11/16/18

How many times I wished for change,
Gave up, gave in and called it fate,
Repeating all of the same mistakes,
Wasn't ready for what I'd find.
Whatever it is that turned the knife,
It was a long, long night . . .
      -Guster, Long Night


This rings so true for me. In several aspects of my life, but most notably dealing with my bipolar disorder and my weight. In both these areas I wished for change countless times. I've given up, given in, only to start fighting again which leads to giving up again. I have repeated the same mistakes, over and over again, despite therapy, despite knowing what to do (just eat healthy and exercise, seriously wtf), and despite having support at every turn. I don't think I've been ready for what I'd find (stability and possible weight loss) for God knows what reason. I don't know.

Although that's not an entirely true statement. Weight loss doesn't scare me. Failing to lose weight is what scares me. What if I give it my all and I still don't lose? What then? I'm a big, fat failure. And that scares me into doing nothing and sabotaging myself. I've been picking up on my sabotaging, my binge eating (although my binges are small, they certainly add up). My lack of energy, enthusiasm, and motivation to do anything exercise related. Couple all of this with being on 3 medications that cause weight gain and you have a recipe for disaster.

I don't know what it was that turned the knife but I'm finally so sick of how I look and how I feel that I'm finally doing something about it. Finally. After 3 years of constant weight gain (75 pounds to be exact) I'm finally ready to do something about it.

I bet you thought this post was going to be about my bipolar, my depression, right? Sorry, not today love. I need to write about my weight. I need to get it out there. I need to be accountable and I feel getting it "down on paper" will help with that.

So what am I going to do differently?  Well, for starters, I'm going to drastically cut down on refined sugar. My therapist suggested that I try the paleo diet but after researching it I know I can't be that drastic with my dietary changes. I'll fail. So I'm cutting down on sugar. I'm giving up soda - including diet soda, which was always my go to at work. I'm increasing the amount of fruits and veggies I eat, which shouldn't be too hard considering I already eat a lot as it is. I'm going to focus on eating whole foods rather than prepackaged processed foods, even though they are more convenient. Which means more nuts and seeds for snacks. I'm not giving up dairy because I love cheese so much, but I will be cutting down on it.

For movement I am going to try and go to the gym at least 3 days a week. Now that I'm over my blasted cold I plan on doing at least 20 minutes of cardio in addition to weight lifting. Cardio will have to start out slow for me as I am dreadfully out of shape. I ordered these workout DVDs that are 15 minute HIIT workouts that I intend to start doing 3 mornings a week. I would also like to start riding my spin bike again. All of this will start off slowly and build over time because 1. it sounds like a hell of a lot and 2. I'm so damn out of shape it's ridiculous. But that's the plan.

I'm not hoping to lose weight quickly. You know what? Fuck it. That's a lie. I would love to lose weight quickly but I know it's not going to happen that way. So slow weight loss it is. Slow and steady wins the race, right? So that's what we're hoping for.

What we're also hoping for is for my bipolar to cooperate. Because when I get really depressed it's like I can't work out. I can't even get out of bed sometimes, how am I going to get to the gym? And when I'm depressed? I eat. I try not to, but I eat. I eat to fill the void. Not a good setup for weight loss.

But this is where I'm at. Something turned the knife and I'm going to do this despite my depression and despite myself. I'm going to finally lose weight. Period.