I had therapy this morning. Early this morning. Like, 0800 this morning. It was ridiculously cold out. So cold it took my truck a few extra seconds to start. I don't like it that cold. We had a snow storm come through Tuesday and Wednesday and dump around 6 inches of snow. And then with the cold everything froze.
Anyway, therapy. Mike and I spent the majority of the time talking about work. My work, obviously. Because, well, I'm burnt out. So burnt out. To the point where I don't want to go anymore. I dread going to work. Every day. I've been full time again for a year now, after having been part time for, I don't know, 6 years? I was proud of myself when I went back to full time last year. So proud. Now I'm wondering what the fuck I was thinking. Mike agrees with me in that respect. And suggested that maybe I go back to part time. Ugh. I'd feel like a total failure going back to part time. Like I've let everyone down - family and coworkers both. And myself. Mike pointed out that maybe I'm being too hard on myself (I am), but I can't help it. But yeah, I mean, work is an external, modifiable component contributing to my depression. So if I could change that, in theory, it would help my depression. Makes sense. But I am loathe to go part time again. For a lot of reasons really. But mainly because I don't want to be seen as a failure. How I see myself. Oy vey.
Jer (hubby) and I talked about it this afternoon too. He keeps telling me that if I need to go part time again I can totally do it. Our budget is based off my part time pay (the extra I'm making is going into savings or to purchase all my protein powder and other frivolous spending). So yeah - money wise I could totally do it. Jer wants me to be happy and healthy. And I get that. I want to be happy and healthy too. But . . . failure. Extra money. Not contributing enough. I just . . . I don't know. We came up with a compromise though: I have lots of vacation time. Like, 200 hours. Now, the next 6 week schedule is already set in stone (and it sucks, honestly), but after this schedule I'm going to take a day off each week for a little while and use some of my vacation time. It's like going part time for a bit but not really doing it. Maybe it'll help. I really hope it does.
I've been feeling so numb and empty and withdrawn and down lately. I keep thinking that if maybe I could have a good cry it would help. Release everything bottled up inside. But I can't cry. I physically can't. There's nothing in me. No real emotion other than anger. Numb and empty. I can't muster up enough emotion to cry. How sad is that?
Anyway, therapy was good. Mike enjoyed my artwork. All 18 paintings I brought. Lord have mercy, why did I have so many paintings?? Well, because painting can be cathartic. I did two paintings today too (I'll bring those next time).
Um . . . that's all I got for now. Cheers.
No comments:
Post a Comment