Would you look at that - it hasn't been a week yet and I'm writing again. I'm having an overwhelming desire to write. But I don't know exactly what I'm going to write about. . .
I'm on the couch (as per usual), listening to both music on my phone and my son yelling at his friends through his headset. Delightful. Although wait - what's that? It seems he's being quiet for the time being.
For not feeling great I've gotten some things accomplished the past few days. Monday I did a sketchy type personal drawing of a woman crying; yesterday I painted five bookmarks - cute ones - and sold two of them; today I cleaned the kitchen, did laundry, and went to the post office. Stuff I got done that I honestly didn't think I'd accomplish. I'm proud of myself for that.
Especially because I seem to be frozen.
Frozen from doing things. For example, after I showered yesterday (a feat in itself), I had to lay down for an hour before I could go downstairs to my studio to paint. It was too overwhelming. I just couldn't do it. Ultimately I was able to get myself up and down there, but it was truly difficult.
I'm starting to feel as though things are pointless. Nothing really matters. It's all stupid. This is very bad thinking for me and is usually the first step to suicidal thoughts. I've been very active in countering this thinking with positive thoughts. But that's hard to do and it's surprisingly tiresome. You wouldn't think so, but it can be exhausting countering negative thoughts.
I'm trying to come up with things to do. Like making mother's day cards for my mom and mother-in-law. I know they would appreciate them which makes them not pointless, right? See, self? Things aren't as pointless as you think.
I'm hoping things like that will help. Painting and drawing - having a creative outlet - usually seems to help. What sucks is that I haven't had the motivation to do this. It's hard to even get out of bed and perform the basics of hygiene let alone be creative and act on it.
I'll get there at some point I suppose.
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