It's been that kind of day. A heavy sigh kind of day. I am . . . quite blah. And actually feeling a bit down today as well. I'm not sure why. I mean, the "blah" I get. That seems to be my go to state of being as of late. But feeling down too . . . ugh. I'm not digging it.
I spent the morning painting. I had a custom pet portrait to do, a dog. I'm always nervous doing custom orders because I think the person will hate it. It came out cute and the gal loved it. So, yay for that! I guess I can stop beating myself up about it now. Maybe that's why I'm feeling down as well as blah. Who knows.
I'm tired of how I'm feeling. I'm tired of being tired. I'm not physically tired - this is more emotionally and mentally tired. My soul is tired. And no amount of sleep will help this. I'm not sure anything will help this. I just keep powering through, hoping I'll eventually start feeling better. It has to happen sometime, right?
Nothing else of interest is really going on. I go to work. I work. I come home. On my days off I paint or draw or stare off into space or mindlessly scroll social media because I can't focus enough to read. Last Thursday I talked on the phone with a guy named Jacob. He has bipolar disorder and sees my therapist. It's amazing how similar yet different our symptoms are. It was a good conversation, although I felt more like I was being interviewed.
It's weird, usually when I'm feeling down I have the urge to write. And today I really don't. Maybe it's because I've said it all before. Maybe it's because I don't want to be a downer. Maybe it's both of those things. I'm just so empty and anhedonic and apathetic and blah. I really don't want to exist like this. I want to go to sleep and wake up when this is over. Why can't I do that?
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