't feel like celebrating. I've never been big on celebrating. I have a boring dinner planned, but I do that every night that I'm off. Oh well. Maybe we'll end up going out. Who knows. 

That's it for now I guess. I have no direction with this post. Same shit, different day.  

Tuesday 5/10/22 Maybe I'm slightly better . . .

 Well, I think I'm doing a bit better than I was last week. I'm not as down, not feeling quite so crappy. I'm still blah, still empty, but don't feel as depressed. Which is a good thing. I did work my call shift last week and it sucked. A lot. It was super busy and stupid and then I had to go back Thursday and do it again. Oh well. 

So anyway, I started a program called "I Kicked Sugar". It's an audio program - kind of like a podcast almost - with a workbook. It's got 10 modules, each module around 20-30 minutes long, with tasks to do at the end of each module. As the name implies, it helps you kick your sugar habit. I just finished module 5 today which involved a lot of journaling (which, most of the modules involve journaling). I've also watched 2 documentaries that the program recommended - "That Sugar Film" and "The Truth About Sugar". Both were very eye-opening and informative (though I enjoyed That Sugar Film the most).

 If you haven't figured it out, I'm going to try and give up most sugar. I think it will help me lose weight, feel better physically and emotionally, and maybe help with the depression. Because I'll admit it - I'm addicted to sugar. I binge on it when no one's around or I think no one is paying attention (I'm worst at work when there's treats or candy or chocolate). But, I binge at home, too. To the point that I make myself physically sick. It's like I can't stop. And then I feel horrible after - physically and mentally. I use sugar to reward myself, to calm myself, to soothe myself, to comfort myself . . . it's bad. So, I'm on a quest to give it up. Not entirely - I'll still be eating fruit and the occasional treat - but refined sugar has got to go. 

I think Jeremy thinks I'm a bit whack-a-doodle for doing this. When I told him about it he was less than supportive and was trying to poke holes in everything I was telling him. Which, honestly, made my mood crash. I'm going to need him to be supportive of me with this. But, regardless of what he thinks, I'm doing it. It's going to be hard, but I'm doing it. 

Nothing much else is going on. I'm tired most of the time, I'm blah, I'm still just existing. It's better than being depressed, but it's still no fun. Work is always busy and I feel burnt out. I need a prolonged vacation - even if I don't do anything or go anywhere. Just some time off to be. Although escaping to the mountains would be nice, even if only for a day trip. 

That's about it for now. At least I'm not as negative as I was last week.