Wednesday 8/3/22 Therapy

 I saw Mike this morning. It was weird - I was nervous going in. I think because I didn't know what the session was going to hold, what he wanted to talk about, etc. But all in all it was a good session. He is officially retiring in October, so I'll see him a couple more times before then so we can work out the logistics of seeing a new therapist/ease out of seeing him. I really don't want to. You know, stop seeing him. But I have no choice in the matter. *heavy sigh*

Today I got him caught up on everything that's been going on since I last saw him (like 8 weeks ago). The medication changes, work, ACOA stuff . . . we spent a good deal of time on the ACOA stuff. He thinks it's a great idea for me to be diving into it myself. But it's hard to because I've been feeling so lousy lately. I know I need to . . . it's just hard. 

I gave him his retirement card today that I made him. He saw how much writing was in it and said he wanted to read it later. Asked me if it was okay to read later. I said yes, of course, so I don't know his reaction to what I wrote. Perhaps he'll mention it at our next session (which is August 24th - 3 weeks away). I kinda hope he does. I'm curious of what his reaction will be. It's not that I want to make him feel bad - I definitely don't - it's just that I want him to know how much he means to me. And before I don't get to see him anymore I'd really like a hug. I'm a hugger. But I don't want to ask for one because what if he said no? I'd feel awkward and kind of crushed. I'll just have to feel that one out. I'm sure I'll cry at our last session. Which I'm not looking forward to. As of right now I can kind of ignore the fact that he's retiring, since I still get to see him a few more times. But at our last session . . . well, that's it. No more Mike. And that's going to be hard to stomach. It's weird to think that I have a loss coming up that I'm going to have to grieve. And I don't want to. I'm tearing up as I'm writing this, just thinking about it. Gotta be strong. 

I going to try and spend the rest of the afternoon doing my ACOA workbook. I need to get working on it. I've been putting it off and putting it off. Again, I've been so lousy lately that it just feels too heavy. But I'm going to work on it today. If I can keep myself from napping, that is. I feel like napping all. The. Time. Because it's an escape. I don't have to feel when I nap. 

Also, I'm on my last week of Pristiq. I think I have 4 or 5 days left and I'm done with it. And then I'll be on the full 20mg of Lexapro. I'm really hoping this helps. Like, really hoping. Time will tell.