I hate it when I feel compelled to write. I really do. Because usually the only time I feel compelled to write is when I'm not doing so good. Well, I'm not doing so good.
I woke up this morning feeling like something had shifted, but I wasn't sure what. I took the boy to school, came home and made breakfast. It was while eating that I noticed the shift again. Staring off into space, feeling . . . down. Feeling . . . overwhelmed. Feeling . . . burnt out. Feeling not at all like myself, the self I've gotten so used to for the last year and a half. The self I sometimes take for granted.
I ate my breakfast, drank my coffee, all the while feeling the weight of everything on me. I went back to bed. It's all I could do. I went back to bed and slept for another hour. When I woke up, I told myself everything was fine, it was going to be fine. I showered. I shaved my legs. I washed my hair. All the while feeling empty and lost. I posted about it on Instagram and texted my two best friends about it. And then? Then I lost it. I started sobbing. And God bless my dog Moya, she came running into the bedroom whining, licking my face, trying to make me feel better. Only, it didn't help. I sobbed harder. This was the snot everywhere kind of sobbing, the makeup-running-down-the-face kind of sobbing. Thank goodness my mascara is water proof.
I did, eventually, pull myself together. Blew my nose, cleaned myself up. And now I sit here typing this out, my eyes burning and swollen from the tears, wondering what the hell happened. Wondering, why do I feel like this? I don't have an answer for myself. I think it's a combination of things. I'm burnt out at work. I feel overwhelmed by everything. My weight is not where I want it to be. I have no motivation. I'm in perimenopause. And I feel like this will never end. I find myself trying to pick out little things to look forward to - a coping mechanism from when I'm depressed. Right now I'm looking forward to the 30th because I'm getting my hair cut (it's far too long right now and annoying me).
Maybe I need to go up on my Wellbutrin. Maybe I need a therapy appointment. Maybe I simply need a vacation. I don't know what I need. All I know is that I've had this underlying feeling of unease that I've been effectively ignoring and today it's come to a head. Today it's come to the surface and broken through and quite honestly I'm scared. I'm scared because I can't go back to the way things were. The way things were when my depression was out of control.
I know I might be reading too much into this. I may very well be catastrophizing this . . . this breakdown I've had today. Lord knows I'm an expert in doing that. It's just that I feel so awful. And I haven't felt this way for so long.
So anyway, that's where I'm at. Feeling down and stuck and on the verge of tears again.
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