I'm not sure how to start this as I'm not too sure what all I want to write about. I've been going through a depressive episode again, but this one has lasted a little longer. I started getting symptoms around Aug. 18 and they got progressively worse. I had several days where I had very strong suicidal ideation. More days than not it's taken everything I had just to get out of bed. I've struggled to get things done around the house, I've struggled at work, I've just struggled. And yesterday and today I've felt a little bit better and I hope I'm coming out of it. The thing is . . . I don't feel good. Like, I don't feel happy and okay. I feel down and flat and withdrawn. Not as bad as depression but still bad in its own way. It still makes it difficult to get things done. It makes it difficult to interact with people and do my job. It makes it difficult to be present with my family.
I had therapy yesterday and was reminded that yes indeed, I'm doing everything right. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. I'm even doing more since I've become so involved in fitness and betering my physical health. There's really not much more I can do. *big sigh* I have ECT coming up on Monday and I see my psychiatrist Monday evening . . . we'll see what he has to say about it. My guess is deal with it, but more nicely put. That I'm cycling, but this is normal, that I'm better than I have been in the past. Which is true. But it sucks. At any rate, all I can do is push forward and not give up, right?
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