I've been getting progressively more depressed over the past month. It started off as mild symptoms, feeling down or feeling irritable. Nothing too bad. I was able to cope rather easily, manage my symptoms without too much effort. But then I started feeling more down. Feelings of hopelessness started creeping in. I felt worthless, everything felt pointless and coping became more and more difficult. I acknowledged okay - I'm in a mild depression. This is more than just feeling down. This is legit depression. And then it got even worse to where I was having suicidal thoughts, I started cutting again, and I truly felt like I couldn't continue on. I mean, how can I be expected to carry on when I feel like this? I've been struggling, I've been crying, I've been drowning. I feel trapped in my own head.
Today I had ECT and had an opportunity to talk with my pdoc. I told him about the worsening depression and asked what more I could do. He said, "we're doing it." I asked him about supplements and if they could possible cause the depression (I started 2 new supplements and I was hoping that maybe that could be the cause and I could just stop them and feel better). He said no. He's never heard of a supplement doing that. He told me this is probably just my normal cycling. It's part of having bipolar disorder. The meds I'm on and the ECT can hopefully keep the worst symptoms away but I'm still going to cycle. I'm still going to get depressed. I'm still going to have mania. But hopefully it won't last as long. A couple weeks instead of several months (or longer). Which, let's be honest, I knew this. But it fucking sucks. And it's really not fair.
Today, thankfully, I'm feeling a little better. Just a little down instead of horrible depressed and I thank God for that. Hopefully this will continue. *fingers crossed*
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