Anger. I haz it. Big time. Anger, annoyance, irritability, RAGE, frustration. It's all there. Taking over. Making me miserable. Making everyone around me miserable. I don't know what's up. But man has it been rough the past several days.
I'm not sure what triggered this anger. It seemingly came out of nowhere. And it's quite evident. I'm not hiding it well. I'm taking things too personally, getting hurt at the slightest comment. It's stupid, honestly. And I hate it. I fucking hate it. Everything is setting me off it seems.
Why?
I really have no bloody idea. I've tried doing a root cause analysis to no avail. Since it's so varied as to what sets me off . . . there's no pattern. There's no reason. I'm worried it's because I'm off of my lithium. I've been off of it for almost a full 3 weeks. Withdrawals? I don't know. It doesn't seem likely . . . but . . . there's always a chance I guess.
What else . . . that time of the month? HA! That's rich. No, I haven't had hormonal mood swings since having my hysterectomy 11 years ago. So I wouldn't think that's it. Maybe a build up of everything going on? I'm talking about 2020. You know - covid, riots, lock down, a progressively more and more drunk mother (who annoys the ever living FUCK out of me), root canal, jaw pain, trouble peeing . . . (I haven't mentioned that last one before; I'm totally having trouble peeing - initiating a stream, emptying my bladder, etc, it's pretty awesome and by awesome I mean seriously what the fuck body can't you do anything right??).
So yeah. That's where I'm at. Angry. Frustrated. And trying desperately not to be. But I'm really having trouble containing it. AND, just for fun, I keep getting these existential crisis moments where I question what the hell is the point of living and my mood drops. I've been somewhat okay at countering these moments but damn, really? Do I really need this too?
The answer is no. No I don't. But my stupid brain insists that this is necessary. If I could, I'd stab my brain with a fork.
I really wish I had therapy sooner than the 24th. Ugh.
In other news, I cut my hair. Again. It's short, y'all. Like, too short I think. I'm not really digging it. Everyone keeps telling me how cute it is and that it suits me, blah blah blah, but I don't know. I'm really self conscious about it and I've only had it cut for 2 days. Hubby made jokes about me having the same hairstyle as him. Ha ha ha fuck you. Not funny when I'm kinda fragile right now. I know this is fueling my anger. Feeling crap about myself isn't good for anything. Except feeling like crap. Oh well, it'll grow I guess. Slowly. Excruciatingly slowly.
Anyway, that's what's going on. Anger and existential crises and a bad haircut. WTF.
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