Friday 12/3/21

 Well hello again. It's December. Which is pretty crazy. What's even more crazy is that we've had no snow here in Colorado Springs yet. I mean, we've had some flurries, but no real snow. Which is just weird. I don't mind not scraping off my truck every morning, but damn! We could use the moisture!

Anyway, I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we are indeed going up on my Wellbutrin dose. From 150mg to 300mg. I'm hoping this helps as I've been doing everything else in my power to fight this stupid depression and it's just not enough. I was hoping it was the new supplement I was trying but after being off of it for a week I feel no difference. I'm going to stay off of it for now though, just in case.

Last night I was supposed to go to bible study. I did not, however, go. My mood was pretty crappy and putting on a mask for everyone didn't sound like a whole lotta fun. I messaged L, the gal who puts it on, and told her the truth as to why I wasn't going. I don't know her too well, so opening up about being bipolar and depressed was a little nerve wracking. I was met with empathy and prayers though. I still feel awful about not going, like I'm flaking out or something. Like I'm not reliable. Which, honestly, right now I'm not. 

I haven't done anything creative in a month. I have no motivation or inspiration. Mainly motivation - I can do art even when I'm not inspired. But no drawing, painting, or sewing. It's pretty sad. I've always loved spending time in my office and now I just don't want to. Which really sucks because art is such a good outlet for me. I go down there and just sit and stare off into space. I look at my unfinished projects and feel overwhelmed. I don't feel like I'm at a point where I can do anything. And it sucks. I want to create and I can't right now. 

In other news, I've decided to let my hair grow out a little. Not a lot - I don't want long hair - but a little. Right now I have kind of a shaggy pixie cut and I'm thinking a short, messy bob. It's going to take a while to grow out. It might take a year or more to get it where I want it. This is very daunting. I've grown out pixie cuts before and there's all these awkward stages in between. But I'm determined to grow it a bit and not cut it again because it's awkward and annoying. We'll see how this goes. 

Monday 9/7/20 Labor Day

 Anger. I haz it. Big time. Anger, annoyance, irritability, RAGE, frustration. It's all there. Taking over. Making me miserable. Making everyone around me miserable. I don't know what's up. But man has it been rough the past several days. 

I'm not sure what triggered this anger. It seemingly came out of nowhere. And it's quite evident. I'm not hiding it well. I'm taking things too personally, getting hurt at the slightest comment. It's stupid, honestly. And I hate it. I fucking hate it. Everything is setting me off it seems. 

Why?

I really have no bloody idea. I've tried doing a root cause analysis to no avail. Since it's so varied as to what sets me off . . . there's no pattern. There's no reason. I'm worried it's because I'm off of my lithium. I've been off of it for almost a full 3 weeks. Withdrawals? I don't know. It doesn't seem likely . . . but . . . there's always a chance I guess. 

What else . . . that time of the month? HA! That's rich. No, I haven't had hormonal mood swings since having my hysterectomy 11 years ago. So I wouldn't think that's it. Maybe a build up of everything going on? I'm talking about 2020. You know - covid, riots, lock down, a progressively more and more drunk mother (who annoys the ever living FUCK out of me), root canal, jaw pain, trouble peeing . . . (I haven't mentioned that last one before; I'm totally having trouble peeing - initiating a stream, emptying my bladder, etc, it's pretty awesome and by awesome I mean seriously what the fuck body can't you do anything right??). 

So yeah. That's where I'm at. Angry. Frustrated. And trying desperately not to be. But I'm really having trouble containing it. AND, just for fun, I keep getting these existential crisis moments where I question what the hell is the point of living and my mood drops. I've been somewhat okay at countering these moments but damn, really? Do I really need this too?

The answer is no. No I don't. But my stupid brain insists that this is necessary. If I could, I'd stab my brain with a fork. 

I really wish I had therapy sooner than the 24th. Ugh.

In other news, I cut my hair. Again. It's short, y'all. Like, too short I think. I'm not really digging it. Everyone keeps telling me how cute it is and that it suits me, blah blah blah, but I don't know. I'm really self conscious about it and I've only had it cut for 2 days. Hubby made jokes about me having the same hairstyle as him. Ha ha ha fuck you. Not funny when I'm kinda fragile right now. I know this is fueling my anger. Feeling crap about myself isn't good for anything. Except feeling like crap. Oh well, it'll grow I guess. Slowly. Excruciatingly slowly. 

Anyway, that's what's going on. Anger and existential crises and a bad haircut. WTF.    

Friday 5/29/20 Bets Off

Oy vey. I'm supposed to be at work today. I'm writing this so obviously I'm not. I was put on delayed start until one. That means instead of going into work at 7am, my delayed start time is 1pm - but only if I'm needed. If I'm not needed I'll be put on call. I have a sneaking suspicion that I won't be needed.

So I'm at home, trying to come up with something to do. I want to draw, I just can't come up with something to draw. So I figured I'd write instead. Listen to some music. See if I can get the creative juices flowing.

And so far it's not working.

Damn.

Mood wise I'm status quo: empty, down, numb, hopeless, pointless, etc. I have maintenance TMS again next Tuesday the 2nd. I'm hopefully going to talk to Dr. F and see if he's accepting new patients. I hope so. I pray he is. (If you read my last post you know why). I need something new, a fresh set of eyes, and I don't think I'll get that from Dr. M anymore. I truly believe Dr. M is done with me.

In other news, I hate my hair. I'm growing it out from a pixie and it's in this really awkward phase of being too long but too short to do anything. I'm so close to cutting it off again. I really hate it. And hair on average grows only 6 inches per year. This is going to take forever. Two-three years of awkwardness. Ugh. What to do, what to do . . .

I guess I don't have that much to say today.  Hope all is well with you.