I had therapy this morning. In fact, I just got home from it. It was a good and productive session, but damn was I emotional. Anger and sadness. Sadness and anger. Lots of both. I don't necessarily know if I want to get into deep details here . . . I guess we'll just see what I write.
I'm still angry at work. I still don't want to go to work. And my anger is getting to the point where I'm going to break something or break down crying. Or both. And it's exhausting. I'm trying so hard to be a happy, positive, functioning adult yet I'm overwhelmed by this anger. I'm so tired of it. Something has to give. I don't know how to process or handle my anger. It's such an uncomfortable feeling and every time I think I'm getting the hang of it I go to work and it resurfaces. What kind of bullshit is that? My anger is directly stemming from work. From people I care for and love leaving, from all the changes going on, from being super busy and understaffed all the time, and from feeling trapped and stagnant in my position. I could apply for the charge nurse position, that would be something different. But then I'd just have a ton more stress and responsibility for a whopping $1 more an hour. Is that what I really want? I can look for a job somewhere else, but it will probably just be same shit, different location (and I'd be starting over). At least where I'm at I know the shit and the people I work with. But I do feel stagnant. Stuck. Bored sometimes with the work I do. Like I need something different and challenging. But what? I've toyed with the idea of going back to school for years, but it scares me. I've always thought I wanted to be a psychiatric nurse practitioner, that this was my calling. But school really scares me. What if I fail? What if I invest tons of time and money and fail? Or, worse, what if I succeed and hate it? Then what do I do?
I have all these thoughts and feelings and more coursing through me right now and I can't seem to figure anything out. I have tunnel vision. I'm confused as to what to do and clouded by my anger. I have homework to do - to talk with Jeremy about all of this and get his opinion on it. Which I will, tonight. Hopefully it will add some clarity. Because right now I'm lost. And it sucks.
In other news, a few nights ago my mom got really drunk and fell. Broke 6 ribs. She was in the hospital for 2 days. I'm supposed to call her today but I really don't feel like it. I don't want to hear the lie she comes up with as to why she fell. It sucks that she fell and is in a ton of pain. I feel awful for that. I feel bad for her. But at the same time I don't. She's never going to learn that it's her alcoholism causing this. That she fell because she was piss drunk. That she's fallen because of it before (4 or 5 times) and that she'll continue to fall and deteriorate because of it. She just doesn't see that and it's frustrating. It's like dealing with a toddler. I don't want to see her hurt but it's kind of like, what is it going to take for her to admit that she has a problem? I don't see how her husband can be okay with this. I don't know. The whole situation is fucked.
Anyway, that's all I feel like writing today. I feel emotionally drained, my dog is gassy and farting up a storm, and I'm tired.
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