Monday 7/8/24 Rough

 Feeling rough again. Down. Melancholy. Irritable. All of those things. And, really, I have been for several days in a row now. This is very frustrating for me. I've had such a long streak of doing well and now, well, I'm not. I'm not depressed. I wouldn't say that, not yet. But I appear to be heading in that direction. This is so. Fucking. Annoying. I don't want to have another ketamine infusion. Those are expensive. And I'm already expensive because I'm on the semaglutide. I want to be back to how I was - content. Unbothered. Happier. Not how I am now.

It started out feeling down at times at work. If I wasn't doing something I'd get this mild existential dread. And it would pass, or I would get busy and forget about it. But it started happening more frequently. And now I'm feeling it at home. Yesterday I just wanted to be asleep. I was questioning what the point of being awake was. If I'm going to feel like crap I'd rather sleep through it. But alas, I cannot. No, I have to be a functional adult and do things. Which is dumb. Like work. I work tomorrow. And my friend/coworker is having her baby tomorrow and I'm going to have to be happy and whatnot and I'm just not feeling it. Maybe tomorrow will be different. And if not, hopefully I can put on a good show. 

I keep thinking, maybe if I could have a good cry I'd feel better. But I can't seem to get to that point - I can't cry. I can feel like I'm going to, even tear up a little, but I can't seem to do it. So I just feel down and angry. The irritability is a bitch, too. I feel so cranky over everything. I'm not snapping at Jeremy or Ayden or anything. I feel it most when I'm driving or I'm at work. I hate it. 

Anyway, not much of anything else is going on. I want to draw and paint but I have no motivation. I need to make my mom's birthday card (her birthday was yesterday - we're going out to dinner on Wednesday), but I'm lacking ideas. I'll come up with something, I'm sure, but probably not today. *sigh*

Thursday 6/6/24 Been awhile again

 Yeah, it's been a while since I last wrote. Three weeks or so. There's just nothing that exciting going on. Going to work, reading, doing laundry . . . nothing exciting. I've hit a dry spell creatively and haven't done any art in 2 or more weeks. I'm going to try today to do something. Anything to get my creative juices flowing. We'll see what I come up with. 

My colonoscopy was largely normal - doc removed two very small polyps which were benign. Hooray. I don't think I need another one for 5 years. Which is good because the prep was AWFUL. It tastes like salt water with a hint of artificial lemon flavor. So gross. 

In other news, I feel my mood slipping a little bit. Trending towards the melancholy. I notice myself feeling a little down at times and more easily angered (which is usually a sign that I'm slipping). It's not bad, and it's not all the time, but it's there. And that's annoying. And possibly a reason for my artistic dry spell. 

I don't really have anything else right now. So toodle loo!